Present
I tossed and turned all night. Not that sleep has ever been a friend of mine, but last night I couldn’t seem to fight off the memories long enough to squeeze in an hour. Before Linc strolled back into town, I was doing a good job of keeping them away.
Especially the bad ones.
But now they roll in like thunder and strike like lightning, a raging storm of pain and regret. The only regret I don’t have sits in the passenger seat next to me. She’s the only reason I made it through the last few years.
She’s the only good piece left of my shattered world.
And I’m trying like hell not to break it, too.
“Mama, please don’t make me go. Why can’t I just stay home with you?” Caroline pleads as I drive her to school.
This is almost an everyday thing. She hates going to school. She hates interacting with people. Probably because they all know what happened to her father.
Everyone in this damn town knows.
“Sweetie, we’ve been over this. You have to go.”
“I don’t want to be around those kids.”
“Why not?”
“Because they all look at me weird,” Caroline says quietly, looking out the passenger side window.
Kids can be so cruel sometimes. I’ve thought about homeschooling but the counselor said that would only make it worse. My heart clenches in my chest as tears clog my throat. I have no idea how to help her because I still don’t know how to help myself.
“Baby, it’ll get better with time,” I tell her gently.
That’s my answer to everything.
I tell myself that over and over but even I don’t believe it. It’s been a year and we’re still stuck in the same place.
My Caroline is not like other kids. She’s endured far more in her seven years than most kids her age. She’s so strong.
Far stronger than me.
When she leans over to kiss my cheek, I place my hand on her arm. My heart aches for her. She’s been to grief counseling. We both have. But she’s still distant and it’s killing me. She wants to deal with it on her own and part of me wants to let her, but I know it’s not healthy. But how in the hell are we supposed to move past this if I can’t even talk about it? I don’t know how to help her move on because I’m still stuck in the past myself.
“I love you, Caroline.”
“Love you too, Mama.”
The last year has been hard on her, and I’m doing my best to pick up the pieces and find a sense of normalcy but it’s just so hard. I want to be able to talk about Dean without all of this anger and resentment bubbling up from inside of me but it’s still impossible to do. And even though Caroline saw and heard more than I ever wanted her to, she loves her father very much. Since I’m uncertain with how I should be coping with his memory, much less honor it, I have, instead, buried it.
It might not be fair but it’s the only thing I’m capable of at the moment.
I’m just doing what I can to survive.
After dropping Caroline off at school, I rush back home so I’m not late for my appointment. I have someone coming to look at the roof to give me an estimate on the storm damage from last week. The last thing I need is another bill on my table but what else am I going to do? I have to get it fixed or else we’ll be swimming in the living room with the next storm that rolls through.
I only have ten minutes to spare by the time I pull into the driveway. Enough time to brew a pot of coffee and clean up the dishes from breakfast. I remember Linc’s promise to come by this morning, but I ignore the flutter in my belly at the thought.
Just as I turn the knob to start the dishwasher, there’s a knock at the front door.
Making my way through the tiny foyer, I stop to adjust a crooked picture of Caroline the day she turned four years old. I close my eyes against the memory and the heartache the day brought with it.
Not now, Sylvie.
When I open the door, I come face-to-face with Linc. “Mornin’.” His voice washes over me like an old familiar song, evoking a million emotions all at once.
I swallow hard but it doesn’t prevent the heat from soaring through my body. “Can I help you?” I ask, sarcasm dripping from my words.
A smile tugs at the corner of his lips as he steps forward. “Yep, I’m looking for my girl, Sylvie. Have you seen her? Vibrant woman, full of life, with a smile that could bring a man to his knees.”
“Nobody lives here matching that description. Maybe you should check down the street.”
He looks over my shoulder, stretching his neck. “Where’s Caroline?”
“School. I just dropped her off.”
“Damn, I wanted to see her. But I’m glad we’re alone,” he says, stepping further inside and shutting the door behind him.
Grinding my teeth, I walk away from him. “I didn’t invite you in.”
“Why are you being like this?”
“Like what?”
“So…I don’t know…hard.”
“What do you want me to say, Linc? Life made me this way. There, is that what you came here for?”
“No, I came here to look at your roof.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“You called Greg for a quote.”
“You’re working for Bradley Construction again?”
Linc worked for him all throughout high school, and as I recall they did stay in touch over the years. But I never would have expected him to go back to work there.
It’s not like he needs the money.
“Not really. Just picking up a few odd jobs while I’m here.”
While he’s here? Guess that means he’ll be leaving again once Gwynn recovers. The thought depresses me. Even though I’m fighting him at every turn, I can’t deny that I’m happy he’s here. I’ve missed him terribly. I just didn’t realize how much until he showed back up.
“Must be quite a change from touring on the road.” Linc not only became a country music star but he also set the bar for other artists in the industry as well, with his bluesy sound. Some say it isn’t even country. But it doesn’t really matter what the critics think. He sells out every arena. He’s sold millions of albums, won multiple awards, and has traveled all over the world.
He became everything I knew he would be and so much more. Linc Matthews can do whatever the hell he wants.
His familiar eyes meet mine, deliberately holding them longer than necessary. “You know I could never sit still for long.”
I clear my throat, uncomfortable with his penetrating gaze and the truth behind his words.
“Well then, follow me,” I say, my voice a weak version of itself. Heat creeps up my neck as I walk him through the kitchen and out the back door.
I have a ladder propped against the back of the house from when my father climbed up to take a look. Linc stands close to me. Our arms barely graze one another, but you would have thought his hands were all over me.
It’s been a long time since a man has touched me intimately.
“Dad says there’s no damage to the front, just the back.” I try to maintain control of my voice but it’s tough. I’m drunk off his scent and further weakened by the longing and desire flickering in his eyes.
Folding my arms across my chest, I brace myself for the inquisition I fear is coming.
He stands there with a grin on his face, looking at me like he knows exactly what I’m thinking because, damn him, he probably does. After a few agonizing moments, he finally proceeds to climb the ladder. I try my best not to admire his long legs eating up the rungs or how good his butt looks in those worn out jeans but it’s hard.
And I’m a woman starved for affection.
Sue me.
I cup my hand over my eyes to shield the sun and watch as he walks back and forth, assessing the damage. After about ten minutes of that, he climbs back down.
“You need a whole new roof. There are some soft spots up there that really need to be fixed, too.”
My shoulders sag, remembering my father said the same thing. He even offered to pay for it but I can’t let him do that. He’s done enough for me over the years. A quick fix will just have to do.
“Well, I can’t afford that. So if you could just quote the damage, that’d be great.” I pat his shoulder and turn to leave but he catches my wrist. The heat of his touch is enough to rob me of a gasp, and a whole lot of other things.
The burning flame in his eyes infuriates me. I’ve spent most of my life trying to resist this, and now that I can have it, I can’t bring myself to take it.
I don’t deserve it.
I snatch my wrist from his hand. “What are you doing?”
“I just want to help, Syl.”
“You can’t save me, Linc. No one can,” I whisper.
“I’m not here to save you. I’m here to love you. Because I never fuckin’ stopped.”
His words wrap around my heart, reminding me of my own truth. One I’ve carried around for as long as I can remember.
I never stopped loving him either.