The faint humming of the machines and the steady beeping of the monitors are the only sounds in the room, but I need to keep hearing them. They tell me he’s alive. They removed the breathing tube from his throat today. It’s been three days and they keep telling me he’s going to wake up soon since now he can breathe on his own. They’re just waiting on him now.

I’m waiting on him, too.

Tommy comes back into the room and hands me a styrofoam cup with a lid on it and the string from the teabag draped over the side. I give him a small smile and say thank you. I haven’t slept at all. I didn’t realize I haven’t had to drink my tea or take my pills to sleep until I found myself curled up in the hospital chair, wide-awake and watching Anthony.

My voice is hoarse as I thank him.

“You can go if you want,” Vince says from across the room as Tommy sags in the seat next to him. He keeps telling me that, and I give him the same response I did last time.

“I want to stay.” He nods his head and looks down at his phone then back up at Tommy. They start talking in hushed tones. I don’t mind. I don’t listen. I just keep my eyes on Anthony’s chest as it slowly rises and falls.

I put my cup down and scoot my chair closer to Anthony’s bed. The clink of the metal is the only sound in the room. I take his hand in mine and rub my thumb along the palm of his hand and wait. I need him to hold me back. I just need a sign that he’ll be alright.

I look up and my heart stops beating as Anthony clears his throat and his head turns to the side. He’s waking up. My eyes widen and I do what I’ve been trained to do. I get onto my knees in the chair and kneel as best as I can. I watch my dom, my master, my love, and my life as I wait for him to wake and acknowledge me.

I see Vincent and Tommy rise from their seats from my periphery. I don’t look at them though. I don’t care what they think. I need Anthony to see me waiting for him like this. I need him to know I was waiting for him, that I would always be here for him.

His eyes slowly open and he looks down at me with confusion as he takes in a heavy breath and winces. My heart hurts for him. I know he’s in pain.

“Kitten,” he barely manages to get out.

“Anthony,” I say as I look up at him and move my hands to his bed, crawling to get close to him.

“Can I get in with you?” I ask him. I know he’s in pain, but I need to feel him. I need to be next to him and be by his side.

“Please,” I beg him. “I need to feel you.” He gives me a nod and watches as I quickly move to him. I never want to leave his side again.

I climb onto the small bed and hold him close to me. Tommy and Vince stand and talk to Anthony, but I don’t listen. I can’t do anything but hold him.

Once they’re quiet I finally speak.

“I’m so sorry, Anthony,” I say as I bury my head into his chest.

“Nothing to be sorry about.” He kisses my hair and rubs my back. He’s consoling me when he’s the one who’s so badly hurt. I pull away and brush the tears from my eyes while I shake my head.

“I never should’ve left you.” I push down the sob threatening to choke me.

I look over to the left and see Vince and Tommy watching us. Both look confused and are obviously judging us, but I don’t care. I need him to know how much I want him, how much I need him. I can’t go back to a life without him. Never.

“I’ll go to the cell. I deserve to be punished.” I speak clearly and I know the other men heard, but I don’t care if they know. It’s none of their fucking business, and what they think of me is none of my business. I’ve never felt more safe and complete as I do with Anthony. I’m not letting that go.

“No, you need to go. Now,” Anthony says dully as he stares at the back wall.

“You’re throwing me away?” I ask him as my heart shatters in my chest. I shake my head in complete denial. I feel so broken. Every part of me hurts all the way to my soul.

“Please, Anthony,” I beg him. “Please don’t throw me away.”

He closes his eyes and refuses to look at me. “You don’t understand, Catherine. You’re free now. No one will come for you. You can live your life in peace.”

“We’ll make sure you're safe and settled in.” Vince interrupts us and motions for Tommy to follow him. He holds the door open and they both look back at us. “Whatever you two decide, we’ll make sure you’re safe, Catherine.” He locks eyes with Anthony for a moment before leaving and closing the door behind him.

“But I don’t want to go.” My shoulders shake and my voice cracks. I try to scoot closer to him and he lets me. Thank God he lets me. “Please, Anthony. I can’t live without you.”

“You can.” His hand cups my chin and his thumb strokes against my jaw. I lean into his warmth and kiss his palm.

“You’ll find a man who can love you.” It breaks my heart that he’s willing to let me go. That he’s shoving me away. “I don’t deserve you.” He says the words with finality.

“Just the fact that you’re saying that means you do.” I breathe out the words, my hands clutching his. I need him to take me back.

“I’ll do anything.” I will. I’ll do anything he wants for him to take me back.

“Then leave me,” he says.

“I won’t.” I almost yell the words, but somehow, saying it in a calm voice and locking my eyes on his, it comes out with force.

His eyes heat with anger and a dark lust that I’ve missed. “Are you disobeying me, kitten?” he asks. His chest rises and falls with a sharp intake of air.

“Yes. I am.” I stare back at him defiantly, hoping it’s enough. That his need to punish me is enough that he’ll keep me. Even if he doesn’t realize it, I know he loves me. And I love him.

I close my eyes and gather up the courage to spill my truth to him. “I love you, Anthony.” I wipe the tears away angrily. “You'd better not throw me out. I’d rather die.”

“You wouldn’t,” he says as though he knows it to be true.

“I would. I can’t live without you.” The pain in my chest is unbearable. I know I won’t be okay without him. Never.

“I did that to you,” he says with regret.

“You did what I wanted, Anthony. You always did what I wanted.” I take his hand in mine and press his palm to my cheek. “I need you now more than I ever did. I’ll beg until you cave. I swear I will.”

He looks at me for a long time and I remain still, waiting for his verdict. My heart pumps slowly in my chest as though it’s prepared to stop beating if he denies me.

“Come here, kitten.” I crawl up to him, loving my pet name. I nestle into his side, careful not to hurt him. “You’ve been very disrespectful,” he says, staring into my eyes. “And you disobeyed me. You left me, and then disobeyed me again. You put yourself in danger.” His admonishment makes my shoulders droop in shame. What’s worse is that it’s all true.

“I’m sorry, Anthony.”

“Don’t be,” he says, taking my chin in his hand and tracing my lower lip with his thumb. “If you come back to me now,” he says, “I’ll never let you go.”

My heart swells in my chest and I push my lips to his. My tear-stained cheeks heat as he kisses me back with the passion I know he has for me. I break our kiss and finally breathe.

“Never let me go, Anthony.” I look into his tortured eyes and I hurt so much for him. For everything he’s been through, but also because I know leaving the way I did hurt him, and I fucking hate that. “I love you.” I’ll say it every day until he believes me, although I’m not sure he ever will.

His forehead scrunches and he takes in a deep breath. He swallows thickly and looks out of the hospital window. Finally, he looks back to me and says the words I want to hear every day for the rest of my life. “I love you, too. But that’s not even close enough to describing what I feel for you. I want you to remember that. Always.”