From: Trimble [email protected]&Stewart.com
Date: March 13 7:06:26 PM EST
To: Carly [email protected]; Marshall [email protected]; Reed [email protected]
Cc: Tony [email protected]
Subject: Our Parents
Dear Marshall, Reed, and Carly (I am including you, Carly, because I know Marshall tells you everything anyway, and of course I’m including my own spouse, Tony):
I have bailed Mom and Dad out of jail.
No need to thank or repay me. As their eldest child (and executor of their Will) it was my obligation.
I’m writing to let you know, however, that this is the last time I will have anything to do with our parents. Their recent behavior is not only embarrassing, it is jeopardizing both my standing as an officer of the court, and Tony’s standing in the community as a well-known restaurateur (for those of you who don’t know, he’s starting a sister restaurant to Antonelli’s next month in Dearborn which he plans to call Antonelli’s II).
I’m not sure if any of you are aware of the extent to which Mom and Dad have gone downhill. I found out this afternoon when I asked them to reimburse me for their bond ($1600.00), and they informed me that they have no money.
Not no money saved for retirement. They have NO MONEY AT ALL.
Not only have they taken out a second mortgage on the house, they’ve been taking out cash advances on their credit cards to pay (some of) their bills.
(I say “some of” their bills because when I dropped them off at the house, I found numerous “past due” notices in the mailbox, which they had clearly not checked in some time. They included bills from local businesses, such as Hayes Hardware, from which Daddy has evidently purchased a new pool liner.)
On the other hand, Mom has purchased over $5,000 worth of scratch-offs from Publishers Clearing House in the past three months. She paid for those by check.
When I confronted our parents about this, they laughed and told me not to worry because “It’s all going to get straightened out.”
Would you like to know how?
Apparently, our parents’ entire financial plan for retirement is to make “millions” by selling more stamps like the one with which they tried to rip off Shenanigans last night, and winning the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
OUR PARENTS ARE COLLEGE EDUCATED. HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING?
I attempted to explain to both of them that even in the unlikely event they made a fortune off Daddy’s stamp collection and Mom’s scratch-offs, they’d still have to pay taxes on both the sales and winnings, and that even then there would certainly not be enough money left over to pay for:
1. The removal of over a dozen feral cats that currently live in and around the house.
2. The mortgage(s).
3. The two Mercedes (would anyone care to explain to me why our parents are currently leasing two brand-new Mercedes when they can’t even afford one?), or
4. The US government, to which Daddy owes thousands in back taxes (which he does not feel he actually owes, because, he explained to me, his accountant died five years ago. According to Daddy, when your accountant dies, you do not have to pay taxes anymore. What a wonderful law of which I was not aware until now! Why don’t we all start murdering our accountants? Then we’ll never have to pay taxes again).
Thank God Daddy signed the office over to me outright as my graduation present from law school, or that would soon be foreclosed on as well.
When I told Daddy that he was deluded and it was clearly time for him and Mom to give me power of attorney over their finances so I could straighten out this mess (as executor, I can only arrange for payment of their debts after they are deceased), he told me to “Go suck an egg.”
And when I suggested very nicely that he and Mommy might want to visit some doctor other than Dr. Jones to get an opinion on the state of their mental health, since it’s very clear—to me, anyway—that the two of them are cuckoo, he told me on no uncertain terms to get out of the house.
Even my advice that they move to a nice senior living community in California like Uncle Lyle did, and sell the house (or at least put in the appearance of trying to sell it before the bank seizes it, not that anyone would ever want to buy that foul-smelling crumbling heap), was met with extreme harshness. Daddy informed me that the only way he’ll ever leave Bloomville is “in a pine box.”
So I’m writing this to say good luck. I have done my part today, and I won’t be doing any more. My husband and I have our own businesses to run, as well as two teenagers to raise. I do not have the time or inclination to play games with those yo-yos who call themselves our parents.
In the unlikely event you ARE able to talk sense into those two, I hope you remember that Mom said I could have all the silver and Waterford crystal, and of course the Venetian glass chandelier from the dining room. You don’t have a formal dining room, Carly, so the chandelier wouldn’t fit, and your children are too young to appreciate stemware.
And none of those items would suit your lifestyle, Reed.
As executor of their Will—and what I’ve been through today—frankly, it’s the least I deserve.
Sincerely,
Trimble Stewart-Antonelli
Attorney at Law
Stewart & Stewart, LLC
1911 South Moore Pike
Bloomville, IN 47401
(812) 555-9721
www.stewart&stewart.com