From: Judge Richard [email protected]&Stewart.com
Date: March 16 8:06:27 AM EST
To: Trimble [email protected]&Stewart.com; Marshall [email protected]; Reed [email protected]
Cc: Tony [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Attempt to Sabotage
Dear Children,
It has come to the attention of your mother and I that the three of you—and apparently your spouses—think that your parents are too mentally and physically unfit to continue living in the home we’ve owned for 35 years.
I do not know what could have occurred recently to cause you to think this.
Yes, there was a minor mix-up at a local dining establishment where your mother and I attempted to gift a young local girl with an incredible financial opportunity.
But that was only because I was swindled by a philatelist in Andersonville against whom I will be seeking legal compensation, as this is not the first time he’s bamboozled me.
And yes, your mother and I both had accidents in and around the house this past year. And yes, perhaps a few critters have crept in.
But this winter has been exceedingly harsh, and though we pay exorbitant fees to the Bloomville Country Club community board, somehow they always seem to plow our driveway last.
And you know your mother has a tender heart when it comes to animals, and will always offer them a warm hearth and bowls of food and water.
Some of you have accused our housekeeping habits of slipping. The plain fact of the matter is, we had to let Rhonda go, because your mother was tired of Rhonda’s complaining about having to dust her cat figurines, and I did not like having my paperwork moved. You know how important my reading is to me. How can I do my reading if I can’t find it?
I understand that there is some concern about the way we’ve chosen to spend our money. How is that the business of you children? It is up to us to decide how and when we’ll spend our fortune.
I suppose some of you are concerned that, with our “profligate spending,” there won’t be any inheritance left for the grandchildren.
Well, never you worry. The grandchildren will receive their fair share of the family fortune. Maybe it will be in the form of some unique vintage heirlooms. Hopefully they will be more appreciative of our taste than their parents are!
Now I ask each of you to think about how you would feel if a “de-cluttering, moving expert” were brought into your home uninvited, and allowed to look through all your rooms.
Though Miss Flowers is a perfectly charming girl, and we in no way blame her for any of this, we never asked for her help. We can only assume, since Reed is involved, that this is in some way his fault. It appears to be his primary goal in life to bedevil poor Miss Flowers, and dash her hopes and dreams.
As for Reed, I no longer harbor any animosity towards you. It was, in fact, good to see you. Although you did not choose to live your life the way I would have chosen for you to live it, you have obviously chosen well for yourself, and become what I suppose some young people today might consider a success.
But what is going to happen, I wonder, if the ball continues to no longer fly as straight or as long as it once did? Have you given any sort of thought to that, my boy?
This letter is not to condemn the three of you, or your chosen life mates. We know you did what you did out of some sort of misdirected love and concern for us.
This is merely to remind you that it is we, not you, who are the parents, and you who are the children, and that you do not know what is best for us, any more than we, apparently, know what is best for you.
“Treat your parents with loving care for you will only know their value when you see their empty chair.”
I hope you all know who said that!
I also hope you all know that as of today, none of you (except the grandchildren, who are innocent of any wrongdoing, and of course Miss Flowers, who clearly knew nothing of your machinations) will ever again be admitted into this house. Consider yourselves “persona non grata”!
The Honorable Richard Stewart
From: Trimble [email protected]&Stewart.com
Date: March 16 8:16:20 AM EST
To: Carly [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]; Reed [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Nice going, idiots.
Trimble Stewart-Antonelli
Attorney at Law
Stewart & Stewart, LLC
1911 South Moore Pike
Bloomville, IN 47401
(812) 555-9721
www.stewart&stewart.com
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:20:39 AM EST
To: Carly [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
I’m the one who made poor choices?
At least I’m not about to be foreclosed on for failing to pay my mortgage, and thrown in jail by the IRS for not paying taxes, and Shenanigans for trying to pay for dinner with a 2 cent stamp!
And I never meant to bedevil Becky Flowers, much less dash her hopes and dreams! I was trying to do right by her!
What is the old man even talking about?
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:22:09 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
See, this is proof of exactly what I’ve been telling you: your father’s lost his mind.
I’m forwarding this letter to Jimmy Abrams. He can definitely use it as evidence to get your parents declared non compos mentis.
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:29:29 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
There’s no way you’re going to be able to use Dad’s email as evidence of him being mentally incompetent, Carly. The man is perfectly lucid, and knows exactly what he wants.
If you’re going to forward it to anyone, forward it to Becky Flowers. She’s got a right to know Reed has dashed her hopes and dreams . . . at least of getting $20,000 out of us.
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:30:36 AM EST
To: Marshall [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Wait, no! We don’t have to tell Becky about this! I’m sure she’s trained to handle this kind of thing.
And Dad said they’ll let her in!
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:32:17 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Seriously, Marshall, you can’t STILL be in denial about your parents’ mental health. After the cats?
After the raccoons?
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:35:12 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
This is America. A man has a right to allow raccoons to nest in his ceiling if he wants to.
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:37:35 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Yes, and I have the right never to allow my children to visit their grandparents in their home again, thanks to the potentially rabid animals there.
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:40:29 AM EST
To: Marshall [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Can’t we all just get along????
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:42:39 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
It’s too late, Reed, I’m sorry. I already forwarded your father’s email to her. I think it’s important a professional see it.
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:43:01 AM EST
To: Marshall [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
What is wrong with you people? Are you trying to dash all of my hopes and dreams?
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:45:29 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
You forwarded her that email to spite me, didn’t you, Carly?
And as for you, Reed, I never saw anybody more anxious to throw 20 grand away on an ex.
And what exactly happened during that dinner you had last night with the girls? For the first time in months, Bailey didn’t want to wear her Chief Massasoit costume to school this morning. She insisted on wearing a new costume that she said her uncle Reed got her at the Walmart in Dearborn:
Ant-Man.
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:46:19 AM EST
To: Marshall [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
She did? That’s fantastic!
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:48:27 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]om; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
No, it is not fantastic, Reed. We are trying to convince our child to dress as herself for school, not as the historic leader of a Native American tribe or a fictional superhero, who, by the way, is male. Bailey, in case you hadn’t noticed, is a girl.
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:49:03 AM EST
To: Marshall [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Marshall, biological sex and gender are social constructs and your child has the right to wear whatever makes her feel most comfortable.
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:50:17 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Where are you right now? Because I’ll be happy to drive over there and strangle you with my bare hands.
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:51:11 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Will you two cut it out? I for one am happy that Bailey has found a different costume that she likes. It’s given me a chance to put old Chief Massasoit in the wash.
And Marshall, I did not send Becky Flowers your dad’s email just to spite you. I sent it because it’s unhealthy for seniors to live with feral cats and raccoons, and that is not the kind of home I care to have my children visiting during the holidays.
I was sure a normal, rational person like Becky would agree with me, and I was right, since she’s already replied. Here’s what she says:
To: Carly [email protected]
Sent: March 16 8:45:11 AM EST
From: [email protected]
Subject: Marshall’s Parents
Dear Carly,
This kind of response from Judge Stewart is perfectly normal. I see it all the time.
Often after the first flush of excitement over a move, clients get cold feet. They’re nervous at the idea of relocating, especially to somewhere they’ve never been before.
In the case of your husband’s parents, it’s even more unsettling, because they’ve resided in this community for so long and don’t know where they’re going, and this has all happened very, very quickly!
It would be great if you had photos of where they might be headed, so we can use them—please excuse the cliché—as the carrot at the end of the stick to get them excited about their future.
I’m a great fan of the Judge’s, and ordinarily I would say if he wanted to age in place, he should.
But considering what I saw yesterday, I feel that it’s in the best interest of your husband’s parents to downsize to a smaller, safer home, preferably in a warmer environment than Bloomville.
Since they’re open to my presence, I’ll go over there again today with photos, a positive attitude, and some comfort food—and of course some Dumpsters so we can begin purging the more dangerous materials from the home, as there really are some health hazards that need to be addressed immediately.
Let me know, however, if you feel differently, and we can discuss at any time.
Becky Flowers, Certified Senior Move Manager
Moving Up! Consulting LLC, President
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:52:36 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
You just love being right, don’t you, Carly?
Becky Flowers should work for the UN. She’s a real diplomat.
“In your husband’s parents best interest to downsize.”
What she really meant was “in their best interest not to die under piles of old newspapers and dead cats,” am I right?
She should have just come out and said it.
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:55:44 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
So are you finally coming out and admitting, Marshall, that your parents need professional help? Because that would be a step in the right direction.
Also a miracle.
And yes, for your information, I do love being right.
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 8:59:06 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
I admit nothing.
Where exactly does she suggest we get these photos of where they’re going, though? We have no idea where they’re going. I mean, except to jail for fraud and tax evasion.
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:00:01 AM EST
To: Carly [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
C’mon you two, don’t fight. I’ve got this!
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:02:09 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Got what? Since when have you had anything except an amazing ability to annoy me?
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:05:12 AM EST
To: Carly [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
I’ve had someone condo hunting for Mom and Dad in Orlando. I told you I’d handle that one. I’ve got photos. I’ll go over there and tell her. I mean, show them to Richard and Connie.
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:12:29 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Dad specifically said he didn’t want you at the house.
From: Reed [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:15:03 AM EST
To: Carly [email protected], Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
I know. But I need to Big Bertha it.
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:16:11 AM EST
To: Reed [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Who is Bertha?
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:19:27 AM EST
To: Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Just ignore him.
Maybe we should start looking at condos in Florida for ourselves. Because I have the feeling you and I might need to enter the witness protection program before this is all over. Dad’s going to be on the warpath.
From: Carly [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:21:18 AM EST
To: Marshall [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Marshall, the phrase “on the warpath” is culturally insensitive to indigenous peoples.
Carly R. Stewart | Accountant | Stewart Realty | 801 South Moore Pike, Bloomville, IN 47401 | phone (812) 555-8722 | Please visit StewartRealty.com for all your realty needs
From: Marshall [email protected]
Date: March 16 9:25:52 AM EST
To: Carly [email protected]
Subject: Re: Attempt to Sabotage
Damn it!