I know when I let go, I’ll never hold her again. She’s lying still in my arms, thinking the same, I’m sure.

So I don’t move. I pretend there’s no reason for her to leave my embrace. That there’s nothing waiting for either of us beyond these walls.

But I’m weak. I’m the weaker of the two of us, because she’s the first to speak.

“Thank you,” she murmurs without looking at me. She’s thanking me, like I did her a favor. Like she didn’t feel that. She didn’t feel the same emotions I felt between us. I rest my head just above hers on the pillow.

“Don’t thank me. Don’t degrade what just happened like that.” The words come out harsher than I intended.

Her shoulders turn inward like she’s cowering from my hard words. I wanna tell her I love her. But it’ll only make it harder. After a minute, she molds her body against me again and relaxes in my embrace. I kiss her hair, and just as I lose my resolve and decide I should risk it all and tell her, I hear my front door open.

My blood turns to ice. I move quickly to get to the other side of Tonya, to block her from whoever just came into my place uninvited. A million possibilities race through my mind. It could be the cops coming to get me for something, a rival prick trying to prove he’s tougher than me. For all I know, I could be on someone’s hit list. I open my drawer for my gun. But then I hear Anthony’s voice as he calls out, “Tommy! Where are you, bro?” My heart only races faster as I look between Tonya and the closed bedroom door.

“Wait here,” I whisper to Tonya as she stares at the closed door with fear.

“Coming!” I yell out to him before leaning down and kissing her.

“Yo! We gotta talk!” I hear Anthony yell, and I resist the urge to hold her longer and finally back away.

I grab my pants and shove them on as quick as I can. I can't let him back here. I can't let him see her.

By the time I get to my living room, I’m pissed and aggravated. And worried. I breathe out slowly as I see Anthony going through the liquor cabinet. He turns to face me with two glasses in one hand, and a bottle of scotch in the other.

“What’s wrong? You’re all good now. Why the fuck do you look like that?” Anthony’s pissing me off, but it’s not his fault. I gotta calm down, but I can’t. My heart’s banging in my chest with the fear that shit’s about to get real.

“I’m fine. What’s up?” I ask him flatly.

“You don’t look fine,” he says.

I exhale heavily and think of a way to get him out of here.

“We gotta talk about Judge Steckel. He wants his--”

I’m quick to cut him off. I know she can hear, and this shit cannot fucking happen right now. “Not now, I can’t talk now.”

He looks at me like I’m fucked in the head. And he’s right, too, 'cause I am fucked.

“You can’t talk to me?” he asks.

“Not at the moment.” His eyes fly to the bedroom.

He looks confused for a moment, and then it hits him. “Are you serious, she’s back there?” His arms lower and he almost drops everything in his hands. “You've gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Tonya must’ve heard him because she comes out, pulling her shirt down and looking all sorts of pissed and upset.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Tommy.” Anthony sneers his words and moves to the other side of the room while she walks to the door. He intentionally turns his back to her, snubbing her, and it’s the last straw.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Don’t treat her like that!” I grab his shoulder and turn him around to face me while Tonya walks past us.

“Like what? Like a cop?” He raises his voice with disgust as I hear the door open.

“You’re a fucking prick.” I turn away from him. I have nothing to say, and I need to get to Tonya before she leaves.

“Me?!” he yells with disbelief. He grabs my arm to stop me from going to her and I turn around and swing. I don’t hold back and hit him square in the jaw.

His back hits the wall and leaves a dent in the drywall from his right shoulder and head. He winces from the pain and cradles his chin. I feel regret for only a second. But he crossed the line.

He looks up at me with raw anger in his eyes. He spits blood onto my floor and rights himself. I face him, waiting for his response, waiting for something.

He flexes his jaw and avoids eye contact. “I have to tell him,” he finally says with a hard look. His eyes flash with pity, anger, and betrayal.

“You know I’m not saying shit to her.” My heart beats wildly in my chest.

“I can’t fucking believe this, Tommy. What have you done?” His voice cracks on the last word.

“I just wanted her.” That's all this is. We just wanted each other. We fit together in some crazy, fucked up way.

“You wanna get laid, you go to the strip joint.” He looks at me with a pained expression. “You had to settle on a cop?”

“It didn’t happen like that.” He doesn't understand.

“Fuck, Tommy.” He leans back against the wall as I look to the door.

“I have to go get her,” I tell him, feeling like I’m stabbing him in the back.

“How could you even think it’s gonna be alright?” he asks.

“It’s not, I know it’s not. It’s over, she just needed me.”

He snorts a laugh as he sarcastically says, “Yeah, I’m sure she needed you.”

“One warning, Anthony.” I walk toward him and hold his stare. “Don’t talk about her like that.”

He holds my gaze for a moment, neither one of us backing down. And then I break it and grab my keys.

“Tommy, just think about what you’re doing,” he calls out after me.

I look back at him over my shoulder, with my hand on the doorknob.

I’m betraying the familia. I’m risking everything. But I can’t let it end like this.

* * *

I hit the gas pedal on the way to her place. She got a head start, but I wanna get there before she has a chance to think too much. If Anthony hadn’t barged in there, I don’t know what would’ve happened, but something was happening. I know we need to end this. But I don’t want to hurt her. She said she needed me, and I owe it to her to at least make sure she’s okay.

As I pull in front of her place, I see her car and she’s sitting in it, with her head down. Her hands are covering her face, and her shoulders are shaking. She’s crying. The realization makes my heart sink.

I pull in a few cars down and quickly make my way to her as she opens her door. She stands up and goes still when she sees me. Her face is red, and her eyes are swollen. I don’t waste any time pulling her into my chest and hugging her. At first she’s tense and stiff in my arms, but I know she’ll relax. What we have between us is fucked up, but I know I make her feel good. Just like she does for me.

She molds to me and I don't hold back, leaving little kisses on her cheek and neck and shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her. I don’t know what else to say.

She shakes her head and sadly says, “Don’t be.” She wipes under her eyes and pulls away from me. “You were right to end it. This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t have come to you.”

She pushes away slightly, and I almost let her, but instead I tighten my grip on her.

“One more night, Tonya. Just one night more.”

She stares at me with longing in her eyes before saying, “When I wake up, Tommy, you can’t be there.” The finality is evident in her voice. Her hand cups my chin, and her eyes water. I nod my head and kiss the palm of her hand and lean into her touch. It hurts like a bitch, but I answer her, “I know. I’ll be gone.”