***
Bethany was waiting for me when I walked to my car that afternoon, which surprised me. I needed to get up to the hospital, but I would delay the trip for a few minutes for her.
"Hey," she mumbled as she wrapped her arms around her chest. Her intelligent green eyes were filled with unshed tears.
"Hey." I reached out and touched the side of her arm before pulling my hand back. I couldn't be kind or loving toward anyone on campus. Everyone would start to talk. "You all right?"
"Yeah." She sighed and pursed her lips as a tear dripped down her face. "No. I'm not."
"Beth." I reached for her, not caring for a few minutes about myself. I wrapped her in a tight, friendly hug and brushed the back of her hair like I would Amanda. "You guys don't have to keep this shit up, you know."
"He hired Christa's sister, Kendal. His ex-girlfriend's twin sister. Why would he do that?" She moved back and brushed her tears away angrily. "He hired Philip to come work for the firm. He knows Philip has feelings for me, that I would have feelings for Philip if it wasn't for him."
"Maybe he didn't hire Delilah, Beth. Maybe your father did." I let my hands drop to the side as her hurt seared me. I hadn't known her for more than a month, but if she was hurting, so was my best friend. I'd given him the cold shoulder before, and he fucking deserved it now, but my timing was shit. He was suffering far more than I was.
"And what about Philip?"
"You know anything I say is going to support Damon. You're putting me in a shitty situation." I slipped my hands into my pockets and glanced up at the setting sun. "He loves you and you love him. You both are being so damn stubborn right now. I would give anything for someone to love me."
The softness of her fingers on the side of my face caused my heart to soften.
"You're going to find her. I promise." She brushed her fingers down my cheek, leaving me a little uncomfortable.
I gripped her hand tightly. "You know my rules."
She laughed softly and pulled her hand free of my hold. "I'm in love with a bastard, Kendal. I'm not after you or anyone else. I belong to one man. I just wish I didn't."
"Then let him go." I regretted implying that she was hitting on me. She was broken, like the rest of us.
"No way." Anger burned past her gaze. "Never."
"Then what the fuck are you guys doing? You're just tearing into each other. Is that your purpose? His?"
"No. I don't know." She pressed her hands to her face and let out a soft sob.
"Beth." I reached out and gripped her shoulders. "Look at me."
She pulled her hands down, and my heart constricted in my chest. "It's over, but I can't let go. He's going to have to let go of me."
"You gave the ring back."
"I know." Her voice grew in volume. "It was my way of pushing him to grow up or give up. Sex doesn't heal everything. It's not the fucking answer to everything."
"It's not?" I asked earnestly. "I can think of the times in my life when I was most broken, and sex would have been quite appreciated to bring the balm of pleasure. I can't think of anything that links two people together more than making love. Why would that bother you?"
"Because, Kendal. Damon uses sex as a tool or a playing piece in his games. It's not the connecting of souls, which would be beautiful. It's dominance, control, ownership."
"I see." I let my hands slide down her arms. "And you don’t want to be dominated, controlled, owned by a strong man?"
"Fuck you for that." She closed her eyes and took a shaky breath.
"Love is messy, Beth. You know this. So do I. If Damon's love language is touch, then sex is all he understands. It is healing and right to him. It's the answer to every question where the two of you are concerned. You need to talk this through with him. Ignoring it in hopes of him smashing your heart is just pure ignorance, and selfish too."
"Selfish?" Her anger was coming back.
"Yes. Communication is key in a relationship. Stop acting like it isn't."
"Why am I talking to you? You're his fucking best friend."
"Because you know that I've seen him since you gave the ring back. Ask your question. Get it off your chest." I was goading her, but she needed me to. She loved Damon with a fire I could only hope to find in a woman of my own. For either of them to let it die would be beyond stupid.
"How is he?" She pursed her lips again and glanced down at the ground as another wave of pain shook her shoulders.
"He's torn in half. He's devastated and has sunk down into being the bastard we both hoped he would never be again." I reached out and pressed my fingers softly under her chin to force her to look up at me. "If you're angry, hurt, lonely, curious... if you care at all - go find him and tell him."
"I can't, Kendal."
"Then lose him. It's your choice." I released her and walked around her to my car.
She'd see my words and actions as heartless, but I'd planted a seed that might save both of them from living a life of what could have beens. They deserved better. Hell, I did too, but I wasn't standing on the precipice of making the worst decision of my life, at least it didn't seem like I was.
I got in my car and drove to the hospital in complete silence. My thoughts moved through the past like a movie reel, never stopping on one thing and yet letting every ounce of it dry up my hope.
Why was I fighting to become someone that I wasn't? Was it to gain love or acceptance? To be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe?
What did it really matter?