The Boy Is Back by Meg Cabot (9)

So what are we doing to handle the situation?

I got us a meeting with Jimmy Abrams this afternoon.

Jimmy Abrams isn’t a real lawyer! We went to high school with him.

He is, in fact, a real lawyer, working for one of the best firms in the state specializing in bankruptcy.

My parents don’t need a bankruptcy lawyer. If Shenanigans doesn’t drop the charges, they’re going to need a criminal lawyer.

Sweetheart, your parents need all the legal help they can get, but a bankruptcy lawyer is as good a place as any to start since they owe so much in back taxes. And Jimmy Abrams owes me a favor.

What kind of favor?

Let’s just say I did him a solid back in 9th grade. So when you’re at your parents’ this morning, tell them they have a meeting with Jimmy this afternoon at 2:15PM.

Why am I going to my parents’ this morning?

Oh, didn’t I tell you? Your mother called earlier, and she needs someone to bring in the trash cans.

Are you kidding me?

No, I am not kidding you. Your dad’s complaining that he strained his back while getting arrested the other night.

I swear to God if he tries to file a claim of police brutality, I will go over there and give him something real to complain about.

Nice. But someone does need to go over there and wheel in the trash cans or your parents will get another fine from the country club. Your mom can’t do it. She says her sciatica is acting up.

Why can’t Too Bad Tony do it? They live down the street!

Your sister and executor of your parents’ will isn’t speaking to your parents anymore, remember?

Oh, for Crisis sakes. I mean Cross sakes. Whatever. I’ll do it. Should I take my dad to see Dr. Jones?

You can try. But you know your dad doesn’t trust hospitals or doctors, not even Dr. Jones. He only willingly goes to see Dr. Jones when there is bone actually piercing his skin, like this past winter when he fell on the ice outside the garage.

Why do you have to remind me of these things?

Sorry. Anyway, I did some research. Did you know there are people you can hire who do this kind of thing professionally?

What, bring in my parents’ trash cans?

Well, that, too, but I meant help “seniors” transition into new living situations. They’ve been trained in exactly this kind of thing—convincing older people like your parents who need to downsize, relocate, or even stay where they are, but in a safer home environment, that it’s time to do so.

How do they do that, Carly? Magic? Hypnosis? Do they shoot them with tranquilizer darts? Because that’s what it’s going to take in my parents’ case.

I told you, Marshall. They’ve got specialized training. They’re part social workers, part psychologists, and part organizing consultants who also know how to arrange short and long distance moves, declutter and clean houses, coordinate estate sales, and put families in touch with representatives from social services who can assess the wellness of their elderly loved one.

Did you just cut and paste that from a website?

Yes.

Sometimes having someone from outside the family point out how much better their life could be is all it takes to convince an elderly person to pursue that life.

You’re kind of sexy when you’re resourceful.

Thanks.

So can we hire someone from outside the family to get your parents to open up about their needs since they won’t listen to us, and you’re in denial about the whole thing?

For the last time, I am not in denial.

Okay, you’re not in denial. Can we?

I don’t care what you do, so long as Reed pays for it.

Great. That’s what I was hoping you’d say. There’s just one little problem.

What? The fact that my parents are going to jail so this whole thing isn’t going to matter anyway?

No. The only senior moving consultant within a 100 mile radius is Becky Flowers.

NO.

Marshall. We have to.

No, Carly, we don’t HAVE to. You’re only doing this to play matchmaker. I know you.

No! Of course not. She seriously is the only one.

Carly, leave it alone.

Honestly, Marshall, I don’t know what you’re talking about. She comes very highly recommended. She’s got about a million five star reviews on Yelp.

I’m telling you not to contact her. We can do this on our own.

Marshall, no, we can’t, or your parents wouldn’t be the laughingstock of the Internet right now.

And your brother said that thing about how he’s getting tired of putting his head down on a different pillow every night. I think he’s finally ready to settle down.

But why HER? My brother practically ruined her life.

Yes, but before that I’d never seen him happier. He really loved her.

He was 18 years old. He didn’t know what love was.

You were in love with me at 18.

Leave her alone. Don’t you think my family has made enough people miserable lately?

Don’t YOU think this is fate, Marshall? Your parents needing help and Becky Flowers turning out to be the only person in the area who can offer that kind of help?

No, I don’t. Do NOT contact her. It’s embarrassing enough that the entire world thinks that my parents tried to pull a fast one at our local Shenanigans. You don’t need to let the one girl my brother ever loved know the rest of our embarrassing family secrets.

So you admit it! He DID love her!

Maybe he did, Carly. But if he was still in love with her, don’t you think he’d have contacted her on his own sometime in the past decade?

No, because he’s a big stupid baby, just like his big brother. If I hadn’t actively pursued you all through high school, then TOLD you during college that you were in love with me and that we were going to get married, would we have? No, because you are an insecure idiot who can’t make up his mind or take a stand about anything.

I can’t tell you how little this is helping your case.

Jackie Monroe says it’s the duty of every person in a committed, happy romantic relationship to try to help at least one other person find romantic happiness too. And I haven’t managed to help any!

Well, my baby brother is not going to be the first. Swear on Blinky’s life that you’ll stay out of this.

I’m not swearing on the life of the dog, Marshall.

DO IT.

Fine. I swear on Blinky’s life.

Good. I’m going to my parents’ now to move their gosh darn trash cans.

I did not write that. I did not write gosh darn!

Well, good luck with that.

Thanks. I’m going to need more than luck, though.

That’s why we should hire Becky!

STOP.