I sure as fuck wasn’t expecting this to be so...comfortable and normal. I’m usually a bit awkward with people—and I still am today, don't get me wrong—but I don't feel the nervous energy I thought I would. I'm able to relax somewhat and just be my usual awkward self. At least around the women.

“So, do you want to be a writer?” Elle asks me. She’s Vince’s wife. Her voice is soft like you’d think it would be after taking one look at her since she’s sweet and petite. Vince isn’t. He looks scary as fuck. All the men are intimidating. I’m super fucking happy to be in a room with just the girls.

Being around the men is different. I felt like a sheep brought to the slaughter. I couldn't stop trying to determine which position in the mafia each man had. I couldn’t even breathe for the first few minutes. So many fucking flashbacks made me feel like I was drowning. But this is nothing like what I experienced with the Cassanos.

Lorenzo would start talking about things with the other members of his familia anywhere, and then look at me like I shouldn’t have been there. Like it was my fault. It happened a few times, and then they started doing it on purpose and blocking me from leaving. They liked scaring me and taunting me by calling me the meek mouse. I never felt safe, and they said that was a good thing. Lorenzo said it was good to be afraid. And I was. They made damn sure to keep me afraid.

I stayed with Lorenzo far too long because of that fear and then...well, by the time I had the courage to leave, that’s when I actually saw shit. Shit that changed my life forever. I shake my head and try to forget. I don’t want to go there in that headspace. Not now.

It’s not like that here though with the Valettis. Everything is lighthearted. It took me a while to even want to eat, but when I did it seemed to help. I just kept something at my mouth the entire night hoping no one would talk to me. It’s odd how I still felt included in conversations even though I only really ever smiled and nodded. It felt nice though. It’s been a long time since I’ve even talked to anyone. I’ve been too afraid. Back when I was in hiding, I had the ridiculous idea that the very first person I talked to would somehow know the Cassanos and they would tell them where I was.

But that doesn’t matter anymore. I have Anthony now. I’ve never felt more safe in my entire life than I do tonight. It’s the first time I’ve felt like I could fit in, like I could have a family again. And I want it. I haven’t wanted for anything in so long. But I want this.

The kids are all in bed now and the men are in the dining room. Anthony left me alone with the wives. I start to answer Elle’s question, but hear a crash of toys from the living room. His aunt, Linda I think, is straightening everything up. I feel weird sitting here not helping. Even though it’s not my mess.

“Should we--” I start to ask.

“No,” Becca answers before I can finish. She’s a bit older than me and she’s a no-nonsense kind of person. “Trust me,” she places a hand on my forearm, “she will not let you help.”

“Okay.” I draw out the word and the girls all laugh. It forces a smile from me. I can’t help it. I feel included. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that. My mom was everyone to me. She was my best friend. When she died, I had no one else. It feels good to feel like I belong here. Even though I don’t.

“So do you want to write? Or do you just do the columns and blog thing?” Elle asks again and I know she’s genuinely interested. She's been asking me questions ever since Anthony told them that I work in romance literature. I literally laughed when he said it like that. Romance literature. I love smut. That’s my genre. Smutty smut smut. I shut the fuck up real quick when he gave me that look though. I’m still a little worried about that look. It could be a good thing though.

“I think I’d like to,” I start to answer, but I hear Anthony yell something. We all look to the doorway to the kitchen. But none of the women stand up. Elle grabs my wrist as I start to walk toward him, but I shake her off.

“Don’t,” I hear her whisper, but I ignore her. The women stand up, but they don’t stop me. I know they’re right and I should stay away. But something deep down is telling me Anthony needs me. I need to be there for him.

I walk into the kitchen in a daze and see Vince and Anthony yelling at each other. Their hair is a mess and they’re both breathing hard. Vince has the start of a bruise showing on his face. Anthony doesn’t see me as he says, “She’s as close to a wife as I’ll ever have.” It soothes my soul to hear those words coming from him. But then my heart shatters as I realize what’s happening.

“Until you kill her.” Vince’s words ring out clearly, and I hear them repeated in my head. Over and over. Kill her. Anthony finally sees me and I expect to see something in his eyes that proves to me that Vince didn’t mean that. That there’s no truth there. But it is true. I can barely breathe. I feel him take my hand in his and squeeze, but I don't return the gesture.

People move around us as he leads me away. It’s as though I’m watching this scene play out from a distance.

“We’re leaving.” I barely register Anthony’s words as he leads me away. What just happened? Until you kill her. No. I shake my head. No, it’s not true. But he said it with such conviction. And didn’t I always think he would? Didn’t I know this would happen? I should have run. A small voice whispers inside of me. Weak, you’re so fucking weak.

“You said they didn’t know.” I barely speak the words as Anthony leads me to the car. I have to keep blinking to focus. I feel lost and confused. That didn’t just happen. It couldn’t have. Everything was perfect. It was perfect. It was fake.

“Vince was the only one.” Was. But now they all know.

I remember the look in Vince’s eyes and everything changes. My world tilts on its side and my vision blurs with my tears. Vince isn’t a forgiving man. He wants me dead, just like the Cassanos. I don’t belong here. I watch Anthony as we drive away and the same cold, impassive look he had when I first met him is on his face.

In this moment I don’t know why Anthony brought me here, but I do know two things for certain. The first is that Anthony lied to me. And the only other thing I know is that the Valettis want me dead.