Thirty-Four

Julia

“I have looked at seven thousand new apartments today, and I hate them all.” I pushed my computer back and slumped into the couch.

“You’ll find the one,” Heidi assured me. “What about this one?” She pointed to the last one I’d looked at.

It was on the first floor with a security plan and a fence with code access to get inside and, and, and…

All the features I wanted. Yet none of them fit.

“No, I don’t like it.”

“Well, you don’t have to get a new place right away.”

“I don’t want to impose,” I said at once.

“You’re not imposing. We have plenty of house, and it’s no trouble at all.”

I still felt bad. Even though it hadn’t been very long since everything went down. It didn’t help that I couldn’t seem to sleep. Not without nightmares jolting me out of bed in a cold sweat. I was exhausted and had no energy. I wanted this all to be over.

Heidi seemed to notice that. “Let’s look more tomorrow. We should relax until Landon gets up. He really likes his beauty sleep.”

I shot her an appreciative smile. “That sounds good.”

“I could make us omelets. Landon is the better cook, but eggs, I can do.”

“Sure.”

I’d go for anything that didn’t involve people looking at me with pity. I knew I was pitiful. I didn’t need to see it when everyone looked at me. I might have saved my own life, but I still felt like the victim. And it didn’t help that everyone was treating me like one.

“Great!” Heidi hopped up and started getting things out for the omelet.

I grabbed my computer again and flicked through a few more apartments. Not that anything was jumping out at me.

The doorbell rang. My head popped up, and I stared at Heidi with frightened eyes. Fuck, even the doorbell was freaking me out.

“Don’t worry. I got it,” Heidi said. She went to the door and pulled it open. “Austin, what a surprise.”

“Hey, Heidi. Is Julia still here?”

“She is.”

“Can I talk to her? It’ll only be a minute.”

Heidi’s head swiveled back to me. “Julia?”

I breathed in deeply and then stood. Man, I was not looking forward to this again. I didn’t care how persistent Austin was; I wasn’t about to change my mind. Not with things the way they were.

“It’s fine,” I told Heidi.

She nodded and brushed my shoulder as she went back into the kitchen.

“Let’s go outside,” I suggested.

“Okay. But it’s not going to take long. Jensen is waiting for me.”

He pointed his thumb over his shoulder, and I saw Jensen’s giant truck idling on the street. Strange.

“Still having trouble driving?” I asked as we stepped outside.

“No. I’m leaving.”

My head snapped up to him. “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah. Jensen is taking me to rehab. I’m going to be gone for the next three months at an inpatient facility. Jensen set it all up. But I wanted to see you. I, uh…” He glanced off for a second, as if arguing with himself. “I wanted to tell you some stuff before I went.”

“Okay,” I said hesitantly. “You’re…you’re really going to rehab?” I couldn’t keep the disbelief from my voice.

Austin had rejected the idea of getting professional help from the start. He’d never thought it would be helpful or that he needed it or that he even had a problem. He’d just done whatever he wanted, never really improving. It was almost too good to be true to think that he was actually doing this.

“Yes, I am.” He gestured for us to sit on the outdoor furniture in front of Landon’s house. “Jensen didn’t even think that I should stop and talk to you before going, but I had to.”

“Even though we’re broken up?”

“Especially because we’re broken up.”

I didn’t know how to take that. “Well, I’m glad you’re going. I think it’s a really good idea. I hope it helps you.”

“Me, too. Because you were right.”

“About?”

“Everything.” He ran a hand back through his hair. “You and Jensen and my family and everyone. You all saw me for what I was and what I was doing to myself. I didn’t really realize until this morning. I’d thought I did, but I was fooling myself.”

“What made you see the light?”

He winced. “Just…hear me out.”

I braced myself because I had a feeling whatever he was about to say was not something I wanted to hear.

“What did you do?” I asked low, worried.

“I emptied the rest of the bottles in my house last night and mixed them with the pain pills I’d gotten from Noah. It was stupid, but I just…” He shook his head in frustration. “I defaulted to how I always acted. I was so fucking hurt. After I’d gotten the shit beat out of me, you broke up with me. Just abandoned me.”

“Austin—”

“No, no, I’m not mad at you. Well, not anymore. I get your reasons. I get why you did it. I get why you don’t trust me. I don’t trust me.” He looked like he wanted to reach out for me, but he didn’t. “I wanted to go back to not feeling. I didn’t know how to feel this intensely. I didn’t know how to react to what I felt without finding the bottle.” He shrugged and glanced off. “But that isn’t why I’m here. I’m just…fuck, I really want to avoid this conversation.”

Tension vibrated through every muscle as I waited for the news, and I didn’t even know what it was. “Tell me.”

“When I got drunk, I invited Maggie over.”

I froze and stopped breathing. “Wow.”

“Julia—”

I shook my head and stood up. “Go fuck yourself, Austin.”

“No, no, no,” he said, running ahead of me to block my path.

“Get out of my fucking way. You don’t get to come here and throw that bullshit at me.”

“I’m not,” he insisted. “I didn’t sleep with her.”

“And you expect me to believe you? Again?”

“I’m not asking you to get back together with me, Julia. I’m not even asking you to forgive me. I hardly forgive myself for even inviting her over. I’m asking you to listen. You can call Maggie yourself if you want. Though you’re probably not her favorite person right now.”

“I’m not her favorite person?” I nearly shrieked.

All of that cool, calm I’d felt toward Austin shattered, and I was left reeling. What the fuck?

“No, you’re not. Because I invited her over. We…made out,” he said with another well-placed wince. “And I thought that being with her would make me forget you. But she was all wrong. Nothing could make me forget you. No one else could ever be you. I realized too late that you are perfect for me. Perfect for me in ways I hadn’t even known.”

“That doesn’t make up for what you did. We’d been broken up for a day!”

“I know, I know. It was stupid. I got wasted, like I always did, and did shit that I had done back when I was so fucked up all the time. But I didn’t sleep with Maggie. I feel bad enough that we even kissed. That I even thought that I’d be able to get you out of my head.” He reached for me but stopped before his hand met my arm. Then, he regretfully dropped it. “I told her to leave. I told her how I felt about you. That I never had feelings for her. That I’d never have feelings for her, and all of this was a mistake. I wasn’t particularly eloquent, as I was drunk off my ass.”

“I don’t even know why you came here to tell me this,” I said, seething. “Why you even bothered.”

“Because I wanted the truth out there. I didn’t want to hold out on telling you and you find out from someone else. For you to think the worst.”

“Too late,” I spat.

“Yeah, I deserve that,” he said. “You were right about me. And, when I woke up, hungover and alone, this morning, I realized that I had proven every fear you had about me right. That I was a drunk, lying addict.”

“Asshole,” I finished for him.

“That, too. You have every reason to hate me. I am all those things, and you deserve better than me.”

“So, you’re going to rehab to try to be the man I deserve?” I asked with a sarcastic bite to my voice.

We all knew how well that would fucking work.

“No, I fully understand that this might be the last time I see you. I don’t want to accept that, but I can eventually if that’s what you really want. But I’m going to rehab for me. To be the man I want to be…that I need to be.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. I wanted to believe every word he’d said. I hoped he had all the best intentions, but I’d been burned so many times. It was hard to stand there and hear him say the same bullshit I’d heard from my dad…from Dillon.

“So, I guess I’m going to go,” Austin said.

His eyes were so intent on mine that I couldn’t pull myself away even if I wanted to.

“I’ll be out of here for the next ninety days at least. Plenty of time for you to figure out if you want anything to do with me. But just don’t forget about me, okay?”

“Austin, I’m not giving you any promises.”

“I don’t want you to. I want you to know that you’re the most important thing in my life.” He took a step forward and dropped a soft kiss onto the top of my head. He sighed heavily. “I’m sorry I realized that too late.”

Then, he pulled away from me without a good-bye. It was as if he might never leave if he stayed another moment.

I watched Jensen’s truck barrel down the road, carrying Austin far, far away from here. I was shaken. I didn’t know where to start. Part of me was fucking furious that, after everything, he’d gone and gotten fucked up and then hooked up with Maggie. But the other part of me was just so happy he was going to get help. He needed it. He really fucking needed it.

Heidi’s head popped out of the front door. “Did he just leave?”

“Yeah,” I said distantly.

“Everything all right?”

I could see Landon standing behind her with a worried expression on his face.

“Jensen is taking him to rehab.”

“Oh, wow,” Heidi said.

“Are you serious?” Landon asked, coming fully out of the house now.

I nodded. “Yeah. Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Of course,” Landon said. “What’s up?”

“Will you get me Maggie’s number?”

He frowned. “Uh, why?”

“Because I need to make a very important phone call.”

I didn’t give two fucks if Maggie hated me. The feeling was mutual. But I wanted all the fucking facts about what had really happened. I wanted to hold on to my anger and not trust everything he’d said. It was easier than thinking that maybe, just maybe, Austin had realized his mistakes. Easier than thinking that we might have a shot at this if he really did get the help he needed.