The Boy Is Back by Meg Cabot (37)

Marshall, how many acres come with the old Bloomville Elementary School?

Where the hell are you? I thought you said you guys were coming over. The girls want to put on some kind of performance for you after we have breakfast, and then I have to take them to soccer.

Not all of us have Saturday off, you know. Some of us have responsibilities.

We’re coming. We stopped at Kroger. We’re picking up champagne.

What the hello do we need champagne for?

To make mimosas. You can’t have pancakes without mimosas. What are you, a heathen?

Sometimes I forget that you are the most annoying person in the history of time.

How many acres come with that school you’re selling?

Twelve, including parking and the building. Why? And what the hello happened over at Trimble’s last night? You know Dad is really pissed. He’s called me like four times.

He says Too Bad Tony is moving out and taking Ty with him, to Tampa of all places. That can’t be true, though? Like Too Bad Tony would ever hop off the Trimble Money Train.

No, it’s true about Tony. He’s actually a good guy.

Isn’t the back of the old Bloomville Elementary on the sixteenth hole of the country club’s golf course?

Yes, Reed. A lot of things have changed since you were last here, but they haven’t moved the golf course.

So if I buy the school and turn it into a junior golf academy, do you think the club will allow me use of their greens? I mean for my pupils?

I’m sorry. It’s a little early for jokes, even for you.

No joke. I want to buy the old elementary school.

I’m going to expect the city to knock down the price a little because of the asbestos. Removing it from a building that size ain’t gonna be cheap.

Plus, I’ll be bringing in a lot of business. I plan to make my classes free, because more people should play golf. It’s accessible to everyone, since it’s a sport that anyone of any size, shape, age, and sex can play.

Reed, have you and Becky already been hitting the champagne?

No. I’m totally serious about this. This is all stuff you can use in your pitch when we give them our bid.

My school will keep the youth of Bloomville off the streets and provide them with a safe, healthy environment in which they can learn a game that teaches discipline, respect, honesty, and teamwork, while also helping to hone conversational skills and physical fitness with minimal risk of bodily injury compared to other sports.

Are you on drugs?

I’m high on love, man.

You’re high on something.

Does this mean you’re moving back to Bloomville?

Well, not for the whole year. That would be ridiculous. There’s snow on the ground here for a good three months. How would I practice?

But for the rest of the year, yeah. My girlfriend has a business and family here. She’s not going to abandon them.

And I have family here, too. I may as well start a business, too.

Okay. Yeah. I get it. When you get here we can find out about whether or not the club would give you greens rights.

I can’t imagine they wouldn’t because you’re Reed Stewart. I’m sure they’d be honored.

And then we can draw up an offer on the school.

But where are you going to live? In Becky’s apartment in her mom’s basement? (Just kidding.)

No, but seriously though. Where?

I think Becky likes Mom and Dad’s house.

You want to buy Mom and Dad’s house.

For your girlfriend.

For both of us. What’s wrong with that?

Nothing! I’ll draw up the paperwork for that, too.

Make sure it includes the chandelier. Becky really likes the chandelier.

And I especially don’t want Trimble to get it.

I hear you, brother. Anything else?

No, I think that’s it.

Oh, okay, Becky’s back. We’ll be right over.

Great. See you in a bit.

CARLY YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE WHAT REED JUST TOLD ME.

Marshall, I have asked you repeatedly not to text me from the bathroom. It’s disgusting and unhygienic.

HE IS BUYING THE SCHOOL.

First you tell me your sister and Too Bad Tony are splitting up, then you tell me your brother is buying the old elementary school. Do you really think I’m going to believe all of these lies? I’m happy I’m here to entertain you with my naiveté.

I’M NOT KIDDING. HE’S BUYING MOM AND DAD’S HOUSE, TOO.

You aren’t as amusing as you think you are, Marshall. Come out of there and help me find the champagne flutes. If they’re really bringing stuff for mimosas, we need to serve it in the right glasses.

I don’t want Becky Flowers thinking we don’t know how to behave like civilized human beings, even though of course we don’t because I think this performance the girls are putting on for them involves a war dance by none other than our favorite historical figure, Chief Massasoit.

Reed’s moving here. For part of the year, anyway. They’re going to live at Mom and Dad’s, and Becky’s going to run her moving company, and he’s going to run a free golf school.

I bet they’re married by New Year’s. He isn’t going to want to mess around this time. He’s going to want to lock her down.

GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND HELP ME.

He did it. He came back like he said he would, and did it. My little brother.

And be sure to wash your hands!!!!!!

WITH SOAP.