The Boy Is Back by Meg Cabot (30)

Just checking in to see if you got those photos I sent. What do you think?

It’s perfect. Richard and Connie love it.

Who the hell are Richard and Connie?

My parents, genius.

You call your parents by their first names? What kind of disrespect is that?

The kind my dad deserves. Hey, your advice about women sucks, by the way. SHE Big Bertha’d ME.

Why, what did you do to her?

Nothing. Showed her an amazingly romantic evening and then kissed her good night in the moonlight.

What is your problem, man? That is the direct opposite of what I told you to do.

How is that the opposite of what you told me to do? You told me to Big Bertha the problem.

When I said to Big Bertha her, I meant show her the man you’ve become as opposed to the boy you were when she last saw you, boudro.

A man who cares about the things she cares about.

A man of sophistication and worldly charm.

I didn’t mean a man who goes around taking advantage of vulnerable small town businesswomen by chowing down on them the way a monkey chows down on bananas.

Thanks, Alvarez. You really know how to make a guy’s day.

How the hell am I going to get back together with her if she won’t go out with me?

What do you mean get back together with her? I thought you meant sleep with her.

Sure, yes, of course that’s what I mean.

Oh good cuz for a second there I thought you meant have an actual real relationship with a woman that lasts longer than 3 months.

Well, I mean, I feel like with Becky it could be something more. I don’t know.

You don’t know.

Is one of the things you don’t know how a relationship with her is supposed to work if she lives in Indiana and you live in LA?

I don’t know. Maybe.

Maybe that’s one of the things she doesn’t know either. Maybe that’s why she Big Bertha’d you.

Yeah, but we could work out the long-distance thing.

How? With her business and you on the circuit?

People do it.

What people? Are you talking about Cutler? Have you seen the news about Cutler lately?

Yeah, well, I’m not Cutler.

Yes, I am aware of that. If you were, I’d be making more money.

Ow. Really, Alvarez? Kick a man when he’s down, why don’t you.

I think I see now why the young lady objects to you.

Why? What are you talking about?

What do I tell you that you have to do if you want to get your swing back and be a champion once again?

Things that literally make no sense.

Such as?

Remember the love of the game.

And what else?

Be a kid again.

There you go.

Those are both horrible pieces of advice that have so far proved completely unhelpful.

Because you haven’t thought them through.

How is loving the game and being a kid again going to help me with my romantic life?

You’ll figure it out. Or you won’t. And you’ll keep losing at both love and sports.

Alvarez, are you drunk? Oh my God, you are. You’re drunk with Cutler’s caddy, aren’t you?

Erin go Bragh.

I forgot. It’s St. Patrick’s Day. You guys are at the United Kingdom Pavilion at Epcot drinking green beer. Hilarious, Alvarez. Just hilarious.

Alvarez?

You better not be using the expense account.