Present
Linc left to go on tour, but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Of course I miss him terribly. His kiss, his touch, and all the little ways he loves me each and every day, but he left me with an immense sense of security and he still finds little ways to show me how much he cares from afar.
We speak on the phone every single day, usually before his shows, because by the time they are over Caroline and I are in bed. We talk via FaceTime every other day or try to anyway. Some days are harder than others. Caroline has school and I am busy preparing a home for us.
Linc designated me the daunting task of decorating, a project I wasn’t very sure of when I first began, but once I committed myself, I gave it my all. Gwynn helps a lot, too. She is in remission now. Most of her hair has grown back and she seems to have more energy than ever before. It’s hard to keep up with her sometimes. She visits often, as do my parents and Rachel and Will. It helps having my friends and family here for support, but nothing or no one can replace what he gives me.
Nighttime is the hardest. When it’s time to climb into our empty bed alone, I try not to cry. It’s not like he’ll be gone forever but still…I want him here now. It seems like my whole life has been nothing but one sacrifice after another. But isn’t that what life is all about?
Sacrifices.
My loneliness is a small price to pay to know the man I love is coming home to me in a few short months.
The tour has been a huge success. Sold out shows all across the US. The label has been hounding him to re-sign, offering a whole lot more money and creative freedom, but he continues to refuse. He says he wants to take a break. He wants to spend time with us and focus on songwriting for a while. Part of me wonders if he’ll regret his decision not to continue on his path to stardom. He’s released two more songs off his latest album and each one has hit number one within a week. They say he’s the next legendary star with a sound that rivals any artist before him.
Linc laughs every time he hears it. He’s still so humble. And that makes me love him even more.
He has a break in the tour next week and he’s scheduled to come home for two days. Two days doesn’t seem like very long but when you haven’t seen each other in a little over two months it seems like a lifetime. He’s tried to talk me into coming to a show but I can’t bear to leave Caroline right now and with her in school it makes it difficult to travel. But to tell the truth, his timing couldn’t be more perfect. With spring break starting next week, we’ll all be able to spend time together. And I plan to make the most of it.
Once I drop Caroline off at school, I head to my doctor’s appointment. I haven’t told Linc yet but I’m having my birth control implant removed today.
I go through the motions just like every other visit. The nurse weighs me then I pee in a cup. She puts me in a room where I’m told to strip down and put on the paper gown. I think about texting Linc while I wait. Butterflies flutter in my belly at the thought but before I can the doctor comes in holding my file.
“Hello, dear. How are you today?”
Dr. Foss has been my doctor for as long as I can remember. She delivered Caroline and has such a good bedside manner. She’s in her late forties and beautiful but she has a weird sense of humor.
“I’m good, Dr. Foss. How’ve you been?”
“Good, good. I see you’re here to have your birth control implant removed.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“You do understand that once I remove it, the possibility of getting pregnant increases by, oh say…a lot.”
I chuckle. “Yes, ma’am, I’m well aware. That’s kind of the point.”
She tosses my file on the counter and takes a seat on the short, rolling chair, clasping her hands in her lap. “Ah, I see. Well, the implant expired five months ago. So it’s a good thing you want to get pregnant because um…you are,” she says, patting me on the knee with a wide smile.
I gulp for air.
I’m pretty sure I look like a fish out of water, and right now I guess I am because that is the last thing I expected her to say. “Uh, I didn’t realize it had expired.”
I swallow against the knot in my throat, emotion building in my chest. Linc and I haven’t had sex since the morning he left to go on tour, and I haven’t had any symptoms. I can’t believe I’m pregnant.
My hand moves to my belly. “Are you sure?” I ask, not wanting to get too excited unless she’s one hundred percent positive.
“I need to do an exam and some blood work to be sure but your urine test was positive.”
Tears of joy spring to my eyes. I’m going to have a baby. Linc’s baby.
Our baby.
After Dr. Foss completes her exam and blood work, she confirms that I am approximately ten weeks. She removes the implant, writes me a prescription for prenatal vitamins, and schedules a follow-up visit for four weeks from now.
My face hurts from smiling so much, and I feel like I am walking on air. By the time I pick Caroline up from school, the news has really sunk in. I’m nervous about telling her but I don’t know why. She’s always wanted a little brother or sister. I guess I just don’t want her to feel like it will change anything between us, and I don’t want her to feel left out.
I debate whether to tell Linc over the phone or in person and decide to wait until he comes home next week. It just might kill me, but I want it to be special. I want to see his face when I tell him he’s going to be a father for the first time.
Linc calls later that night but his phone call is short and sweet. He tells me how he can’t wait to see me next week along with a few other naughty things and then he talks to Caroline briefly before letting us go. I try not to be disappointed. There are days when he’s so busy with radio interviews and other obligations that he doesn’t have time to sit and chat, but I was kind of hoping today would be different.
Just a few more days.
Later that night, as I’m lying in bed caressing my belly, I notice for the first time how hard it is and appreciate the delicate life growing inside of me. I can’t believe I haven’t had any symptoms. I was sick as a dog the first three months with Caroline but Dr. Foss did tell me that every pregnancy is different. And life has been chaotic the last few months. I guess I just never really slowed down long enough to realize. I’m actually kind of glad I quit my job at the Blue and White now. I was hesitant at first. I knew I needed to be home. To spend as much time as possible with Caroline. But I didn’t want to have to rely on Linc to take care of us. I wanted to contribute. But arguing with him about it was like trying to reason with an angry bear. It just wasn’t happening. This will give him even more reason to gloat about him being right but I don’t care.
I’m more than happy to let him have his moment.
The following day is a haze of daydreams. Between wanting to tell Linc and wondering if the baby will be a girl or a boy, I can hardly contain my excitement.
In an effort to keep myself busy and resist the temptation of telling him now instead of in person, I find myself in the garage where I’ve stored a bunch of things I need to go through.
There’s a lot in here that I need to get rid of but haven’t really put forth the effort. I think because some of the boxes are filled with Dean’s things. I donated most of his stuff but there were some things I wanted to hang onto for Caroline. Like his wedding ring, his birth certificate, some old coins he’d collected over the years.
Digging through the boxes I find several tiny onesies from when Caroline was born and the precious little smock dress we brought her home in, setting it aside to hold onto for her, too.
I notice, for the first time in a long time, it doesn’t hurt so much to remember. The pain is a reminder of where I’ve been but the love and joy in my heart helps me remember where I am going.
I find two large boxes and begin tossing out things we no longer need. As I get to the bottom of one filled with junk, I find that small wooden box at the bottom. My heart clenches in my chest. It’s the one he used to keep all of his drugs in. I’m about to toss it in the discard pile but open it up to make sure there is nothing in it.
And there’s not.
Minus a small white envelope with my name written across the front in Dean’s handwriting.
My breath freezes in my lungs as tears prick my eyes. Setting the old box aside, I hold the envelope in my hand for what feels like an eternity before I finally summon enough courage to open it.
Dear Sylvie,
The first time I laid eyes on you, I knew you were the only “good” I was ever going to get out of life. I was also fully aware that making you mine meant stealing your happiness. A better man would have walked away, but I was never that kind of man. I’m selfish. I always have been. I’ll never forgive myself for all the pain I put you through. The things I’ve done. The things I’ve said.
You deserved better than I could ever give.
I tried so hard to be what you needed but every day that monster inside of my head pulled me further and further into the darkness. My mind has always been warped and twisted but it has reached a point where I can no longer—no—where I cannot wait any longer. I refuse to wait for the final twist where it snaps all together.
I’ve lived on this earth for twenty-seven years and there is not one day I would want to relive except for two. The day I married you and the day our daughter was born. Those two days were worth every day I fought for my sanity. But even those moments of pure happiness do not silence the monster, and I have come to realize, nothing ever will.
Death is my only salvation, and I accept my fate willingly if it means setting us both free.
I wish you nothing but happiness, even though it requires my absence in order to find it.
Please tell Caroline that I love her more than I ever loved myself and that every time the sun kisses her face, that’s me, watching over her.
Dean
My hand trembles as I lower the note and fall to my knees on the cold concrete floor. I sob into my hands, relieved to know that he’s finally at peace. That even though he chose death as his escape, it gives me comfort knowing that he’s no longer suffering or in pain.
Once I pull myself together, I fill the small wooden box with the note and the things I want Caroline to have of her father’s and put it in my chifforobe. I will share this with her when she is old enough to understand. Until then, I will hold them close and never forget the man who loved me with everything he had.
It may not have been the kind of love I needed but it was the kind of love that changed me forever.
That kind of love never dies.
Life can be full of sorrow and grief but there can also be sunshine after the storm. There can be joy and happiness and light. But in order to fully appreciate that light, we have to walk through the darkness.
We have to hold hands with pain and dance out in the rain.
It’s the only way our heart can comprehend what love truly is.