Present
There is only so much a person can take before they break. Before they lie down and let the pain and despair consume them completely. I’ve overcome a lot. I got married and had a baby at seventeen. I watched the father of my child take his own life. Found the courage to face his death and began to pick up the pieces.
But losing Caroline…
Words cannot describe what losing her would do to me. Even right now, not knowing where she is, if she’s hungry or worse, if she’s hurt, my heart feels like it’s being carved out of my chest. There’s a hollowness in the pit of my stomach that tells me I won’t be able to go on without her. She’s the reason I breathe, the reason I live.
Without her, I’m nothing more than an empty shell.
Standing on the front porch, I look out into the dark night. Caroline has been missing for close to seven hours. My house is full of my friends and family, Rachel and Will, my parents, Gwynn, but I can’t be around them right now. I’m too upset, too angry. All I want to do is scream up to the star-littered sky.
Why?
Haven’t I endured enough?
I hear the door open but I don’t turn around. I know who it is when his firm fingers massage my tense shoulders. “You okay?”
Shaking my head, I swallow past the permanent knot in my throat.
He exhales a long sigh. “Mama made some soup, you should come inside and try to eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” I say, shrugging from beneath his comforting hands.
I don’t want his comfort. Not when my baby girl is out there all alone with no one to comfort her.
“You need to keep your strength up. Caroline will need you when she gets home.”
“How do you know she’s coming home, Linc? God knows where she is or who she’s with. I’m going out of my mind right now. I have no idea if she’s hungry or hurt or…”
I can’t even finish the sentence. I can’t allow myself to go down that road. Panic claws at my throat, strangling me.
Linc reaches for my hand but I jerk it away and attempt to go back inside but I’m spun around and pulled against his chest. I fight the urge to wrap my arms around him but once I’m enveloped in the warmth of his embrace, I give in to the need.
Linc strokes the back of my head. “She’s gonna be okay. I promise.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. She’s strong, just like you. She can survive anything.”
“I shouldn’t have left her. This never would have happened if I had been here.”
“Syl, don’t do that to yourself. This isn’t your fault.”
“Yes, it is. I wasn’t here to protect her. God, I don’t know if I can do this. I can’t lose her.”
He leans back and takes my tear-stained face between his hands, wiping away the moisture beneath my eyes. “Listen to me, you’re not gonna lose her. They’ll find her. They will.”
My forehead falls to his chest on a silent prayer, hoping he’s right.
I’m not sure how long we stand locked together. It feels like hours. Maybe days. It’s only when my cell phone rings from my back pocket that I pull away. Dani’s name lights the screen and relief floods my body briefly before dread steals it away. I’ve tried to call her nonstop for the last two hours but couldn’t reach her. I hold the phone to my ear with a shaky hand. “Hello?”
“Mama?”
I grip Linc’s shirt, my knees weakening beneath me. “Caroline? Oh my God, baby, where are you? Are you okay?”
“Mama, Aunt Dani won’t wake up,” Caroline cries out and my heart slams against my ribcage.
“Where are you?”
“With Daddy.”
Fear sweeps through me, knocking the wind from my lungs. It takes me a few precious seconds to find my voice. I keep it low and calm, trying not to frighten or upset her more than she already is. I feel so helpless right now. “Are you at the cemetery, Caroline?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
I nod to Linc and he releases me long enough to dash inside and get Deputy Bolton, who has been here since we left my parents’ earlier. I tap the screen for speaker as Linc comes back out, Deputy Bolton following behind him. The three of us head toward his squad car. “Mama, I’m scared.”
“I know, sweetie. We’re on our way. Do you know why Aunt Dani won’t wake up?”
“She said she missed Daddy too much. She took a lot of medicine, Mama.”
Oh God, this can’t be happening.
I haven’t been here since we buried him. Not even when they put his headstone in place. Guilt tries to overtake me as we make our way toward the back, but I stomp it down.
My only concern is Caroline right now.
“We’re here,” I tell her as we pull through the wrought iron gate of the cemetery where I buried my husband. Before the deputy has the car in park, I bolt and barely register Linc calling after me, but I refuse to wait. I’ve kept Caroline on the phone the entire time, trying to talk about anything but the fact that her aunt may or may not have taken her own life, but mostly I just reassured her that Dani would be okay, even though I have a sinking feeling she won’t.
The wail of sirens can be heard off in the distance as I make my way toward his grave. I frantically search for her but my eyes are full of tears, and I can’t remember which way to go.
Then I spot her.
She’s running toward me, tears streaming down her face in rivers of fear.
I fall to my knees the second she reaches me and take her in my arms. “Thank you, God.”
It’s all I can say. Over and over the words fall from my lips in a desperate and gracious prayer. I finally find enough strength to release her. “Are you okay?”
She nods and by all appearances she looks perfectly fine. Not a hair out of place, but I can see the deep sadness buried in her dark brown eyes. She looks over her shoulder as the paramedics run toward Dani as well as several other deputies.
Her tear-filled eyes return to mine. “Is she gonna be okay, Mama?”
“I don’t know, sweetie. They’re gonna do their best to help her.”
“She was so sad,” she whispers, her lip quivering. “I tried to make her feel better. I tried to tell her Daddy was in the sky. That he was in a better place but she wouldn’t listen. She just kept saying how much she missed him. I miss him too, Mama.” Her tiny arms wrap around my neck tightly. “I miss him, too.”
“I know.”
Linc crouches down beside me and cradles her face. “You sure you’re okay, sweet girl?” I’m already on the verge of tears but the emotion in his voice sends them falling down my cheeks.
She wraps her arms around his shoulders as she buries her head in the crook of his neck. The sounds of her cries are all too familiar. They’re the same ones from one year ago.
The sound of a child’s heart breaking in two.