Present
The pain seems to be unbearable today, digging into the center of my chest like a serrated knife, allowing memories to fester and bleed. I barely made it through my shift, and when my boss asked me if I wanted to fill in for a waitress who called in, I quickly answered no.
I couldn’t take one more order.
I couldn’t fake one more smile.
All I want to do is crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. But I have to pick up Caroline soon. My stomach rumbles, reminding me I haven’t eaten a thing all day, but it’s a fleeting thought as I climb the stairs to my room.
I toe off my shoes and shimmy out of my jeans, tears blurring my eyes while the knot grows thicker in my throat. Shedding the rest of my clothes, I bypass the bed, seeking refuge in the shower. Hot water rinses away the day but it does nothing to alleviate the heaviness in my chest. I sink to the floor, sobs racking my weak body.
Then, I let it all go.
I wail, allowing the pain to completely take over. Hopelessness grips my soul, dragging me back down into the dark and treacherous depths of my despair.
It’s slowly killing me inside.
A small part of me wants to be free…to find a way to forget Dean completely. Another sob racks my body. The rest of me wants to let him consume what is left.
The other night when Linc said it was time, I knew what he meant. It was time to tell him everything.
Time to let it all go. I’ve held on to it long enough, I know that, but a lot of what happened back then was my fault and accepting that has been difficult.
I barely notice when the door to the shower eases open. “Syl?” Linc breathes, deep concern etched across his face.
I don’t have the energy to stop him as he steps inside and shuts off the water. My teeth chatter, a chill settling deep into my bones.
A towel is wrapped around me, then he carries me into the bedroom. Drawers open and close while I sit shivering on the edge of the bed, my mind struggling to make sense of what is happening.
Dirty brown boots step into view, bringing an intense wave of heat. I sigh with relief, thankful for the comfort of his presence.
Once he has my T-shirt on, he grabs my hand and pulls me from the bed. My legs are wobbly and weak as he kneels down in front of me, holding out a pair of white cotton panties. I lift my foot, one at a time, without an ounce of humiliation.
If anyone has seen me at my worst, it’s Linc.
He stands; feathering his knuckles down my cheek as he stares down at me with eyes that promise everything will be okay.
God, I need that to be true.
But in order for me to ever be okay, I need something to drown this overwhelming guilt.
I should have loved him more.
I should have fought harder.
The regret is deep and troubling and all I want to do is forget.
Reaching up, I grip the back of Linc’s neck and pull him even closer to me. We land on the bed as my lips possess his in a singular quest to eliminate every emotion, every memory.
Every thought.
The taste of freedom is potent on his tongue. So is my shameless desire to claim it.
“Sylvie,” he mutters, one hand cupping my cheek.
I clutch the fabric of his shirt. “Linc, please, I need you.”
A noise rattles in his throat as I cling to him for dear life. “Let me hold you,” he whispers against my lips, bringing his hands to the sides of my face. His lips, the way they say my name, the way they kiss away the pain, I’ve finally found the relief I need.
“You need this. I need this. Let me give it to you.” I release an aching cry as Linc draws me even closer, wrapping me in his arms. “It’s no one’s fault. It’s not ours and it wasn’t his either. No one can be at fault for the way they feel.”
Instead of drowning in the suffocating guilt, I allow myself to be wrapped in the comfort, heat, and familiarity of Linc. Then I fall apart again. Only this time, when I’m finished, I don’t feel cold, empty, and alone.
I finally feel…free.
Blinking, I try to adjust my swollen eyes. My cheek is nestled in the crook of Linc’s shoulder and I inhale a long breath, his distinct smell enveloping me. His chin rests lightly on top of my head while my arm hugs his middle.
God, it feels so good here.
I don’t want to move from this spot.
His hand drifts up and down my back.
“What time is it?” I ask, my voice scratchy and raw as I rub my face against his shirt.
“Four thirty,” he answers softly.
“Shit!” Pushing against his chest, I try in vain to escape his warm embrace. “Caroline.”
He holds me tighter. “I already called your mom to pick her up. They’re going to get some ice cream then she’ll bring her home.”
He tucks my hair behind my ear, his fingers gliding across my cheek. “Thank you.”
“You’re exhausted.” His voice is soft, deep.
Knowing.
“You need to rest.”
“I don’t have time to rest. I have a daughter to take care of.”
“Well, who’s taking care of you?”
“I’m fine.”
“How is she supposed to get better if you don’t? You don’t talk about anything, Syl. Not with me, Caroline, your family, nobody. You’re closed off and you need to deal with this. It’s time to face it.”
I pull from his arms, and sigh gratefully when he releases me this time. I can’t look at him right now. It hurts too much. I’ll never be able to tell him the reason I sent him away or why I carry so much guilt over Dean’s death, because it would mean confessing my own secret and it’s too painful to even think about.
Sitting up in bed, I look down at the floor instead. Soft sunlight falls across the beige carpet in golden streams, so pure and warm, the exact opposite of how I feel inside.
“I don’t want to talk about him.”
I feel him scoot in behind me, the bed dipping as he moves closer. “I don’t wanna talk about him either. I wanna talk about you.” He presses a kiss to my lower back, and even with my shirt as a barrier between his lips and my skin it still causes goose bumps to ripple across my flesh. “You used to talk to me about everything.”
“Why didn’t you ever marry Charlotte?” I ask, diverting the attention from me.
He’s silent for a moment before he finally responds, “She’s a good woman. She deserves a man who will love her with his whole heart. Cherish her. Give her the life she’s always dreamed of. I couldn’t give that to her.”
“Why not?”
“Because the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was hold her and love you. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was lying to her, to myself. There’s only one woman I’ll ever want and that’s you.”
A spark of happiness flares in my chest with his words and the selfish part of me is so incredibly grateful for this man’s unrelenting loyalty and love, but then I’m reminded of the severe reality that I’m not what he needs, and I’m definitely not what he deserves.
“I need to get dressed before Caroline gets home,” I say, standing up, trying to mask my feelings.
He doesn’t say anything else as I go into the bathroom and shut the door, sliding down the hard wood to a heap on the floor, praying for the day when it doesn’t hurt so goddamn much.
When I finally emerge, I feel somewhat better, and deep down I know it’s because of him.
Because he’s here.
Regardless of if I want to admit it or not, I do need him. Linc has always been there, for every single good and bad moment in my life. Whether he was hundreds of miles away or right here, he’s always been there.
This is no different.
Linc is in the kitchen on the phone when I come down. His back is facing me as he leans forward on the counter. “Are you still nauseous?” he asks, and I surmise he must be talking to Gwynn. There’s a long moment of silence before he finally speaks again. “When is that appointment again? I haven’t asked her yet but I will. I know, Mom, I know. All right, I’ll be home later. Get some rest. I love you, too. Bye.”
He shoves the phone into his front pocket and spins around. “How is she?” I ask, my stomach twisted in knots.
“She’s been real tired lately but she doesn’t let it slow her down. I have to stay on her constantly to get rest. She only agreed to take leave from her job because I threatened to go up there and haul her ass out myself. That woman is as stubborn as you are.”
“I am not stubborn.”
Linc bursts into laughter, the sound deep and familiar, tickling my spine.
I love his laugh. It’s so genuine. Contagious. It never fails to elicit my own, no matter how hard I try not to.
“You’re the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met.”
“I can say the same about you. Well, except the woman part.”
He laughs again.
“She wants you and Caroline to come over for dinner Saturday night.”
Shame washes over me, reminding me of the time I’ve lost with her. There are so many things I’d change if I had the chance to do it all over again. I just hope Gwynn has found it in her heart to forgive me.
“I’d love that.”
He frowns, walking toward me. “You okay?”
I shrug, my eyes falling to the floor. “I don’t know.”
Closing the distance between us, his soft green eyes hold mine. I feel so raw beneath his gaze. He can see all the things I try to hide so there’s no use in even trying. His fingers lift my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes once more. I find comfort and understanding there, and something I thought I lost a long time ago.
Myself.
“You’ll get through this, and what’s waiting for you on the other side will be worth the climb. Trust the journey, baby, and trust me to help get you there.”
“I do trust you. I always have. It’s just…it still hurts so much. I’m tired of hurting, Linc. I’m just so tired.”
“I know, baby. I know it hurts. There’s nothing I can do about the pain. You have to feel it, Syl. You have to feel it so you can live it and move on. But you have to try. Avoiding me and avoiding life isn’t gonna make it go away. You have to face this.”
“I know,” I whisper, my heart squeezing with agony in my chest.
He lowers his mouth to mine and all of my sorrows seem to melt away. He’s a whisper of hope upon my lips, steadfast and true; giving me the one thing I need the most right now—his love. His hands move to my hips while his tongue wars with mine in a quest to brand me in some way but he doesn’t have to.
My heart has always belonged to him.
I sigh into his mouth, tilting my head to deepen the kiss. His groan of pleasure prompts me to fist the fabric of his shirt, pulling him closer. Those hands digging into my hips move to cradle my face as he begins to slow the kiss. “To know I can kiss you anytime I want is something I’ll never get used to.”
I smile, opening my eyes to find his staring back at me with great intensity. “Who said you can kiss me anytime you want?”
He kisses me again with even more possession. “You sayin’ I can’t?”
“We need to be careful around Caroline. At least until we figure things out.”
“I won’t rush you. I want you to heal, and I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure that happens but you’re mine now. I don’t know any other way to say it. I just know I can’t go another day without you by my side. Life is too damn short for that. We’re in this together, Syl. We always have been.”
This is so far away from the boy who was once afraid to tell me how he felt all those years ago. This is a man who knows exactly what he wants, and he isn’t wasting any more time.
“I come with a lot of baggage, Linc. A little girl who lost her father, and then there’s me. There’s not much left but a few broken pieces. I’m not the girl I was back then.”
“That’s not true. I know exactly who you are. You’re the girl who could always make me smile, even on the shittiest of days. The girl who stole my heart in the fifth grade and never gave it back. That’s who you are. Life may have shaped you to be the woman you are today, but all of those parts are still there. Every memory we ever shared, they’re all still there. And I plan on reminding you of every single one.”