“I said I’m sorry, Elle.”

I hear my mom’s voice, but I ignore her as I look through the bills again. I can’t fucking believe this.

“I can’t afford this!” I yell, interrupting whatever she was about to say. I'm sitting at my desk chair, and I finally turn to look at her. She’s pale and gaunt looking. She hasn’t taken care of herself. Not recently. Not ever. And it’s noticeable. Her blonde hair is pulled tight into a ponytail which makes her skin look even more wrinkled and her face more sunken in. I don’t even recognize her.

“Of course you can. They wouldn’t let me take out the loans if you couldn’t afford them.”

“No! I can’t!” I can’t help the anger heating my blood. I’m going to have to drop out of school. There’s no way I can afford to live on a grad student’s wage and only work part-time in the lab in order to pay this shit off. My heart sinks in my chest. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to do this.

“How many more?” I ask her. She’s done this shit before. I know she’s hiding some. Ones that she isn’t that overdue on.

“Those are the only ones with your name on them.” Her eyes widen as she puts her hand over her heart. Her voice lowers as she cries. “I only did it because I had to.”

“You didn’t have to do it!” I’m still angry and still screaming, and that’s not what she expects. I can’t help it though. It’s so true. “You don’t have to make my life hell.”

She shakes her head and starts to speak, but I stop her.

“Don’t! Don’t you dare. I’m going to have to quit school now. You know that?” Oddly enough though, quitting school seems like more a relief than anything else.

“You have to know I didn’t mean for this to happen. I promise you, Elle. I’m going to fix this. I kicked him out. I did. It was stupid of me. I’m going to my AA meetings, I swear!”

Her eyes plead with me to forgive her as her hands clasp in front of her and tears fall down her face. It melts my anger and just makes me sad. I feel pathetic believing her, but I really do. I can help her. I know I can.

“I’ll figure this out, Mom.”

She practically runs to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, crying as she says thank you and sorry over and over again. I pat her back and try to comfort her until I can send her away.

I stare at the closed door and feel sick to my stomach. She hasn’t paid a single dime on the mortgage. So there’s a couple grand that I owe there. But what’s even worse are the credit cards. Cash withdrawals of thousands of dollars at 22%. I’ll consolidate. I don’t know who’s going to give me a loan for that amount. But I’ll find a way. I sift through the papers and mentally calculate what I need. A little over 26k in total. My heart sinks. I made 22k a year at my old college, and a measly 14k being the night shift part-timer in the lab. I have nothing saved up because of her last “situation”. And I make 26k at this university and haven’t found a job here yet.

My head falls into my hands. There’s just no way. I don’t see how anyone would loan me the money.

I’ll try. The least I can do is try. I stand up from the desk and breathe in deep. I’m not going to cry because that accomplishes nothing.

I take one step and wince. I can still feel him inside of me. I feel raw and sore, but I love it. It’s a strange feeling, finally giving myself to someone.

I shake my head and sigh as I lay down on the bed. It’s not even made. All my stuff is still in moving boxes, along with my sheets. I don’t have much. But it’ll feel better once this room looks like my old bedroom.

I close my eyes and remember his hands on me. The heated looks he gave me as he fucked me. I moan and clench my thighs, loving the soreness. I want him again and again. I loved the way he fucked me. I’ve really been missing out.

I pop up and and dig in my purse for the birth control pills. It’s a few hours late, but it’ll be alright. I bite the inside of my cheek. Maybe I should get the morning after pill too. I feel my cheeks flame and I start feeling … dirty. I don’t like the tightness in my chest. I wanted the whole experience and I got it. Maybe I’m naïve or stupid. I don’t know, maybe I’m a slut for wanting that. I swallow the lump in my throat and grab my bottle of water to swallow down the pill. It doesn’t matter now. I got what I wanted.

My heart hurts. I don’t know what to think. One moment he’s noncommittal, the next he’s kissing me like he needs the air in my lungs to breathe.

I understand it probably seemed like a hookup last night, but I can’t help wanting more.

I roll my eyes. Of course I’m being a clingy bitch. No man wants that. And that’s not what this was. It may have felt like more to me, but I’m sure that’s only because he was my first. I wonder if I told him that last night. I’m too embarrassed to ask. I pick up my phone and scroll through the contacts. Before we left he called himself from my phone so he’d have my number. I like that. I like how in charge he is. My eyes widen as I look at the screen and see it light up with a text from him.

Shit! I didn’t press send or anything, did I? I stare at it for a moment trying to figure out what the hell I did before I realize he’s the one who sent me a text. My heart beats rapidly and I find my body heating with nerves.

What the hell? I feel like I’m in high school again. I calm my nerves and realize the reason he's texting is just that I've left one of my textbooks back at his place.

That was stupid of me. Also… I’m gonna need that so I can sell it. These books aren’t cheap.

As I’m debating how to reply, another text comes through:

Meet me at my parents' house, it’s closer to you and I’ll be there tonight at 5.

The text is followed up with an address. I wonder if I should wait a few minutes before responding, but I’m pretty sure he can see that I’ve read them anyway. I cringe. I wonder if that looks clingy. I don’t want to look that way. I wanna seem laid-back. Eh. Whatever. I shrug my shoulder and send a reply.

Thanks. I’ll see you then.

And thanks for the orgasms this morning. May I have another? I laugh at my inner thought. I am not sending that, although it’s exactly what I want to say. He’s sweet and funny. And fucks my body like it was made for his dick. My thighs clench again.

Damn, one time and I’m a sex addict. I put down my phone and sit up, ready to get my mind on something else. But then I remember the shit my mother left me saddled with, and my heart sinks. I bite the inside of my cheek. I need to get my ass up and go look for a job. Make that jobs. One for myself, and one fit for a recovering alcoholic. I’m not going to waste my life taking care of her. She needs to get her shit in order. I nod my head with anger as I pull my laptop from my bag and open it up on the desk.

Everything’s going to be just fine. Even as I think the words and try to believe them, something deep in my gut is telling me it’s a lie.