Past
Today is my day off. So after breakfast, Caroline and I spend a few hours outside on her swing set. After I lay her down for a nap, I hear my phone ringing from the kitchen. Thinking it’s Dean calling from work, I don’t even pay attention to the name on the caller ID before I answer.
“Hello?”
“Sylvie?”
“Linc?”
“Are you okay? Why are you whispering?”
I laugh, returning to my normal voice. “Sorry. I just laid Caroline down.
“Oh, so she’s asleep,” he says, disappointment coming through the line.
“Yeah, why?”
“I wanted to see her.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Linc? Are you drunk?”
“Come to your front door, Syl.” I can hear the smile in his voice.
I stop in my tracks, my heart racing at the prospect of him really being here.
“You’re joking.”
“I’m waitin’.”
I rush to the front door, flinging it open, and the sight makes me weak in the knees. “Well, are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna get your ass over here and give me a hug?”
It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him. The longest year of my life.
Squealing, I launch myself into his arms and he swings me around, holding me tight. “God, it’s so good to see you.” He inhales deeply, burying his face into my neck.
Tears burn my eyes, the weight of the last several months settling like an anvil of truth. I’ve missed him so much. He couldn’t have known how much I need him right now. How just being in his arms makes it all seem so much more bearable.
My chest fills with warmth. “What are you doing here?” I ask as he lowers me to the ground.
“I had the bus drop me off in Delmar and I rented a car. I have to leave for the airport no later than four a.m. if I’m gonna make the show in Fort Worth tomorrow night, so this will be a really quick visit but I had to see you. I needed to make sure you’re okay.”
“You drove three hundred miles out of the way just to see me?”
“Three hundred fifty-six to be exact.” He smiles.
“Linc, you didn’t have to do that. But I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too.” I lead him inside where he sets his guitar case next to the door and closes it. “Nice place,” he comments, looking around.
I realize he’s never been here before. Every time he comes to visit I meet him somewhere else, and now I’m glad that I had.
He looks uncomfortable here.
He picks up one of Caroline’s dolls he’s sent her, turning it over in his hand.
“Thirsty?” I ask.
“Do you have a special brew?”
“Matter of fact, I do.” I smile. “C’mon.”
We walk through the living room and into the kitchen. “I wish I had my own place,” he says.
“What happened to your apartment?”
“I bought out the last two months of my lease before I went on the road. I’m going to be living on a bus for the next six weeks anyway so I put all my stuff in storage.”
Opening the fridge, I reach for the special brown bottle. “This one’s called Lumberjack. It’s selling like crazy right now. I even like it and you know how I am about beer.”
Linc examines the bottle with the new Dawson’s Brewery logo. “This is cool as shit. When did y’all do this?”
“You like it?”
“Yeah, looks really great. It’s like the old one but…better.”
“I designed it.”
“Really?”
I nod.
“I love it,” he says again, taking a long pull from the bottle.
“Thanks. I finally talked Dad into giving the brand a face-lift. Their design was simple and effective but I thought we needed something a little more modern and eye catching. He wanted to hire a design company to do it all, but after I convinced him to invest in some graphic software and doing a bit of research, I was able to create what he wanted and still remain true to the original logo. Needless to say, he was very pleased with the results.”
“Well, look at you, graphic design, huh? Might have to get you to design my new album cover.”
I gasp. “Shut up.”
“Yep, head honcho from Milestone Records came into the Bluebird a few weeks back and offered me a deal I couldn’t refuse. We go into the studio after we come off the road.”
“Oh my God, Linc! I can’t believe it. That’s so great. I’m so happy for you!”
“I’ve been dying to tell you but I wanted to do it in person.” His arms wrap around me. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“Without me? Linc, this is all you. God, I can’t believe this is happening. I mean, I can…but I can’t. Oh my God! You’re gonna be on the radio!”
Linc gazes at me longingly before interrupting the silence by clearing his throat. “I’ve been working on some new songs. Wanna hear ’em?”
“Are you kidding, of course I do!”
We’ve been outside for the last two hours. Linc has played me several songs he’s been working on for the new album. Each one different and unique but laced with Linc’s signature sound.
God, I love his voice. I’ve missed his voice. There is nothing else like it.
Lazy yet powerful.
Hard with a smooth edge.
Like a shot of whiskey.
It’s easy to get drunk off of it, just let it pull you under and drown you. You can’t help but get lost in the sound, the lyrics.
There is one in particular I want to put on repeat.
“Play it again,” I say after the third time.
We are sprawled out on a blanket I had outside for Caroline earlier, shielded from the sun by the weeping willow out back. I have the baby monitor with me so I can hear Caroline when she wakes up.
“Sing it with me.”
Linc’s head is propped up on a throw pillow next to mine, our feet pointing opposite directions. He begins to strum the melody; the bluesy acoustic sound makes my belly dip every time he leads into the song. After Linc sings the first two lines, I join in.
I’ve been down this road a million times
Tempted to cross that line
Not sure how much more I can take
There’s a damn good chance I might break.
I know it’s been hard on ya, baby, just give in to me
My heart can’t take one more night without cha, baby, give in to me
I know you wanna do what’s right but, baby, I can’t wait
Give in to me.
Every night I close my eyes, I see you there
Baby blue eyes and long blonde hair
The years slip by and you’re still not mine
When will it ever be our time?
I know it’s been hard on ya, baby, just give in to me
My heart can’t take one more night without you, baby, please give in to me
I know you wanna do what’s right but, baby, I can’t wait
Give in to me
Give in to me
Give in to me.
As the last chord fades out, Linc twists his head, the heat of his breath fanning my face. “We sound pretty damn good together.”
I laugh. A deep belly laugh that has me rolling over. “You’re so full of shit.”
His smile falters when his eyes land on my lips. “I think you’ve written your first hit, Linc. It’s beautiful.”
The silence hangs between us like a dark cloud. Deep down I know whom that song is about, but I am too afraid to acknowledge it.
Linc’s hand drifts up to cup my cheek, brushing his thumb back and forth across my fevered skin. I close my eyes, trying to fight the urge to give in to him but it’s too hard and my body betrays me, leaning in to his touch. “Every song. Every lyric. My heart only sings for you.”
Opening my eyes, I part my lips. My heart burns in my chest. His mouth moves closer until I am drowning in his scent, his eyes, his unforgettable words. They swirl around me, twisting and knotting until my heart is a tangled web of hope and despair.
Caroline’s voice crackles over the baby monitor, sharply yanking me back down to reality. With a shaky sigh, I pull his hand from my face and push to my feet.
But my steps falter quickly when I run into a pair of dark brown eyes.
But it may as well have been a brick wall.
Dean is standing just a few feet away. His eyes narrowed, punching me in the gut with his knowing gaze. My heart thumps hard against my chest, desperate to run away.
What did he see?
Just as quickly as the anger steals his face, it’s gone. Almost like a trigger being pulled.
Cocked one minute.
Unloaded the next.
But the anger isn’t what he gives us. It is another side of Dean that frightens me even more.
The unnerving calm.
“What the hell is going on here?” he asks, folding his arms across his chest.
“Nothing, um…Linc just stopped by on his way through town. What are you doing home so early?” I ask, trying to keep the fear out of my voice. I can’t imagine what this must look like. By the look on his face, he’s seen and heard everything.
He slowly closes the distance between us. “I had a doctor’s appointment at two, remember?” He lifts his eyes behind me.
Shit, I’d forgotten. Once Linc arrived, I’d forgotten everything but him and me.
Linc gets to his feet.
Caroline babbles a broken sentence into the baby monitor. “Go take care of Caroline, Sylvie.”
“Dean, please.” I don’t know what I am begging for.
Forgiveness?
Mercy?
His eyes snap to mine, his voice deep and low. “Now.”
“Don’t fuckin’ talk to her like that,” Linc shouts, walking closer.
“I can talk to her any way I want. She’s my goddamn wife.”
“You don’t have to put up with this shit, Sylvie.”
“Linc, please,” I beg, turning to face him. I don’t want to have this conversation now and especially not in front of Dean. This is our marriage and when I decide to walk away would be up to me, not him.
The space between them ripples with hate, anger, and years of resentment.
All because of me.
“Motherfucker, I told you she’s mine. You stay the hell away from her,” Dean grits.
Linc smirks and dread settles in my belly.
“She may be your wife, but I’ll always own her heart.”
“Linc!”
Dean’s eyes swing to mine, rage burning in their depths. I shake my head, denying Linc’s claim.
Dean returns his hard gaze to Linc. “As long as I’m standing here breathing, she’ll never be yours.”
Linc’s pleading eyes find mine; silently begging for me to say something, but there is nothing I can say that will fix any of this.
No matter what happens, someone gets hurt.
Caroline’s crying puts my feet in motion as I turn away and bound up the back porch. Entering her room, I nearly fall to my knees, the pain of it all almost too much to bear. As I scoop her up, I hold her close, clutching to her for dear life as she cries.
But I hold it together for my baby girl. I don’t want her to see her mama upset so I carry her to the kitchen, placing her in her booster seat at the table for her afternoon snack.
After I have given her a few crackers and her sippy cup, shouting begins, but their voices are garbled and muffled by my own despair. I’m standing in front of the sink, trying to pull myself together, when Dean walks through the back door. His fingers curl around my arm as he hauls me into the living room. “I don’t ever want to see him near you ever again. You understand me?”
“Dean, calm down.”
The monster is back and he’s more vicious than ever.
He pulls me close, rubbing his nose up and down my cheek. “Jesus, you fucking smell like him,” he says, giving me a hard shake. His fingers are cruel vices against my skin while his entire body vibrates with anger.
“Look at me,” he orders, the cold sound of his voice freezing my blood.
Slowly, I lift my eyes to his. Pain and anguish darken his brown irises, turning them almost black. Leaning in, he draws in a deep breath, hovering near my chest and neck, nostrils flaring with disgust. “Do you know what it feels like to smell another man’s scent on my wife?”
I remain silent, my heart racing with anxiety. I don’t even have enough spit to swallow when he whispers, “Violent.”
“Dean, please, let me—”
“I don’t want to hear your excuses,” he barks, making me jump. “I know how wet you get for him. You think I don’t know you but I do. I know everything about you.” Panic blooms in my chest when he nuzzles my neck. I want to shove him away. Being this close, while he’s this angry, this unhinged, terrifies me.
“You dream about him, call out his name in your sleep.”
Oh God!
Sharp air vibrates through my lips on a gasp of shock. My subconscious has betrayed me. Shame stains my cheeks and my heart sinks. I hold his eyes, trying to hide what I feel inside, but Dean knows.
He can see it.
“I—”
“Why can’t I be enough? Why can’t you look at me like you look at him? Don’t you understand how much I love you? How much I need you.”
His words level me; bring me down to a place I’ve never known before. Where the light fades and darkness reigns, and I wonder if I will ever find the courage to walk away. I might be his cure but he is my disease. He thinks I can save him, but he is killing me.