Present
Besides photos, memories can be the only evidence the past ever existed. Some of my memories have faded with time, content to lose their color and shape because they were neither important nor significant enough to hold on to. But most of my memories are still so fresh and vivid, flashing through my mind constantly, spinning on loop like an old record. They feed from my grief and sadness, forcing me to remember.
Seeing Linc again stirs up a lot of emotions, and I’m drowning in the memories of our past.
This is why I haven’t seen or talked to Linc in over a year. Not since the day of Dean’s funeral. It hurts too much to remember, and I know now that he’s back he won’t allow me to keep them buried any longer.
I ignored his proclamation that after all these years he still wants me and went straight back to work. There’s no way I would have been able to finish my shift otherwise. Because I know, as well as anyone, that once Linc sets his mind to something, he follows through with annoying determination.
And I don’t want to take a walk down memory lane. The wreckage I’d left behind is just too devastating to witness. The wounds are too raw and fresh. Revisiting it is like peeling the scab off a wound that wouldn’t heal.
It hurts like hell every time.
I ask Eliza to take his table and finish cashing out the rest of my customers before starting my side work. After rolling up the last of the silverware, I grab my purse and walk out the back door into the employee parking lot, and there he is. Waiting for me.
Just like he’s always done.
Linc shoves off the driver’s side door; hands shoved in his front pockets, that confident grin smothering his face. “Did you think it would be that easy to get rid of me?”
“I can’t talk right now. I need to go pick up Caroline,” I say, trying to sidestep him to get to my car, but he steps in front of me, his heavy gaze pinning me in place.
“So this is how it’s gonna be?”
I swallow thickly. “How what’s gonna be?”
“You can’t shut me out forever, Syl. We made a promise, remember?”
“We were in the fifth grade.”
“So, still counts.” His face softens further and he reminds me of that little boy who stole my heart all those years ago. Before it was hijacked by a thief in the wheat field.
“How’s Caroline?” he asks. I relax my stance and lower my arms. He knows my weak spots.
He knows everything.
I take a moment to really look at him. It’s hard to see every line but I can clearly make out that his sharp jaw is set; sporting a five o’clock shadow and an intensity I’ve never seen before. I can see it in the way he looks at me, the way he’s standing, just out of arm’s reach but close enough to let me know he’s here. And he’s not going anywhere. Now that I really look at him, he looks tired. The crinkled skin fanning the corners of his eyes has grown deeper, worry buried within the lines. Pretty sure I’m the cause of some of that.
That’s why it’s just best to steer clear of him and everyone else for that matter.
“She’s okay. We’re fine,” I reassure him, trying to suppress the deep ache re-emerging in my chest.
“I miss her, Syl.” He collects a step forward, cupping my elbow. “I miss you.”
I sigh, dragging my eyes to the ground, because the selfish part of me wants to throw myself in his arms and fall apart. Let him figure out how to put the pieces back together, but I can’t do that. I’ve caused him enough pain. He deserves better than that. “Linc, please don’t.”
“Don’t what? Don’t fuckin’ care? Stop asking me to do that. It’s pissin’ me off. It’s time to face this, Syl. You can’t keep hiding from everyone.”
“I’m not hiding.”
“You forget who you’re talkin’ to here. I know you. Better than anyone. I’ve given you time to work it out on your own, but you gotta let me back in, Syl. Let me help you through this.”
I turned that longing into anger. It was the only way I could keep from giving in to my greedy heart. “I’m not doing this right now. I just pulled a double, my feet hurt like hell, and now you’re making my head hurt.”
His jaw tics but his voice remains calm. “Then when?”
When will I be able to pour my heart out and tell him everything left unsaid?
Probably never.
I don’t say that though. Instead, I shove past him, seeking refuge from his expectant stare. Thankfully, he lets me in my car and I think I’ve made my escape, but once I click my seatbelt into place, his knuckle taps loudly on the window.
“I’ll be by the house tomorrow,” he informs me as I begin powering down the glass.
“I have to work tomorrow,” I snap, putting the car in reverse.
He lowers his head, seeking my eyes. “It’ll be before your shift.”
I don’t even bother asking how he knows what time I come in, because knowing Linc, he’ll be there at dawn. I drive off into the night, sparing him one final glance as I pull out of the parking lot, then I continue my journey down memory lane.
Alone.