It’s fucking silent in the car. Vince is next to me and he doesn’t like what I’m asking him to do. He’s either going to help me, or I’m doing it on my own.

“What do you mean, ‘for her’?” he asks with what seems like disbelief. I haven’t told anyone. Last night I made her stay with me. No fucking way was I going to let her go in the state she was in. I took off with her and didn’t leave her alone till just now. No one else knows and I want to keep it that way, but I know it’s going to get out.

“I mean, I need you to set her up with a place and a job.”

“You have a place.” He looks at me dumbfounded.

“I mean for her. Without me.” It fucking kills me to say the words. My heart hardens and my eyes narrow. I speak clearly and look him dead in the eyes. “I need eyes on her, Vince. She needs space, but that’s all she’s getting.”

“She’s leaving you?” he asks, and I want to knock him the fuck out. She thinks she’s leaving me. And I’ll let her think that until she’s feeling better.

Doubt creeps in on me. I’m the one who made her kill Felipe. I brought her to that massacre. Even worse. My stomach churns with sickness. I took advantage of her. I never should’ve touched her when she was so vulnerable.

I’d take it all back if I could. I fucking wish I could.

I don’t answer his question. I refuse to believe she’s really leaving me. “I need cameras in there, Vince.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Vince asks, with his anger coming right through. I know I need to tell him, but I don’t fucking want to. I don’t want him to think less of her. She just needs time to heal. I thought she was, though. What kind of asshole am I that I didn't know?

I’ll do everything I can to make it right. Starting with her getting her freedom back. Freedom away from me. I fucking pray she comes back to me. She just needs a little time.

“She’s not alright, Vince.” I run my hand through my hair and look up at our apartment. Fuck. She loves that apartment. I told her I’d go, and she could keep it. My heart feels like it’s breaking in two. She said she couldn’t stay there though, not with all the memories of the two of us together. She wants to erase me. She wants to forget it all. Including me and what we had together.

I push my bitch emotions down and give my full attention to Vince. “She’s not alright, she just needs some time to heal. She tried to hurt herself. I can’t let her go without knowing she’s okay.”

“What happened that set her off?” he asks, and I wish I had something with weight to tell him.

“Nothing.” I shake my head and I fucking hate the answer. “She said she’d just occasionally remember things and it hurt her. She said she wants to deal with it, and that I can’t be a part of it.” My bitch emotions come back as I remember her telling me I deserve better. Better than her? No fucking way. She’s it for me.

I’m a lucky bastard to have her. I’m not letting her go. I’d be a dumb fuck to do that. I’d be reckless to let her have space without watching her, too. I’m worried she’s going to hurt herself. I can’t let that happen.

“So you want eyes in the apartment?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I say, as I take another look up to our apartment. She’s sleeping now. My poor girl cried all night in my arms. I kept begging her for another chance or to think of another way that we could still stay together. It just made her cry harder.

The sick feeling in my stomach is the same one I had when I took out everyone I ever knew as family. It’s not a feeling of revenge, it’s a feeling of being utterly alone.

I remember thinking, it’ll be alright, when Vino set me up. I was wrong. It was a mistake. Vino was my best friend. We grew up together. We were so close, we were practically brothers. But he didn’t tell me to run, didn’t give me a heads-up. He’s the one who told me that my father and I were needed for the drop. I had this twisting hollowness in the pit of my gut that it was wrong. That everything was wrong, and it was going to end badly. But I ignored it. I couldn’t imagine Vino would set me up.

But he did.

And everything changed for the worse that day.

He was the first one I killed. I went straight to his house. He was there with his girl. He tried to play it off for her, like we needed bro time, but he knew what was going to happen before he even saw the gun I had pointed at him in my jacket.

I couldn’t look her in the face as she left. He didn’t even kiss her goodbye. I know he loved her, so maybe he thought it was better that way. If the last time she saw him he was a dick, maybe it’d be easier for her to get over him.

I kept waiting for him to reach for a gun, to plead for his life, or to at least deny everything. But when he shut the door and turned to me, he just shook his head and said he was sorry.

It fucking sucked pulling the trigger on him. The others, not so much. They didn’t see it coming. They didn’t even know I was still alive. It didn’t feel like much of anything for them. But for Vino, it felt like the end.

And that’s how it feels right now for us. But I won’t let it be the end.

I can fix this. I can give her what she needs to get better.

“I know she needs this. She’s got to have a little time to deal with what she’s been through.”

“She needs more than just a new place to live, Kane.” Vince tilts his head and cocks his brow. I know that, really I do. With all the shit she’s been through--it’s a miracle she made it out as well as she did. I should’ve known something was off. I fucking hate myself for not realizing how hurt she was.

“I know that. That’s why I want you to get her a job. She needs a normal routine.” I pause before adding, “I got her the psychiatrist too. Anthony told me to call Mae.” I had to get someone who knows what’s what and is trusted. She’s the familia shrink according to Anthony. I think it’s the only thing that will help and she was really receptive to it. I already scheduled an appointment for today. I told her I’d take her, but she didn’t want that. She wants to go by herself.

“What if,” Vince pauses, “What if when she’s better, she doesn’t wanna stay?”

I know what he’s really asking is: if once she’s better and she doesn’t want me, how am I going to react. What am I going to do once she comes to her senses and realizes she’s the one who deserves better?

“I don’t want to think about that, Vince,” I tell him simply.

“It’s a possibility, Kane. I like you and all. And I like her, so I’m going to do what I can to help. But when she’s doing better, if she wants out, I’m out.”

I nod my head and look back up at our place.

I fucking hope she still wants me after this.

I know I’ll still want her.