Present
“What time did she say she’d be here?” Rachel asks, sipping her glass of sweet tea.
“Around six.”
“It’s ten to. Think she’ll show?”
Peeking around the corner, I make sure Caroline is not within listening distance before I answer. She’s sitting on the couch watching Goonies. One of Linc’s favorite movies. I smile to myself. She told me earlier she already missed him.
To which I replied with a rapid ‘me too.’
“I had a talk with her earlier about Dani coming by. She was curious why she hadn’t seen her since her father died, and I tried my best to explain to her that people just grieve in different ways. Hell, I’m just now starting to come to terms with it.”
Rachel’s hand covers mine. “I’m so proud of you. I knew it would take some time but I also know how strong you are.”
“I’m not that strong. If it hadn’t been for Linc, I would probably still be a mess.”
“You should give yourself some credit, Sylvie. After all you’ve been through, most people would have given up, found a way to numb the pain or bury it forever. But instead, you carry it. You get up every day and find a way to go on. To live. To take care of your daughter. To me that takes a lot of courage and strength.”
“I guess I never thought of it that way. Finding a way to get through each day without falling apart had become a challenge for me, one I faced with fear and hope in my heart, praying that someday I would wake up and it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. I’m just so grateful those days have finally found me.”
“You deserve to be happy, Sylvie.”
A lump forms in the back of my throat. “Thank you for always being here for me, Rachel. I know I haven’t always been able to do the same for you, but I hope you know how important your friendship means to me.”
She leans forward, pulling me in for a hug. “I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”
A few moments later, after we’ve wiped away our tears, the doorbell rings.
When I open the door, Dani bursts through in a flurry of movements and frantic words. “I’m so sorry I’m late. I got hung up at work. Stupid boss. I told him I had somewhere to be but he just wouldn’t listen. Where is she? I can’t wait to see…” A gasp falls from her mouth as she rushes inside.
Caroline is standing next to the couch. Dani drops her bag and falls to her knees in front of her. “Oh my God, you’ve grown so much.”
Dani doesn’t say a word as Caroline’s eyes flicker to mine with uncertainty. “Dani, why don’t you have a seat so you and Caroline can visit. Can I get you something to drink?”
Shaking her head, she begins to cry. “I can see him in your eyes,” she says, gathering Caroline into her arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Rachel is standing in the entry of the kitchen, concern etched all over her face. When Dani finally releases Caroline, she stands up and takes a seat on the couch, wiping the corners of her eyes.
I hand her a Kleenex. “Thank you,” she whispers.
“Why are you sad, Aunt Dani?” Caroline asks, taking a seat next to her.
“Because I miss your daddy so much.”
“I miss him too, but I don’t cry when I think about him anymore.”
“Oh yeah? Care to share your secret with me?” A small smile curls Dani’s lips.
“Because Mama says he would be sad if we were sad. I don’t want Daddy to be sad anymore, so whenever I miss him a lot, I just think about all the good he gave me while he was here.”
Sniffling, Dani gives her another hug and shifts her eyes to mine. “Your mom is right. He wouldn’t want us to be sad.”
I retreat back to the kitchen to give them a little privacy. Their faint murmurs follow me and I smile, thinking about what Caroline said to Dani. I’m sure there will still be moments of sadness.
For both of us.
But we are finally dealing with it in a healthy, positive way. By being honest about who he was and honoring the good things about him. Dean will always be a part of our lives, the best part of him sitting in the living room.
I close my eyes on a silent prayer, thanking God for putting him in my life. Despite the pain and heartache I’ve endured, it was worth every bit to have that angel by my side.
A few hours later, Dani grabs her purse to leave. She gives Caroline a hug, telling her she will be back to see her soon and asks me to walk her out. Once we’re outside, her whole demeanor changes. Those brown eyes of hers that were twinkling moments ago are now filled with disgust. “He’s only been dead a year. I can’t believe you’re already moving on. How could you do this?”
“Dani, I’m not trying to be rude, but my personal life is, again, none of your business.”
She takes a step forward, folding her arms across her chest. I can see the anger building an arsenal in her dark eyes. I want to take a step back but I don’t want her to think I’m intimidated by her, even though I am. My body is trembling with fear but I hold my stance. “I should have known this would happen. I’m just surprised it didn’t happen sooner. I tried to tell him for years you two were more than friends but he was convinced you loved him.”
“I did love Dean.”
“No, you didn’t. You drove him to kill himself. It was the only way you could be with Linc.”
Spinning around, I reach for the screen door but she steps around me and kicks it shut, propping herself against it.
“I’m done with this conversation,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice calm.
“Well, I’m not finished yet.”
“Listen.” I soften my voice more. “I know you’re hurting, it’s been hard on us all, but I’m not going to wallow in my grief anymore. I can’t. I have a little girl to raise.”
“So that means letting Linc take my brother’s place?”
“I would never do that.”
“With the way Caroline talks, she thinks Linc hung the fucking moon. I’m pretty sure it won’t be long until she’s calling him daddy.”
“Linc has been a part of her life since she was born. They share a special bond but he’s not her father and he would never try to replace Dean.”
“Right,” she spits with a scoff.
“What am I supposed to do? Never find happiness again?”
“He’s dead because of you. You don’t deserve to be happy.”
I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I stagger backward.
She shoves past me, clipping my shoulder with her own, and without another word, climbs into her car and drives away.
I shouldn’t give her this much power over my feelings but it’s hard not to. Maybe she’s right; maybe I don’t deserve to be happy. I couldn’t love her brother enough to save him, so why do I deserve someone to love me enough to save me?