I stare at the folders on my desk, and then back up at the computer screen. I have a ton of shit to update. I need to put all this information in the system, but I keep fucking up. I have to do this right, but my head’s not in it. I just can’t think straight. I’m exhausted from the last two days on the job. I’m miserable.

It’s not that the work is any harder, it’s just not what I want to do.

I’m on cases that mean nothing to me. I’m getting spit on and kicked while I arrest assholes I don’t give a shit about. I feel beat up and abused. I know this is the right thing to do and people do appreciate it, even if I never hear it. But damn, this is hard. And it’s wearing me down.

I heard back from our contacts in France and Russia, still no sign of Petrov. He has to be dead.

I feel defeated more than anything. Like the finish line vanished before I could make it there.

“How’s it coming along?” Chris’ voice makes me jump in my seat. He laughs at me and pats my back. “You need more coffee.”

I smile weakly up at him. Chris has been a cop all his life. He’s gotta be in his fifties now, but he’s still smiling, and still kicking ass. I don’t know how he does it.

He’s not chasing a case or running toward the darkness. He deserves to be a cop. I don’t. I was using this position for my own selfish reasons. I feel like fraud.

“Yeah, for real.” I clear my throat and scoot back in my seat. “I’ll run out and grab one, you want anything?”

“Nah, I’m good,” he says. “Hey, I just wanna say, you’re doing good, kid. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Thanks.” I try to look him in the eyes, but I can’t.

“We can’t get ‘em all, and the Valettis are a big fish. It’ll go on their file, so we can use it next time. Trust me, there will be a next time.”

I look up at him with a deep crease of confusion marring my forehead. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh shit. I thought you were all bent out of shape because the prosecutor gave you the news.”

“No, Marcy didn’t tell me shit.”

“Fuck, she must’ve told Harrison. He didn’t tell you? He’s supposed to be taking you under his wing.”

I huff a humorless laugh. “No, he didn’t.”

“The judge ruled against us. We can't use the fingerprints." He shrugs and looks like he feels guilty for telling me. “There’s no case.” I don't answer. I don't know what to say.

“He really should’ve told you.”

A lump grows in my throat. Tommy’s off the hook.

He’s going to be okay. A weight lifts from my chest, but that only makes the pain I'm feeling there grow stronger.

“You okay?” Chris asks. I look at him for a moment. I see the kindness in his eyes, and I know I don’t deserve it.

“Yeah, I’m--”

“Kelly! We need to talk.” Harrison interrupts us, and I swear to God I’m gonna strangle him if he yells at me.

“Yeah, I’m all ears,” I say, not holding back the sarcasm.

“We lost our case, but I’m betting something’s gonna blow up in their faces soon. We just gotta stay the course.”

I’m surprised by his tone. It’s not condescending or full of anger. He’s almost excited.

“Why do you think it’s going to blow back on them?”

“You can’t fuck over a Kingpin and not get dealt with.”

“I imagine Petrov is dead,” I say flatly. It kills me to say it, but it's the truth.

“Possibly, but Nikolaev has taken over.” He says the words like Petrov was no one special. After a moment of quiet he adds, “There’s always going to be another one.”

My heart thuds once in my chest and stops. I try to push the words out, but I can’t hear them.

“You’ve got a lot to learn.” He grins at me. “We’re gonna get ‘em. I know we will. They’re getting sloppy, and soon enough, it’s gonna happen.” I’ve never seen him this happy and I don’t know how to handle him. Or all the emotions bombarding me.

He pats me on the back and turns to walk away. “I can feel it. It’s coming,” he says as he walks off.

I try to sit back down, but I can’t. I just need to get out of here. Something in my gut is telling me everything is wrong. And it’s all revolving around Tommy.

It’s been four days since I’ve seen him. I don’t understand. I thought he meant he’d see me later that night. But he never showed. I guess I was presumptuous. And then I got a message. A text from his cell. I only know because I looked up the number.

I'm sorry, Tonya. It's over. You were right.

He told me to stay away. It fucking hurt.

I know it was wrong. I knew we shouldn’t have done it. But still. It was nice to be held. I feel like I have nothing. I have no one. I need something. I need him right now. Whether he wants me or not. That's my selfish side coming through again. I wonder if I'll ever learn.

I take a deep breath and grab my jacket to get out of here. I walk over to Jerry's office, but stop before knocking. The door’s ajar, and I can hear him talking to his wife on the phone. I press my lips into a straight line as I listen to him lie to her about being on a job last night. I take a peek at him and see he’s still in his clothes from yesterday. My heart drops in my chest.

It hurts to think he’s cheating on her, but it’s so fucking obvious. I don’t ask to leave early, I just keep walking and try to ignore all this shit. My thoughts are running a mile a minute, about everything, and everyone. I thought I had shit all figured out, but I didn’t.

I don’t have anything figured out. I’m just lost. I’m so fucking lost.

I thought I knew how all of this would play out, but now what I wanted seems impossible.

I thought I knew what Tommy would be like before I ever met him. I read his profile and looked at the evidence. I had him painted in my head as an arrogant prick who thought he could get away with whatever he wanted. And then I met one of the women. The only one who was coherent. She said she saw Tommy. She heard gunshots and shouting, but she couldn’t move. She wasn’t sure if it was the drugs or the fear. She was in and out of it for a while, but one of them, one of the Valettis shot her up with something. She tried to make him stop, like the other times. But they said it was to make her better. To help save her. And it did. And Tommy was the one calming her down and telling her it would be okay.

My heart clenches in my chest. The line between black and white is so goddamned blurry. And at this point, I'm having a hard time knowing what's right and what's wrong.