The Boy Is Back by Meg Cabot (6)

Marshall Stewart  

Wait, what are we doing here again?  

Carly Stewart  

Instant messaging with Reed about your parents.  

Marshall Stewart  

Why not Facetiming?  

Carly Stewart  

I told you. Reed ran over his phone with a golf cart and broke the camera.  

Marshall Stewart  

Again?  

Carly Stewart  

Just be glad I finally reached him.  

Marshall Stewart  

Why can’t my family be normal for once?  

Carly Stewart  

Oh, sweetie, if you think you or your family will ever be normal you are sadly mistaken.  

Marshall Stewart  

What do you  

Reed Stewart Joined Chat 10:04 PM  

Reed Stewart  

Hey, hey, hey! How’s my favorite pair of breeders?  

Marshall Stewart  

Shut up. Our parents are felons.  

Reed Stewart  

And a good day to you, too, big bro!  

Carly Stewart  

Good evening. It’s night here now, Reed.  

Marshall Stewart  

What precisely is good about anything that has happened in the past 24 hours?  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall isn’t taking the news about your parents too well, Reed.  

Reed Stewart  

So I see. But they’re home now, right?  

Marshall Stewart  

Oh, they’re home. Didn’t you get Trimble’s email?  

Reed Stewart  

Yeah, I got it, but I didn’t read it. Trimble never sends me anything but hate mail ever since she found out I have access to a private plane and decided it would be an appropriate Christmas present from me to fly her, Tony, and their kids to Aspen. I thought a $25 iTunes gift card was a good enough Christmas present for each of the kids instead. Trimble called me a bad uncle. We agreed to disagree.  

Carly Stewart  

YOU HAVE A PRIVATE PLANE????  

Reed Stewart  

No. Trimble THINKS I do because she saw on some TV show that pro golfers fly private to their tournaments. And it’s true sometimes we’ll all chip in and rent a plane because we’re not going to risk losing our clubs by flying commercial and having to check them. But that doesn’t mean I’m dumb enough to buy my own plane. My finance guy would kill me. He says the two worst things a man can waste his money on are yachts and private planes. Both of them are just holes you end up throwing cash into because they’re always broken.  

Marshall Stewart  

Wow, Reed, it is so fascinating to sit here and read about the financial woes of a multimillionaire professional athlete. Please, tell us more.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, come on. You know he didn’t mean it like that. And I’m the one who asked about the plane.  

Reed Stewart  

For your information, Marshall, the reason I have a financial advisor is so I can make sure I have enough money set aside to start a line of junior golf schools someday.  

Marshall Stewart  

Junior golf school? Where’d you come up with that one?  

Reed Stewart  

Come on, Marshall. You know what it was like in that house, especially between me and the Judge. Golf is the only thing that kept me sane—well, one of the things. In the end, it saved me—literally. I think more kids should be able to experience the game, and the only way that’s going to happen is if it’s made more accessible and less expensive. I want to start an after-school program that does just that. Plus I’m getting tired of always being on the road, living out of suitcases, laying my head down on a different pillow every night.  

Carly Stewart  

Oh, Reed. That’s so sweet.  

Marshall Stewart  

Sweet? Are you kidding me? Are you actually falling for that cheesy line, Car?  

Carly Stewart  

What are you talking about?  

Marshall Stewart  

Reed, how often does that “tired of always being on the road, living out of suitcases” line work to get you laid?  

Reed Stewart  

Surprisingly often.  

Marshall Stewart  

I rest my case. My brother is a monster.  

Reed Stewart  

But a lovable one.  

Carly Stewart  

Would you two stop it? We’re not here to talk about Reed’s sex life. We’re here to talk about your parents. Did you seriously not read Trimble’s email, Reed?  

Reed Stewart  

I skimmed it.  

Marshall Stewart  

Skimmed it???? Our parents are apparently broke and possibly suffering from dementia, and you skimmed it.  

Reed Stewart  

Yeah, that’s the part I’m not understanding. How the hell can they be broke? Trimble bragged in her Christmas e-newsletter about how proud she was to be pulling in over six figures a year in her private practice with The Judge.  

Carly Stewart  

Ew! I forgot she did that. And showed photos of her and Tony and their precious darlings on that ski trip to Aspen. Which she did manage to get to, despite Reed cruelly refusing to fly them there in his nonexistent private plane.  

Marshall Stewart  

Well, unfortunately, none of us thought to check what Mom and Dad were doing with their share of that money.  

Reed Stewart  

Evidently leasing new Mercedes and paying way too much for commemorative stamps of George Washington.  

Carly Stewart  

Don’t forget playing Publishers Clearing House scratch-offs. That was my favorite part.  

Reed Stewart  

It sounds like some of this has been going on for a while. How is it that we’re only finding out about it now?  

Carly Stewart  

We’re not. Some of us have known about it for quite a while. But others of us have been in complete denial and refused to admit anything is wrong because he wants to avoid conflict at all cost, especially with your dad.  

Marshall Stewart  

That isn’t fair. How were we supposed to know any of this was going on? Mom and Dad won’t even let us into the house anymore since Carly dared to mention it wasn’t smelling as fresh as it used to since they fired Rhonda.  

Reed Stewart  

THEY FIRED RHONDA?  

Carly Stewart  

I told you we should have waited to tell him in person, Marshall.  

Marshall Stewart  

How would we do that when he never COMES HERE? We only see him once a year—if that—when we go to LA to see him, or he plays at a course nearby.  

Reed Stewart  

How could they fire Rhonda? Rhonda’s been working for them since we were kids! Where am I going to get baked chicken exactly the way I like it if they fired Rhonda?  

Marshall Stewart  

Yes, Reed, as always, this is all about you. And your stomach.  

Carly Stewart  

I know what you mean, Reed. And as far as we can tell, your parents fired Rhonda after 25 years of exemplary service because of your dad buying 800 antique judge’s gavels from another collector of vintage courtroom memorabilia he met in Terre Haute.  

Reed Stewart  

Excuse me?  

Marshall Stewart  

Oh yes, you didn’t know? Dad says he got a really great deal on them because the seller “had no idea what he was doing.”  

Reed Stewart  

What is Dad going to do with 800 antique judges gavels?  

Marshall Stewart  

Dad says he plans to sell them for three times as much as he paid for them. He says between those and his stamp collection, which as you know he’s been working on for years, he’s going to be a MILLIONAIRE.  

Reed Stewart  

And it never occurred to you that this was slightly odd?  

Carly Stewart  

THANK YOU!!! You see, Reed? You see what I have to live with on a daily basis?  

Marshall Stewart  

Dad’s always been a little bit eccentric! Remember when he and Mom used to let us ride our bikes to Dairy Queen when I was 11 and you were 7?  

Reed Stewart  

Yes. How was that eccentric?  

Marshall Stewart  

Reed, the nearest Dairy Queen was twelve miles away.  

Reed Stewart  

So you’re saying they’ve always been this way, and firing Rhonda over a bunch of gavels makes perfect sense to you?  

Carly Stewart  

Your parents explained to me that they had to fire Rhonda because they didn’t need a cook anymore once they got rid of the stove, which they did to make room for the washer and dryer, which they brought up from the basement to make space for all the gavels.  

Reed Stewart  

Was any of that supposed to make sense?  

Marshall Stewart  

It does when you think about it.  

Reed Stewart  

No. No, Marshall, it does not. Where is the stove now?  

Carly Stewart  

It WAS sitting out in the front yard with the turkey carcasses until Rhonda had her sons come and load it onto a truck and take it to their church. Rhonda said if the Judge wanted to act crazy, that was his business, but she knew of some non-crazy people who could still appreciate good home cooking.  

Reed Stewart  

Wait. What turkey carcasses?  

Marshall Stewart  

Carly, you know what the therapist said. ‘Crazy’ is a dehumanizing term. Mom and Dad, like Bailey, just do things a little bit differently than everyone else, and some people, such as our darling sister and maybe the Bloomville police, judge them a little too harshly for it.  

Reed Stewart  

What therapist? You guys are seeing a therapist???  

Carly Stewart  

Yes, because your older brother is living in complete denial, Reed. Your parents need help but refuse to get it because they don’t see that there’s a problem. And certain members of your family only see it’s a problem when it’s made public, like now. But even then they only want to sweep it under the rug to make it go away, not actually take steps to solve it.  

Marshall Stewart  

Exactly! Because now the whole world knows, thanks to what Mom and Dad did last night at Shenanigans, and the NY Journal publicizing it. That’s why Trimble is so upset.  

Carly Stewart  

I wasn’t actually talking about Trimble, Marshall, but that’s besides the point. Although I’m still wondering who sent the article from the Bloomville Herald to the NY Journal.  

Marshall Stewart  

This isn’t about your personal vendetta against Summer any more than it’s about Reed’s stomach.  

Reed Stewart  

Hey, can we all just take a breath here? And I can’t believe Summer Walters is still around.  

Carly Stewart  

Of course she is. Every town needs its bitchy busybody, and ours is still Summer. Only it’s Summer Hayes now. She married Bob Hayes. He inherited Hayes Hardware from his dad. That’s where your dad bought the pool liner—well, not exactly, since he still hasn’t paid for it.  

Marshall Stewart  

Can we FOCUS? I’ve made a list of the things we three need to get to work on since Trimble says she isn’t going to help, and would be useless anyway.

1)    Meet with a lawyer—not Trimble, obviously—to see what we can do about Mom and Dad’s tax situation.

2)    Start calling their credit card companies and see if we can negotiate some kind of payment plan.

3)    Do the same with whatever local business people they owe money to—such as Hayes Hardware.

4)    Start looking into retirement communities where Mom and Dad can go live where they’ll be well taken care of. Because they sure aren’t going to want to live with any of us after this, and none of us want them either—unless there’s something you haven’t told us, Reed.

5)    Start sorting through their crap—if they’ll even let us in the house—and see if there’s anything that really is valuable that we can sell to pay off some of their debt.

6)    List the house and sell it. Fire sale it if we need to. Just get them the hell out of there before reporters from around the world start descending on Bloomville to interview the couple who tried to defraud Shenanigans. Also because Dad slipped on the ice twice this past winter just trying to get to the garage, and Mom’s thrown her back out three times falling in the bathtub.  

Carly Stewart  

How about Trimble’s suggestion, getting them to see some doctor other than Dr. Jones? He’s older than they are, and they’re best friends. I highly doubt he’s ever going to give your parents a diagnosis of dementia.  

Marshall Stewart  

Because my parents don’t have dementia! Not unless they’ve had it they’re whole lives. They’re just weird. They’ve always been weird.  

Carly Stewart  

You see, Reed? You see what I have to put up with?  

Marshall Stewart  

What? Why do people automatically assume every person over the age of 60 who acts out of the ordinary has to have dementia? You know what that’s called? Ageism.  

Carly Stewart  

I let your mother drive to Antonelli’s the last time we had Ladies Lunch with her and the girls and she went through three red lights. When I pointed it out, she said red lights are for other people, not her, because she’s such a good driver.  

Reed Stewart  

To be fair, she’s always been that way. But, anyway, they aren’t moving in with me. I’ll take number four.  

Marshall Stewart  

Finding them a retirement home? That’s the easiest one!  

Reed Stewart  

No, it’s the hardest. Trimble says the Judge won’t go.  

Marshall Stewart  

Actually finding a place for them to move is easy. Getting them to go is the hard part. And all you’re going to do is call Uncle Lyle to see if there’s a spot for them at his place in Palm Springs.  

Reed Stewart  

For your information, Marshall, they wouldn’t take Mom and the Judge at Uncle Lyle’s place in Palm Springs, because it happens to be a retirement resort for members of the LGBT community only. Do you really think Richard and Connie Stewart would fit in there?  

Marshall Stewart  

Oh. Well, okay maybe not. But you’re still trying to do whatever you can to keep from having to come here. Don’t pretend like you’re not. And I know why, too. To keep from seeing HER.  

Reed Stewart  

I have no idea what you’re talking about.  

Marshall Stewart  

Well, I’m not talking about Rhonda, that’s for sure.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, I think you’re being a little unfair. Reed has a pretty good reason for not having visited Bloomville in so long.  

Marshall Stewart  

Oh, please! It was a decade ago! He needs to get over it. And we’ve all got something a lot more embarrassing to worry about now, don’t we?  

Carly Stewart  

Yes, but your father is the one who told him to get out and never come back.  

Marshall Stewart  

Again, a decade ago. And Dad clearly wasn’t serious.  

Reed Stewart  

Marshall, after I moved in with Uncle Lyle—the only family member who’d take me in after the Judge kicked me out—Dad sent me a letter by registered mail telling me to consider myself persona non grata in Bloomville. He said if I ever dared set foot in the state of Indiana, he’d have me arrested for trespassing, theft, assault, operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated, and underage drinking. And since he was the attorney general for the state of Indiana at the time, it seemed pretty serious to me.  

Marshall Stewart  

Fine. Maybe he overreacted. But as we all found out, you were going to move in with Lyle anyway. And Dad clearly regrets the things he said. The old man talks about you all the time, and watches every tournament you qualify for. I think he’s really sorry about what happened. Only you’ve never had the balls to come back and let him apologize . . . All because of a GIRL.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, I think you’re being a little harsh.  

Reed Stewart  

If you’re talking about Becky, I was trying to do the right thing.  

Carly Stewart  

I think we should change the subject. Let’s talk about how much we all hate Trimble. Or Summer Hayes.  

Marshall Stewart  

The right thing would have been for you to have come back here a long time ago, Reed, and face your demons. Then I wouldn’t be the only sane person in this family here dealing with them now.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, STOP IT! Reed, I understand. Your dad used to be pretty scary. But he’s gotten much more mellow with age. I think he’s actually forgotten everything that happened between the two of you that night.  

Marshall Stewart  

It’s not DAD that Reed is worried about facing again, Carly. Is it, Reed?  

Carly Stewart  

I said STOP IT, Marshall.  

Reed Stewart  

If Dad’s so fine with me, why didn’t he apologize to me at your wedding?  

Carly Stewart  

Well, possibly because you and Marshall were acting like such jackasses, remember? You made your sister’s husband two hours late to the reception.  

Marshall Stewart  

Oh my God. I forgot about that.  

Reed Stewart  

How could Tony not have been able to figure out how to unlock the limo doors from the inside?  

Marshall Stewart  

Oh, Tony.  

Reed Stewart  

Too bad, Tony. Too Bad Tony.  

Carly Stewart  

You are both idiots. Look, Becky is fine, Reed. You don’t need to worry about her. She owns her own business now. She took over her dad’s moving company.  

Reed Stewart  

Oh, right. I saw that on Facebook.  

Marshall Stewart  

You stalk your ex on Facebook??? Creeper.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, leave him alone.  

Reed Stewart  

I’m not going to apologize for having a certain curiosity about what happened to the people we grew up with.  

Marshall Stewart  

Yeah. ONE person.  

Reed Stewart  

I find it interesting how the careers they have as adults match the personalities they had as kids. Like Bob Hayes being in hardware and Becky being in the moving business.  

Marshall Stewart  

Both their fathers died of cancer and left them the family business.  

Reed Stewart  

Yeah, but Becky always did like organizing things and bossing people around.  

Carly Stewart  

And Bob was always a tool.  

Marshall Stewart  

Too bad you didn’t listen to Becky, Reed. You might actually have gotten a college education.  

Reed Stewart  

Instead of a six figure endorsement contract with Callaway Golf Clubs? Yes, I weep nightly into my pillow about that, Marshall.  

Carly Stewart  

Yes, I don’t think your brother is doing too badly for himself, Marshall. So if you’ve been on Becky’s Facebook page, Reed, you’ve probably seen that she has a great new boyfriend now. He owns that really nice wine and cheese shop on the courthouse square. He seems really great.  

Reed Stewart  

No. I must have missed that.  

Marshall Stewart  

HA HA HA! Creep fail.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, would you please grow up?  

Reed Stewart  

I’ve been seeing a really great woman too. She also owns her own business.  

Marshall Stewart  

Of course she does.  

Carly Stewart  

That’s great, Reed.  

Reed Stewart  

She’s a wine rep. I’m giving her golf lessons.  

Marshall Stewart  

Of course you are.  

Carly Stewart  

Stop it, Marshall. It’s nice that you and your new girlfriend have similar interests, Reed.  

Reed Stewart  

Her name is Valery.  

Carly Stewart  

With a y. How unusual.  

Marshall Stewart  

OK great! So since the two of you are so close why don’t you bring Valeryyyy here tomorrow with you to help us to clean up this mess of Mom and Dad’s.  

Reed Stewart  

Tomorrow? Actually I can’t tomorrow because I have the Golden Palm Invitational next week in Orlando. Valery and I were going to fly down there a little early so I could look at investment properties and maybe get in a few practice rounds before the Golden Palm. My finance guy says if I live in Florida for six months of the year I could save a ton in taxes.  

Marshall Stewart  

Oh, yeah, buddy? Well guess what? I got a different invitation for you. It’s an invitation to the game Carly and I have to play every single day while you’re off looking at investment properties in the Florida sunshine with your new lady friend.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall.  

Marshall Stewart  

Only in this game, you don’t get any practice swings. Life just throws balls at you all the time, in the form of things like your parents getting arrested, or your seven-year-old kid deciding that she wants to dress like an Indian chief every day and do war dances at the halftime of her older sister’s soccer games, which the other parents tell you is culturally insensitive. And you don’t get days off, or even a choice. It’s the same thing, day in and day out, until you want to stab yourself with the knives your mother gave to your wife for her birthday, because your mother thinks knives are an appropriate gift, and now she needs to have her maxed out credit cards taken away from her. Only in order to do THAT, you need the help of your brother, the brother who NEVER COMES HOME because of something that happened between him and some girl way back in HIGH SCHOOL.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall!  

Reed Stewart  

All right. All right, I’m sorry. I understand. I’ll book the first decent flight I can get for Indiana.  

Carly Stewart  

Great! See? That’s the Reed I know.  

Reed Stewart  

It’s going to be OK, Marshall.  

Marshall Stewart  

Is it? Is it really??? BECAUSE I DON’T THINK IT IS. I THINK MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO BE LIVING WITH ME AND I AM GOING TO BE SURROUNDED BY CAT FIGURINES AND THEN I WILL GO INSANE.  

Reed Stewart  

No. No, Marshall. I will not let that happen. What cat figurines?  

Carly Stewart  

I’m sorry, Reed. I saw them the last time your parents let me in the house.  

Reed Stewart  

I don’t want to know about this, do I?  

Carly Stewart  

No. Marshall didn’t want to know, either. But I told him anyway. Your mom has over 2,000 ceramic cat figurines, many dressed in adorable period costumes or nursing litters of equally cute ceramic kittens. She even has an Amazon buyer’s account under the name Not-So-Crazy Cat Lady.  

Reed Stewart  

I knew I didn’t want to know.  

Carly Stewart  

I’m so sorry.  

Reed Stewart  

Any chance we can hire back Rhonda?  

Marshall Stewart  

Seriously, dude? Is your stomach all you ever think about?  

Reed Stewart  

I mean because Richard and Connie know and TRUST her and might let her help with the sorting. Not because her baked chicken is the best thing in the world. Even though it is.  

Carly Stewart  

Reed, you don’t understand. This is too big a job for Rhonda. Not just the cleaning, but getting your parents to part with their collections, and eventually getting them out of there. They have to agree to downsize. That’s one thing I know Dr. Jones would agree with—because I drove your dad to his office when he slipped on the ice, and then when your mom got bronchitis. We’re going to need to get them into a new, smaller place, preferably in a warmer climate. I mean, this is all assuming they don’t go to jail for the Shenanigans thing.  

Reed Stewart  

I see. Well, let me talk to my finance guy. I’ve got a bunch of cash squirrelled away. I was saving it for the golf school, but this is obviously more important. I can get you whatever you need.  

Carly Stewart  

Aw, Reed, thanks. That’s really nice of you. Isn’t it nice of Reed, Marshall?  

Marshall Stewart  

I guess.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, what’s wrong with you?  

Marshall Stewart  

Money is not what we need at this point.  

Carly Stewart  

Money is EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED AT THIS POINT, Marshall.  

Marshall Stewart  

It’s no use screaming at me in all caps Carly, or from upstairs, either. You’ll only wake the girls.  

Reed Stewart  

So you’re saying you DON’T want my money, Marshall? Because that’s fine by me.  

Marshall Stewart  

THAT ISN’T WHAT I’M SAYING AT ALL. What we need is your body physically here to help for a change. Carly and I can’t do it anymore. I literally cannot go over to 65 Country Club Road one more time for dinner and listen to Dad give me the provenance of every single one of his gavels while completely ignoring the fact that he owes tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes and credit card debt.  

Carly Stewart  

Yes, but we ALSO need your money, Reed. RIGHT, MARSHALL? The real estate business here hasn’t been doing all that well, so we really don’t have the money to lend your parents to get them out of the hole. I don’t know where your sister is getting all the money she’s using to open up a new restaurant in Dearborn. I didn’t think Antonelli’s was doing that great. But Tony’s parents are apparently loaded.  

Marshall Stewart  

Fine. OK, Reed. We need your money. But we want your body, too. Just not in the same way as those women who fall for your cheesy line about being tired of resting your head on a different pillow every night.  

Carly Stewart  

I think he gets that, Marshall.  

Reed Stewart  

Yes, Marshall, I get it. I said I’m coming. I’ll get Richard and Connie back on their feet.  

Marshall Stewart  

STOP CALLING THEM THAT. You do realize we have to take this seriously, don’t you? Because I’m afraid if we don’t, the next thing that shows up in the paper about Mom and Dad is going to be their obituary. You get that, don’t you?  

Reed Stewart  

OK, Marshall. Yes, I get it. I’m sorry I haven’t been around in so long. I swear I’m going to do everything I can to help make it up to you. And to Connie and Richard, too.  

Marshall Stewart  

REED!!!!  

Reed Stewart  

Kidding! I’ll text you with my flight info as soon as I have it.  

Marshall Stewart  

OK. Thanks.  

Reed Stewart  

Don’t worry. I’ve got your back.  

Reed Stewart Left chat 11:05 PM  

Marshall Stewart  

You still here, Car?  

Carly Stewart  

Have you seen me log off?  

Marshall Stewart  

No. Do you believe him? Do you really think he’ll show up?  

Carly Stewart  

Of course. He said he would. He’s never let us down when it’s been important. He sent that check when we needed the loan to buy the house, remember?  

Marshall Stewart  

That was money. This is emotion—and conflict. Reed isn’t good at emotion OR conflict. He runs from them both, as you might have noticed by the way he reacted on his prom night.  

Carly Stewart  

That was different.  

Marshall Stewart  

He could have killed her.  

Carly Stewart  

Marshall, don’t be overdramatic. It was a golf cart.  

Marshall Stewart  

It was a moving vehicle, and he was drunk.  

Carly Stewart  

He’d had a few beers, and he’s never been in trouble since.  

Marshall Stewart  

He’s never been back here since.  

Carly Stewart  

He never forgets your daughters’ birthdays.  

Marshall Stewart  

How hard is that? He has his assistant buy a card and tucks a $10 bill inside. Again, that’s money. I know Reed can do money. What I’m asking is if you think he can do THIS.  

Carly Stewart  

I think Reed still cares about the people he left behind back here in Bloomville, no matter how much he might pretend not to.  

Marshall Stewart  

I’ll believe it when I see it.  

Carly Stewart  

You’ve had a very bad day. Is there anything I can do to make it better?  

Marshall Stewart  

Do you have any strychnine?  

Carly Stewart  

No. But I’m wearing that red teddy you got me for Christmas.  

Marshall Stewart  

The one you said you were going to exchange for long underwear?  

Carly Stewart  

Yes.  

Marshall Stewart  

This has gone from the worst to the best day of my life.  

Carly Stewart