Twenty-Three

Austin

“You’re sure about this?” I asked Sutton for the tenth time since we’d shown up at the tattoo parlor the next day.

“More than sure.”

She was split between excitement and nerves at the thought of her first tattoo. I could still remember my first. I’d gotten it the day after I turned eighteen, and my dad had beaten my ass the next day. But I’d done it for my mom, and I didn’t care that I’d broken a rule while living under his roof.

“She’ll do great,” Julia said. “The first one is the hardest.”

I laughed and squeezed her hand.

“What?”

“I was just thinking the same thing.”

Sutton looked between the two of us through hollow eyes.

I quickly released Julia’s hand. “Sorry.”

“Don’t,” Sutton said, waving us away.

But I saw tears coming to her eyes again.

Fuck, I’m stupid. I hadn’t meant to flaunt my relationship in front of her.

“Let’s just do this,” Sutton said.

We walked inside and met with my tattoo artist, Nick. His boyfriend, Michael, was also there that day, lounging around and making fun of the absurd tattoos Nick had recently put on people’s bodies.

“Austin,” Nick said, clapping hands with me. “I was happy when you called, man. What are we doing for you?”

“Not for me,” I said. “This is my sister Sutton.”

“Virgin skin?” he asked.

“Yeah, this is my first,” Sutton said, relaxing at Nick’s easy demeanor.

“Great. You know what you want?”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“And you?” Nick asked. He eyed Julia’s tattoos. “May I?”

She held her hand out, and he took it, looking at all the inked skin that I adored.

Nick whistled. “Please tell me, I get to add to this masterpiece.”

“I haven’t quite figured out what my next tattoo will be,” she told him.

“Whoever did the rest of your work really knew what they were doing. I’d love to play on your skin.”

Michael snorted down the row and kicked his feet up onto the counter. “Language, love.”

“Michael, appreciate her beautiful work, and then get back to me.”

“She’s not my type,” Michael shot back.

Nick thoughtfully patted Julia’s shoulder. “You’re not mine either, honey.”

I just shook my head, and even Sutton cracked a smile.

Julia gave him an amused look. “That’s probably for the best since I’m with Austin.”

“Oh, new honey. I love it.” Michael cooed from the front.

“Girlfriend,” Austin corrected.

Nick’s eyebrows rose. “How new and different. Now, let’s focus on the sister. You know what you’re in for?”

“They filled me in,” Sutton said. Then, she glanced at us both before adding, “A couple of times.”

Nick laughed and grabbed her hand. “I bet they did. They can’t help it. Now, let’s head back and get you prepped. Tell me everything about you. What are we doing today?”

Julia and I followed her into the back room where Nick worked on getting her ready for her tattoo.

“Nervous?” Julia asked.

“Yeah, but I can handle anything now.”

“What are you going to get?”

Sutton glanced down at her wrist. “A dandelion. It’s how Mav and I started. We’d known each other for a year before he worked up the nerve to ask me out. Said I was out of his league. Then, we were at a party. We were both a little tipsy. It was silly at the time, but he plucked a dandelion and wished on it for us. It’s been our thing since then.”

“It’s perfect,” Julia whispered, her voice choked, as if she could barely form the words.

“Yeah,” Sutton said. She reached out and took Julia’s hand. “Thanks for being here for me.”

“Of course,” Julia said.

“I’m happy for you and Austin, you know?”

I smiled and ruffled her hair. “Thanks, Sut.”

“I know that I’d never be able to do this with anyone else. Thank God Jensen isn’t prejudice and doesn’t care what someone looks like as long as they can do the work.”

“I would have been fired a long time ago,” I said.

Sutton rolled her eyes. “Yeah, right. For one, you can cover your tattoos with a button-up, but Julia has hers on display. She dyes her hair. She has a nose ring. Her skin is a palette of colors. She doesn’t hide who she is.”

Julia squirmed at the attention. I could tell again that something was wrong. Just like the day before at the wake. She had looked like she wanted to tell me something. I could feel her holding back. A part of herself that I couldn’t seem to reach. I had fallen hard for this girl, and my whole family loved her. I needed to find a way to get that through to her. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to hide.

Nick returned then and started his work. Julia and I alternated with holding Sutton’s hand as she got her first tattoo. By the time she was done, she was shaking. But she looked happy despite the pain she’d endured.

“It wasn’t so bad,” she said as we left sometime later.

Julia and I snickered.

“We’re going to get you addicted,” Julia said.

Sutton nodded vigorously. “I feel like I already am.”

I knew this wouldn’t make it up to her. Nothing ever could. But at least we’d found something to cheer her up even if it was momentary. It gave me hope that she’d pull through in the long haul. Not yet. Not anytime soon. But maybe eventually.

Life went on.

Going back to work on Monday morning felt…crazy. Like we had all been swimming through rough waters and were now expected to sit in the kiddie pool. No fires to put out. Just regular work. How could everything go back to normal, as if Maverick had never died?

His office was on my floor. It had been cleared out before I even got into the office. I didn’t know how I felt about it. Was it a relief or depressing? That we could erase someone so quickly.

I knew one thing. I was glad Sutton didn’t work for the company. We would have made her take time off anyway, but I couldn’t imagine her coming in and seeing that. It’d break her already broken heart.

But we couldn’t ignore work any longer.

Elizabeth Leyton would be coming in this afternoon for her interview for the CFO position. We’d moved her back from last weekend, and we had two more interviews to do before the end of July. I knew Jensen wanted to decide about the position before the end of the summer. That way, everyone could get trained into their spots, and he could work on his private architecture venture.

Everyone was moving into their dream job. Everyone, except me.

The thought of figuring out what I wanted to do with my life and everything with Sutton made me want to open a bottle. Patrick and I had thrown out all the ones in my office weeks ago, so I wouldn’t be tempted. I’d seriously reduced intake just enough to keep me from feeling sick to my stomach. I knew the worst was still yet to come with all of this. Giving it up entirely was the next mission, but it had been hard enough, reducing it. I didn’t think I was ready. My hands shook as the taste of whiskey flooded my mouth, as if I were actually drinking it. Sometimes, the taste would come to me so suddenly that my blood seemed to sing at the thought of having a drink.

But I had Julia. She could get me through this stress. I could make this work. I didn’t need a drink.

Fuck!

I pushed away from my desk and left my office. I’d thought I was fine with all this shit. It turned out, my clarity only came from Julia. Once I stopped and thought about Maverick’s death, everything hit me fresh. All the reasons I’d started drinking in the first place. All the reasons I couldn’t stop myself from craving the bottle. It ate at me.

I stumbled into Patrick’s office and shut the door behind me. “Do you have a drink?”

Patrick glanced up from his computer. “What the hell, man? I thought you were cutting back?”

“I am. Fuck!”

I slammed down into the seat in front of his desk and put the heels of my hands to my forehead. “I just…need a drink.”

“Dude. No. You just want a drink. Is this about Sutton?”

“Maybe.”

“Look, I’m like your brother. I’ve been there from the start. I know that Maverick’s death can’t be easy with your past,” Patrick said. “But is having a drink really the answer?”

“Do you have one or not?” I snapped at him.

“I’m not going to fucking give you one when you’re like this.”

“You’re a dick.”

Patrick shrugged. “You’ve been doing really well, dude. Take some deep breaths, and get yourself back under control. Would you have gone to Julia for this?”

“Of course not!”

“Then, you don’t need that drink.”

“I know!” I burst out of my seat and started pacing the room. “I know I don’t. But…what the fuck am I going to do, Patrick?”

“You’re going to sit your ass back down and deal with it, like how everyone else does.”

I sat. “How does everyone else deal?”

“With time,” he said. “I know that’s not what you want to hear.”

“No, it’s not.”

“But this will pass.”

I tilted my head back and looked up at the ceiling. He was right. Inherently, I knew he was right. But it didn’t stop the thirst. It didn’t make me feel any less crazy for wanting it so desperately. I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t think I knew anyone who could understand what I was going through.

“Okay. Yeah. You’re right.” I shook my head.

I don’t need it. I don’t need it. I don’t need it.

“Are we still on for my birthday next week?”

I nodded. “I’m down. What do you want to do?”

“I’d say dinner, but Mindi and I are off again.”

“Big surprise.”

“I don’t want to be the third wheel with you and Julia.”

“Then, invite someone else.”

“I guess I could see if Mor is free.”

I grinned. Was Patrick finally admitting what was between him and Morgan?

Then, I looked at his face and realized the idiot still had no clue.

Patrick wrinkled his nose and then shrugged. “But maybe we should just go out with the guys.”

“Cool, man.”

Patrick stared back at his computer screen. Case closed. “You should probably stay in here until you’re okay again. All right?”

I nodded and didn’t move from his office for several hours.

Fuck, I’m so weak.