Thirty

Julia

I didn’t know how long I’d sat on the floor and cried.

By the time I found the strength to get up, I had seventeen missed calls from Heidi, Emery, Landon, and Patrick. Not one from Austin. My mind immediately went to the worst. Maybe I’d left him dead on the pavement. I hadn’t looked. I hadn’t checked. I’d just walked away.

I called Heidi back first, holding the phone in one hand and my gun in the other. This little hunk of metal had saved me from a fate worse than death. I wasn’t about to let it go anytime soon.

“Julia!” Heidi nearly screamed into the phone. “Oh my God, Julia!”

“How’s Austin?” I asked.

“He’s fine, Jules. Are you okay? Where are you? Where did that psycho take you?”

My heart restarted. Austin is fine. He isn’t dead.

“I’m at home. I’m okay.”

No. No, I’m not. I was about as far from okay as I’d ever been. And that was saying something.

“Oh my God. Okay.” I heard Heidi turn away from the phone and repeat what I’d said. “Em and I are going to come get you. The guys are giving statements to the cops about Dillon-slash-Evan, trying to give them information to find him. Austin has to finish up with the EMT, and then he’ll come over, too—”

“No,” I said abruptly. “No, uh, tell him not to come over.”

“Julia, there’s no way in hell I can tell him that,” Heidi said with a sigh. “He’s totally messed up. His face looks like he got hit by a train or some shit. I think he has a concussion and maybe some broken ribs. I don’t know.”

“Fuck,” I whispered.

“But he doesn’t give a shit about himself. All he’s been talking about since he regained consciousness is you. His phone died or broke or something, so he couldn’t even call you. The fact that we’re going to see you before him is going to be hard enough. I know I won’t be able to convince him to stay away.”

I sank into the couch. Of course she was right.

“All right. I’ll just…be here.”

“Oh no, do not get off the phone with me.”

“I need to call the police,” I told her.

“Emery is already on it. She called 911 when I told her where you were. The cops are going to meet us at your place.”

“Oh,” I whispered. Is this what it’s like to have people take care of you?

“Just stay on the phone with me, okay? This whole thing scared the shit out of me. I want to know you’re safe.”

And I never would be again. The last two years had been an illusion anyway. I’d never been safe from Dillon. I never would be.

We stayed on the phone until Heidi and Emery showed up at my apartment. Even though I knew they were outside and I’d just hung up with Heidi, I still startled at the knock on the front door. My heart beat through my chest. I felt like I was going to be sick. It could be Dillon. I knew it wasn’t…but it could be.

“Julia,” Heidi called, “you can let us in.”

“It’s all right. We’re here to help,” Emery said.

I took a deep breath, turned the locks, and then opened the door. My girls stood there with terror in their eyes.

“Oh, Julia,” Heidi whispered when she took in my appearance.

“You have a gun,” Emery noted.

“Why are you holding a gun?” Heidi asked.

I glanced down at the gun in my hand. It felt nice. Weighted and secure. Even with the barrel pointing toward the ground.

“Maybe you should hand that to me,” Emery said.

Emery stepped forward and gently extracted the gun from my hand. I felt empty without it. Like I needed the feel of it in my palm again. It was my new security blanket.

“Julia,” Heidi said, “why don’t we go sit down as we wait for the cops?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Sure.”

Heidi wrapped an arm around my shoulders and eased me back into the living room. Emery carefully popped out the magazine and set it down on the table. This was not the first time she’d done that.

“Can you trash the flowers?” I asked.

Emery gave me a curious look and then did as I’d asked. I hadn’t been able to touch them. But I was glad they were gone.

She came to sit next to me.

“Do you want to tell us what happened?” Heidi asked.

“I’d really like to tell it only once. So…can we wait until the cops show up?”

“Sure,” Emery said. “Just…take a few deep breaths.”

“Do you need anything? Water? A change of clothes?”

I shook my head, and we sat in silence with just their presence working to pull some of the tension out of me.

The cops showed up a few minutes later. It was a tall female cop with cropped brown hair and an overly muscled guy whose eyes swept the apartment, as if expecting Dillon to pop out at any second.

“Hello, I’m Officer Matthews,” the woman said. “This is my partner, Officer Curtis. We came over about a complaint of an assault and a kidnapping of Miss Julia Banner.”

“That’s me,” I said, concentrating entirely on Officer Matthews.

“Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

“Okay,” I said. Then, I started from the beginning. The very beginning.

The cops took some notes and asked some questions along the way. Heidi and Emery gasped in all the right places. I had to show them the gun and where I’d fired the warning shot. They took pictures of everything and collected the shell.

Officer Curtis went back to the police car while Officer Matthews inspected my place. We were almost through with everything when another car pulled up in front of my apartment.

We all waited apprehensively. I ached for the gun once more. I might have finally told them the whole story, but that didn’t mean they understood. Then, Landon appeared, helping Austin through the doorway.

My stomach sank when I took in Austin’s appearance. His face was battered, almost beyond recognition. He had a tender split lip, and one of his eyes had already started to swell closed. His hand held his side. Broken ribs, Heidi had said. He looked…horrible. Dillon had done this. I wanted to cry.

“Jules,” he said, reaching for me. He tugged me into a hug, groaning at the impact. “You’re safe. Oh, fuck, you’re safe.”

I carefully wrapped my arms around his waist. I breathed him in and brought all of his warmth against me. I knew it would be the last time, and I wanted to remember the way I perfectly fit into him.

Then, I took a step back and dropped my arms.

“And you are?” Officer Matthews asked before I could say anything.

“Austin Wright.”

“And you were the one assaulted?”

Austin pointed to his face. “What do you think?”

I frowned. Not the time to joke. “Yes, he was.”

“I was cleared by an EMT and another officer already,” Austin said. His eyes darted to me. “Or else I would have already been here.”

Officer Curtis came back inside then. “Looks like this Dillon Jenkins has a warrant. He skipped his parole in Ohio and has been missing for a few weeks now. This is the first tip to his location.”

Officer Matthews nodded. “We’re going to get you an emergency protection order in place against Dillon. We recommend you take it in and file for a more permanent restraining order against him. We’re going to do everything we can to find him and stop this from ever happening again. It would be in your best interest if you stayed with a friend for a while. Also, you’ll need to keep us informed if anything else happens.”

When the cops finally left, the room felt much too small for all the people in my apartment.

“Can I stay with you?” I asked Heidi.

Her eyes widened in surprise, but she nodded. “Of course. You’re welcome anytime.”

“Jules,” Austin said.

“Do you think we could talk?” I asked, glancing around at my friends. “Alone?”

Everyone made a hasty departure, leaving me alone in the apartment with Austin. Standing here made me feel horribly exposed. I hated this place. I would be happy if it burned to the ground.

“Jules, about what happened,” Austin said, stepping forward.

I held my hand out and tried not to break down in front of him. “Please, don’t.”

“I feel like an idiot. He got into my friend circle. I thought…I thought he was my friend. I never expected any of this to happen.”

“I know. Dillon is a master manipulator. I should have been paying more attention. I should have known he was out on parole and that he’d come for me. I thought I was safe. That the name change and the huge move would be enough. But I was wrong.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“It is my fault,” I said, looking up into his face. His beaten, bruised, swollen face. “All of this is my fault.”

“This is Dillon’s fault. Not yours. He did this, Julia.”

“I brought him here. I let my guard down. I thought I could live a normal life, Austin…and I just can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” he tried to assure me. He took a step forward.

I shuddered and pulled away. All the anger welled up inside me. All the things I’d learned about Austin. Everything he’d been keeping from me. I couldn’t do this.

“Don’t touch me,” I said, my voice low.

“Jules,” he groaned. But he was still drunk. He’d still be drunk for a while. “Don’t pull back from me. Don’t let him win.”

“It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about what I can handle. And, right now, I can’t handle this.”

“This?” he said hollowly.

“Us,” I corrected.

“Are you breaking up with me?”

I looked him square in the eyes and saw the man I’d fallen so desperately for. The man who I’d needed today. And he hadn’t been there. He had lied—to me, his family, to himself. I couldn’t be with a man like that.

“Yes,” I finally said.

“Julia, I know you’re upset with me about the drinking. I know I shouldn’t have done it. But I am not stepping back from you because of your past.”

“No, you’re not physically stepping back from me,” I said, raising my voice. “You just emotionally abuse everyone around you. My past is my past. But what we’re fucking dealing with, Austin, is your present! Your argument is that, because you know now that you shouldn’t have done it, I should roll over and ignore the bullshit.”

“Jules—”

“Don’t call me that!” I shrieked. “Didn’t you hear him call me that? Don’t you understand why I can’t hear it?”

Austin cringed. “I know. Fuck!”

He ran a hand back through his hair. It was hard for me to even look at his face.

“I don’t want to lose you over this.”

“You don’t get a say,” I told him.

“I damn well do!”

I winced at his raised voice and wrapped my arms around my body. In that moment, I felt like a victim again. I’d managed to stand up to Dillon, and Austin was freaking out on me now. No, I couldn’t do it.

“Fuck,” he groaned, turning away from me and pacing. “I’m sorry. Please, tell me what happened. Tell me how I can fix this.”

“You can’t.” I shook my head and stared off into my bedroom where the remnants of the bullet I’d fired still remained in the carpet.

“I can,” he insisted.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said. “I’ve made my decision. Now, get out of my apartment.”

“No. Watching you walk away with him was the most terrifying moment of my life,” Austin said. “I can’t let that be the end of us.”

I straightened at his declaration. “You didn’t hear what the fuck happened here, Austin. But I had to back Dillon out of my apartment with a gun. So, don’t stand there and fucking tell me that you won’t leave when I tell you to.” I shook my head and crossed my arms. “You fucked up. You stayed at your ex’s place, hid your alcohol use, and then went on a bender. Actions have consequences. And, right now, they prove to me that I was delusional for thinking you were serious about us.”

He stammered over his words as shock registered.

But I couldn’t stop. He didn’t understand. He didn’t get what had happened to me.

“Dillon might be a piece of shit, but even he told the truth, and you didn’t. It proves that I can’t rely on anyone else. You were drunk, and you couldn’t help anyone, Austin. I helped myself. I can rely on just one person, and that’s me.”

It was always just me. And maybe a part of me wanted to hear Austin’s words, to give in to what he was offering, but the other part of me, the part screaming in my ear, was saying to back out. To take care of myself and save everyone else from equal misery.

“Julia, please…”

“I don’t know what I deserve in a relationship, but it isn’t this. It’s not a drunk or an addict or a liar. I can’t do this again. So, just…let me go.”

I brushed past Austin, on my way out the door. His hand reached out to touch me, to stop me, but he let it drop.

I’d accomplished what I had to do. I just wished I didn’t hate myself so much for doing it.