Four

Julia

But, God, I hate myself.

“Stop,” I said, pushing away from Austin.

I jumped to my feet and walked to the cliff’s edge. Fuck, what is wrong with me? Sure, I’d said that I want to have sex, but Austin? Could I look more desperate? After what we’d gone through, giving in to his advances would be so stupid. I was setting myself up to be hurt.

Austin grumbled behind me before jumping off the bed of the truck and following me. “What the hell?”

“Is this the only reason you brought me up here?” I demanded.

Fuck sensible.

I wanted an argument. At least Austin would give me that. Because Trevor sure hadn’t. Now, I was picking a fight with Austin, knowing he’d provide the ammunition.

“So, what if it was?” he snapped. “You seemed plenty willing.”

“Yeah, plenty willing. Even though I told you not to fucking touch me.”

“Right. As if you were serious.”

“Fuck, I was!”

“Then, why the hell did you come here with me in the first place?”

“I’m asking myself the same fucking question.”

“Sometimes, you really make no sense,” Austin said. His eyebrows were scrunched together, as if I was a giant mystery that he had yet to solve.

“It’s not hard to respect boundaries.”

“Boundaries?” he asked with a look of affront. “You have been eye-fucking me since you got here.”

“You’re mistaking my scowl for sexual attraction.”

His lips quirked up. “Am I?”

“Yes.” I kept my voice strong and my eyes hard.

“You’re right. Why the fuck would I think to bring you up to Make-Out Point?”

“What?” I snapped.

“Where did you think we were? An abandoned parking lot?” he asked with a crisp, tight laugh, as if I were an idiot for not seeing it for what it was. “After the sun has set, this place will be crawling with teens.”

I was about to boil over. He hadn’t brought me here for the fucking sunset. He hadn’t wanted to make me happy or convince me to draw the beautiful scenery. He’d wanted to fuck me. Plain and simple.

“You really are disgusting. You know that, right?”

“And here I thought, I was doing you a favor,” Austin said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I thought you wanted a rebound.”

“I want nothing to do with you, but thank you for reminding me of that fact,” I spat in his face.

Then, I turned on my heel and stormed back to the truck. My hands were shaking as I reached for the door. I yanked it open and was halfway inside when Austin’s hands were on my hips.

“Don’t storm out of here,” he said.

“Fuck off, Austin.” I slapped his hands off of me and whirled to face him. “I might want a rebound. Something fun and light and easy. Something to take my mind off of things. But you’re an idiot if you think that I want that from you.”

“Who do you want it from then?” he asked, as if it were a challenge.

I clenched my jaw before spitting out the first name that came to mind. “Patrick.”

Austin’s eyes went flat and deadly. Patrick might not be his brother, but he was closer to his best friend than his own blood. I’d committed treason with one word. And it felt fucking good.

“Patrick,” he repeated.

“Yeah. Have something to say about that?”

I could see all the words he wanted to say clear as day on his face. Pretty much all of them were four letters, and the rest were more colorful versions of the favorites. But I waited and held my ground, daring him to say something.

“Good luck with that.”

“I’m getting out of here. You drive me crazy.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

I wanted to scream. Oil and water. Christ!

I jumped into the front seat of the truck and slammed the door in Austin’s face. Everything about my interactions with him left me feeling irritated and vulnerable. How is he able to press my buttons so easily? And not even all the good ones.

I didn’t wait for Austin to get into the truck. He just thought I was pissed and needed some space from him. But I was so done with his ass.

Without a backward glance, I peeled out of the parking lot. Through the rearview mirror, I saw him holding his hands up and cursing my name, but I didn’t turn around, and I didn’t stop. Served him right for bringing me up here, expecting that, just because I was newly single, I’d fuck him. Sex was never our problem. It was everything else that I had issues with.

All we did was argue and fuck. I couldn’t have the second, and I was tired of the first. He made my blood boil—in the best and worst ways. And, right now, it was only in the worst way.

Yet I couldn’t stop myself from giving it as good as I got it.

I didn’t know what it was about him that brought this out in me. I wasn’t this argumentative with my friends. Heidi, Emery, and I could go a whole night without a single argument. But, man, when I saw Austin, a switch flipped in my brain.

And I knew that when I’d followed him outside, when I’d driven the truck up the cliff side, when I’d parked overlooking the canyon to watch the sunset. I’d inherently known all of those things were a bad idea and, in some ways, romantic, yet I couldn’t stop myself from stepping into the stupid situation with him.

It made me angrier that I’d let him have this power. That I’d let any man have this power ever again.

I’d told Heidi once that I was the kind of girl who attracted bad, bad boys. They couldn’t help themselves. It was as if the tattoos and bright hair and nose ring were a blinking arrow pointed straight at my heart.

Then, even when I’d tried for the nice guy, when I’d tried to make it work with the Trevors of the world, I always came back to the bad boys. The ones who followed the blinking arrow and decided it now belonged to them. The ones who staked claim and fought and bit and fucked like animals. The ones who reminded me to live by bringing me so close to death. Adrenaline and fire and toxicity wrapped in a pretty, smiling package of wrong.

The truck skidded to a halt in front of the lake house. I killed the engine and hopped out of the cab. Patrick was standing at the front door when I tromped up. He leaned his shoulder into the door and seemed to be fighting a smile.

“Quick trip?” he asked.

I tossed the keys at him. He caught them easily.

“You should probably go get your boy.”

Patrick tilted his head, as if he couldn’t believe what I’d just said. “He’s not in the truck?”

“Does it look like he is?” I countered.

Then, he doubled over and laughed so hard that he had to wipe tears out of his eyes. His shoulders shook, and his smile was magnetic.

“Oh, man. Fuck. I needed that.” He shook his head. “You actually left him somewhere?”

“Left who? Where?” Heidi asked, striding out the front door. She gave me an innocent look, as if she weren’t aware that I’d left somewhere with Austin.

“Austin,” Patrick said.

“Somewhere called Make-Out Point,” I told them.

Heidi’s jaw dropped open. “He didn’t.”

“Oh, he did,” I said.

“I guess I’d better go get him,” Patrick said with a shake of his head. “Idiot.”

“You can say that again.”

Then, I brushed past him and into the lake house. I’d picked out my room earlier after Austin dragged me into the lake. Apparently, I was sharing a room with Morgan because everyone, except Austin and Patrick, were paired up. That was fine by me. Better to be with Morgan than someone assuming I should be with Austin.

Heidi followed me into the back room and flopped down on the bed. “Want to talk about it?”

“No,” I told her as I grabbed my sweatshirt.

“This was a mistake. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“This is not your fault. This is Austin fucking Wright thinking that, just because I’m single, I want to fuck him.”

“Do you?” Heidi asked.

I whirled on her, tugging the sweatshirt down over my head, and glared. “No!”

“Not even a little?”

I blew out a breath and released it. I wasn’t angry with Heidi. I didn’t need to snap at her. It was Austin who was irritating me.

I took the seat next to her with a sigh. “Maybe a little.”

“Yeah. You two have this…thing.”

“What thing?”

Heidi shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s like the air gets thicker when you two are together.”

“The air gets thicker?”

“You know what I mean.” She nudged me with her shoulder. “You two have chemistry. It’s hard to ignore. But that doesn’t mean he’s for you if you don’t want that chemistry.”

“I want…” I trailed off.

What the hell did I want?

“Nice and normal?” Heidi offered.

“Like that worked out last time.”

“You’ll find someone. I promise.”

I lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. “I told him I wanted Patrick.”

Heidi laughed and slapped my shoulder. “Now, that’s just mean.”

“I wanted to be mean.”

“How did he react?”

“He acted like he didn’t care. He acts like that about everything.”

Heidi sighed. “Are you ever going to tell me the real reason you two broke up?”

“Look, I already told you,” I said, averting my eyes. “He used me and then dumped me. I don’t want to go back to a guy who did that to me. I don’t ever want to be used. I really don’t ever want a guy who makes me feel like Austin does.”

“Isn’t that half the fun?”

“Sure,” I grumbled, picking at the comforter. “It’s loads of fun. And then reality sets in. Austin is like taking a hit of cocaine and riding out the high. You feel fucking fabulous while you’re on it, but then you hit rock bottom. And it fucking sucks.”