Past
Butterflies dance in my belly as I stand in front of the mirror. Twisting from side to side, I smooth down the front of my dress.
Mama is right, lavender is my color. My blue eyes pop against the silky fabric and complement my pale skin. The floor length gown has a beaded bodice and a somewhat revealing slit. It nearly gave my father a heart attack when we brought it home to show him, but I love it, and as usual, my mother talked him into letting me wear it.
Rachel and I spent hours at the salon today. My updo is a delicate knot at the base of my head with blonde tendrils framing my face. I can’t remember ever being so nervous in my life. Even though I have no reason to be. I’m not going to prom with just anyone.
I’m going with Linc.
Tonight is the night. I’m finally going to tell Linc Matthews I’m in love with him.
God, I can’t believe I’m going through with this.
Nausea bubbles in my belly each time I think about it.
“Syl! Get your butt down here,” Linc hollers.
I smile, my heart fluttering in my chest.
Standing at the top of the stairs, he’s there waiting for me at the bottom. A big, goofy grin smothering his handsome face while he chats with my mom and dad.
They adore him, of course.
Everyone does.
Especially me.
His smile is contagious and anytime he’s in a room it’s full of light. Even after losing his father, Linc didn’t let it dampen his spirit. Of course he misses him very much, and some days I can still see the sadness in his eyes, but his father would not have wanted him to dwell on his death. So he finds ways to celebrate and remember his life through his music.
His hair has been trimmed for the occasion, but there are a few unruly pieces that always escape his attempt to tame the wild locks, a gift from his father, he always says. His tux fits his athletic body nicely and he’s wearing a lavender bow tie and vest to match my dress.
His gaze lifts to mine, and I have to hold onto the rail to keep my knees from buckling beneath me.
Those green eyes have become my weakness.
My addiction.
He hasn’t always had this effect on me. Which makes me realize just how much my feelings have grown over the years.
I have to fight every day to keep it from him.
I have no idea how to tell my best friend that all I can think about is what his lips taste like. How I dream about his touch, and not just his friendly, polite hands when they find the small of my back or tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear, but what it would feel like to have them roam my body and explore the places I only want him to discover.
So, tonight, I am putting it all on the line.
I hope and pray he feels the same way. When he looks at me like this, like I am the only girl in the world, like he can’t see anyone else but me, I think for sure he feels the same way.
But I’m also scared to death.
Terrified of what will happen if he doesn’t feel the same way. A rejection from Linc will definitely change our relationship.
We would never be the same.
I take the first few steps down and he shuffles on his feet. He seems nervous but he’s not going to let me see it. Linc has a way of making me feel calm even when he’s wound up. His strong confidence is just one of the many things I love about him.
“You look beautiful, Sylvie,” my mother says, standing next to my father, who has a pained look on his face.
When I reach the bottom of the steps, Linc gifts me with one of his breathtaking smiles, eyes flashing with something I hope is real and not just something I’ve imagined.
“Hey you,” he says, and my insides melt.
“Hey.”
He takes a step forward, reaching for my fidgeting hand. He can sense when I’m nervous. He knows me better than anyone. “You look…wow.”
My heart slams against my chest as he bends down to retrieve a clear plastic box from the bottom step.
“Hold on, you two, I need to grab my camera,” my mother says, scurrying to the other room.
“I should not let you out of here in that dress. You do not look seventeen, you look twenty-three.” My father runs a hand through his hair. He’s frustrated with me, and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with the dress anymore.
He wants me to make a decision about my future.
But I’m just not ready to decide yet. He has no idea about my plans to move to Nashville with Linc after graduation. Because even I’m not sure if that is still going to happen. We talk about it more and more the closer we inch toward grad, but my decision will be based on tonight and how this all plays out.
“I won’t let anything happen to her, Mr. Dawson.”
The conviction in Linc’s voice satisfies my father, and he finally smiles, landing a hand to Linc’s shoulder. “I know you won’t, son. You better behave yourself, too,”
“You don’t have to worry about that.”
I press my lips together, trying to suppress my disappointment. This is why I keep holding back. Each time I get the nerve to tell him, he always says something that makes me believe he doesn’t feel the same, or wouldn’t acknowledge it if he did.
Our friendship is too precious.
Will love destroy it?
Is he afraid to express his true feelings because deep down he knows it could end up ruining everything? That’s another reason holding me back for so long, but with graduation slowly creeping upon us, I can’t hold back any longer. There are too many what-ifs, mainly being what-if I let the love of my life get away?
When my mother returns, we are bombarded with her need to document every single second. She continuously snaps shot after shot as Linc slips the corsage on my wrist, a small smirk tugging the corner of his lips as I pin the boutonniere to his lapel. Standing in front of the fireplace, he wraps his arms around my waist as I press my back to his front, the warmth and safety I feel inside of these arms cannot be described.
I belong here.
It is as simple and complicated as that.
After thirty minutes of photos, and a small lecture from my father about drugs and alcohol, and how they can have dire consequences on a night like tonight, Linc leads me out front.
“Linc, you didn’t!”
He squeezes my hand. “Told you I would.”
The driver opens the door with the tip of his hat as we climb inside the long, black limousine. “This is so cool, but you didn’t have to do this. I would have been more than happy to ride in your truck or your mom’s car. How much did this cost?”
“Don’t worry about that stuff, Syl. I’ve got this. Besides, I wasn’t gonna take you in my beat-up truck, or my mom’s Taurus. That would not be cool.” He settles in next to me, the faint smell of his familiar cologne filling the small space. “We’re pickin’ up Rachel and Will, too.”
“They knew about this?”
He nods, a boyish grin curling his lips. “I wanted to surprise you. You surprised?”
“Definitely surprised. Thank you, Linc.” I lean over to kiss his smooth cheek. “This is going to be the best night ever.”
Linc reaches for my hand, lacing my fingers with his, and he doesn’t let go until we get to the hotel where prom is being held.
Tonight is not going the way I planned. Matter of fact, it’s not going well at all. From the second we walk in, Linc is pulled in every direction. It is normal. Everywhere we go he has people wanting to be near him. It’s as if he is the only person in the room. And usually I’m not bothered by it, but tonight I want his full attention.
“Will you stop being a chickenshit and tell him already?” Rachel says.
While Rachel and I sit at the table, the guys go grab us some drinks.
I’ve tried several times to tell him but I just can’t seem to find the right time.
Or the courage.
“I’m going to. I’m just…”
“Chickenshit,” Rachel finishes.
She’s known about my feelings for Linc for a while now and has been doing her best to convince me to come clean for months. She even worked through what to say with me so I didn’t sound like an idiot. And all of it sounds really good, in theory.
Now…not so much.
“You’re not helping you know; you should be giving me words of encouragement.”
“Okay, fine. If you don’t tell him, I will.”
I glare at her. “You wouldn’t.”
She challenges my stare. “Oh, I so would.”
“Would do what?” Linc asks, placing a clear plastic cup filled with Coke in front of me.
Will takes the seat next to his girlfriend with a knowing look on his face. I could kill Rachel for telling him but apparently when you’ve been together as long as those two, there are no secrets.
She promised me he wouldn’t say anything.
“Nothing,” I say before putting the straw between my lips, sucking down half the drink. My mouth is so dry. My nerves frazzled. I need to relax and take a deep breath.
The DJ puts on a familiar song and Linc reaches for my hand, pulling me onto the dance floor. “C’mon.”
His arms wrap around my waist, holding me close, while mine find their place on his shoulders.
“Remember this song?” he says after a few turns.
I remember.
How could I ever forget? It’s my favorite song in the whole wide world, especially when he sings it.
“Ferris wheel,” he reminds me with a smile, even though I already knew. “You were so damn scared. Kind of like you are now. What’s up with you? You’ve been on edge all night.”
I have the sudden urge to flee, to run away and hide. Fear sits like a heavy stone in my belly, and I find it difficult to speak around my tight throat.
“Talk to me, Syl.”
Nothing’s wrong.
Yet.
But that all might change the second I open my mouth.
I’m in love with you.
It’s right there on the tip of my tongue. It tastes of hope and desire, and a million other emotions I can’t define. It is every dream and fantasy I’ve ever known all rolled into one beautiful moment.
But I can’t say the words. Fear outweighs courage and just as quickly as it appears…
My chance is gone.
“I’m just scared about graduation is all,” I lie.
“Why?”
I shrug, avoiding his eyes. I’m afraid if I look at them, they will see everything I’m hiding inside. “You’re still comin’ with me, right? Have you heard back from Vandy yet?”
Shaking my head, I lie again. I received the acceptance letter two weeks ago but I haven’t told him yet.
Yet another secret I am keeping from him.
“You’ll get in. And if you don’t, you can go to community college until you do.”
“I still have no idea what I even wanna do with my life.”
“So what. We’re young, Syl. You don’t need all the answers right now.”
“True, but I still need answers to the most pressing ones, like finding a job and figuring out how I’ll pay my part of the rent and—”
“Hey, I told you not to worry about any of that.”
I press my lips together, suppressing my insecurities. This has been a constant argument between us. He has his inheritance from his father’s life insurance so he doesn’t need money, but he doesn’t understand how important it is for me to pay my own way. I can’t depend on him for everything.
Yes, I am in love with him. And yes, I want to be with him, but there’s absolutely no way I will let him pay my way. And then I have to wonder if I would just be in the way. He’ll be busy pursuing his music, and I have no doubt he will make it big once the right person discovers him.
“I don’t wanna talk about this right now. It’s too depressing.”
“Our future is depressing?” he asks with a raised brow.
‘Our?’
Hope flares in my chest.
“Listen, you’re comin’ to Nashville with me. We’ve been plannin’ this for too long and I can’t do it without you. I won’t. So stop being so damn stubborn.”
“Me? Stubborn? I could say the same about you.”
“That’s why you’re my best friend,” he says, pressing his hand to the small of my back, effectively molding me to his body. “I could never be anyone but myself when I’m with you.”
Resting my head on his shoulder, I close my eyes, my heart cracking in two. It screams to tell him, to confess every secret and fantasy my soul carries, but I just can’t bring myself to risk what we have. If we don’t work out or worse, he doesn’t feel the same way, our relationship will never be the same again.
So I settle on what we are instead of what we could be.