The Boy Is Back by Meg Cabot (23)

Alvarez, I need your help, bud. I need it more than I’ve ever needed it before in my life.

What is it now? I already spent three hours today looking at condos for you. If I have to hear about “space for entertaining” one more time, I’m going to kill myself.

I saw her today.

Who? Valerie? She stalked you to your hometown? Man, I told you that one was trouble. But do you ever listen to me? No. Like at the 16th hole at Augusta.

Not Valery. My ex. She was at my parents’ house. My sister-in-law hired her to help my parents’ move. She owns a moving company.

Your ex owns a moving company? Now that is a good business to invest in.

Because everyone has to move at least a few times in their life, and you can’t always count on friends to help you. So hiring a moving company always makes it a lot easier, if you can find one to do it at a fair price. How are her prices?

As usual, Alvarez, YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT.

It is HER. It is BECKY.

Oh, BECKY. I didn’t know Becky is the one with the moving company. Wait, that is who your sister-in-law hired to move your parents to this condo I’m picking out for you in Orlando?

HA! Boudro! You are screwed.

Thank you, Alvarez. Thank you so much. I realized that when I asked her out and she shot me down because I’m now technically a client, and she makes it a policy never to interact socially with clients.

HA HA HA! I wish I had been there to see that.

Thank you for the sympathy. So what do I do about it? You’re always telling me which club I should use. You must know something about relationships.

Well, I know you always screw up yours. Almost as much as you’ve screwed up your swing lately.

I am aware of that. That’s why I’m asking for your advice. How should I proceed? Because I already screwed up this relationship once, and this time—if she’ll give me a second chance—I’d like not to.

She already told you “no,” man. What part of “no” do you not understand?

I get that. But surely there must be some way around the client thing.

First I’m your caddy, then I’m your realtor, now I’m supposed to give you love advice?

I’m the one who said “Call her” when you first told me about her five years ago. You didn’t listen to me then, just like you didn’t listen at Doral when I told you to go for the wedge on the 17th hole.

Why is this woman so important to you, anyway? There are plenty of other ladies you could have who aren’t working for you.

Maybe because I’ve seen things today—horrible, horrible things—that have helped me realize what’s truly important in life, Alvarez.

I don’t want to die surrounded by THINGS and not people who love me. Least of all the woman I’ve always loved.

Boudro, that is profound, man! What happened? Did you finally watch the tape of Augusta, like I asked you?

No. I went to my parents’ house.

Oh. Well, then, the only advice I have for you when it comes to this young lady is: Big Bertha.

I don’t even know what that means.

Of course you know what that means. Don’t embarrass me, man.

I understand Big Bertha is the heaviest club in the bag, Alvarez, and it’s the one you wanted me to use at Augusta and I didn’t, and you think that’s why I lost.

I don’t understand what it means in the context of my ex.

Did you know they named that club after the German Big Bertha howitzer? That’s an artillery cannon they used in World War I to smash down forts.

Becky isn’t a fort, Alvarez. She’s a woman.

She’s got her walls up against you, doesn’t she?

Still, I’m not going to hit her with a stainless steel driver.

It’s a metaphor, you idiot.

When you’ve got a big problem, you have to hit it with the biggest weapon in your arsenal.

You wouldn’t know this, of course, because you’ve never had to try very hard before, either on the course or with women.

But now, with age, you might actually have to take out the heavy artillery, which on the greens are the big sticks, and with women is your charm—if you have any, which I’m starting to doubt.

Thanks, boudro. You always know the right thing to say.

Yes, because I’m a caddy. Now Cutler’s caddy and I are off to Epcot Brazil to enjoy dinner on both of your expense accounts.

Check out the photos I emailed, there’s a place on there I think will work for your parents. It’s near the Golden Palm golf resort, in case you ever decide to come back to work.

Funny. No, really, very amusing.

But thanks for the advice.

I hope it works, for both our sakes. I could use the extra cash if you start winning again.