Emme
I convinced myself this morning that I could never be in competitive sports. The pressure would be too much for me. It was day one of the X Games and my stomach was a bunch of nerves. I did my best to hide it today because Charley had enough nerves for everyone combined. Apparently, it didn’t matter how much I had ‘practiced’ for this event; I was scared that the work I’d do wouldn’t be good enough and Wes would end up regretting his decision to hire me. I didn’t respond well to pressure.
Part of my nervousness also was stemming from the fact that the guys would actually be competing today. Had it been just Luke or Stone I don’t think I would have been fighting the nerves, but with Zane needing to ride today and defend his title I was slightly on edge on his behalf.
Over the course of the past few days I struggled to maintain a safe distance between the two of us. I tried not to make it seem too obvious as I didn’t want his head out of the game for today. Luckily, with there being so many of us staying in one house it was not as difficult as I thought it would be to keep that distance since there always seemed to be someone around. It was difficult at night. I fought myself tooth and nail to not go to him in the middle of the night just to have him wrap me up in his arms. I felt so safe and protected there or any other time he was around me, that I longed for it nightly.
To make matters worse, I woke this morning and made egg sandwiches for breakfast for everyone to take on the road. When I distributed them amongst everyone before we left the house, there was a bit of a scene. I carried the brown paper bags I’d had made up for each person and handed them out.
“Breakfast on the road today,” I said.
“Fucking awesome. Thanks, sweet cheeks” Stone said.
Luke looked to Zane and said, “You don’t lock this shit down I’m swooping in and staking my claim.” Then, Luke turned to me with a smirk on his face and said, “Thanks for breakfast, beautiful.”
“You aren’t claiming shit but a big air win this week. She’s off limits,” Zane said, seething.
Needless to say, I was uncomfortable and it only made things worse in my head. The guys were giving Zane shit about the non-romantic relationship between us. It seemed to me that they thought it was him who was holding back. Little did they know, it was me. If nothing else, I knew that I could trust Zane. I’d like to think that Luke and Stone were good people and I imagine if he told them where I stood with everything and told them about my nightmares they wouldn’t have been getting on his case as much, if at all. The knowledge that he’d kept those things private when it would have been so much easier to just tell the guys the truth was huge, in my opinion, and it said a lot about the kind of person Zane is.
I had these thoughts running through my head as I stood watching the first few riders make their runs in the first qualifying round for the men’s superpipe competition. I was brought back to reality when I saw Zane and Stone at the top of pipe. Zane was up first. I felt like I was going to throw up I was so nervous for him, but I tried to stay focused enough so that I could capture some really great shots of him. After strapping his second foot into the board, Zane took a deep breath and went. I had already taken a couple of shots of him and Stone as they stood at the top. I thought it was important to capture some of their interactions as well as the actual riding. Now, though, I was focused completely on him as he made his descent and dropped in. I didn’t know much about snowboarding, but I knew enough to know that when he landed after his final trick and the crowd erupted in applause and cheering that he had had a great run. This was further proven by the fact that moments later his score was posted and he was sitting in the number one spot. I watched him in amazement and awe following his run. I was so very proud of him and so excited that he had a fantastic run. And to see how much the crowd adored him made my heart swell. I knew how hard he worked and how much he deserved that recognition. Of course, it was still early in the competition, but I was proud of him regardless of the outcome.
A couple more riders came down the pipe, but nobody came close to matching Zane’s run. One of those riders ended up wiping out on the landing following his final trick. Finally, it was Stone’s turn. He made his run and while I wouldn’t have known if his tricks were the same as Zane’s or if they were different, the one thing I knew for certain was that they both had some serious height out of the pipe. I was in awe of the two of them. Stone had a flawless run and, as they had done with Zane, the crowd cheered just as loudly for Stone. I was certainly feeling much more relaxed now that both our boys had good runs and were qualified in spots one and two.
When the qualifying round for the men’s superpipe was finished, I made my way over to the big air course. I knew that I had plenty of time before it started, but I was determined to make sure I got my spot to shoot from and didn’t want to risk heading to the lounge and having someone else scoop it up. I got there with plenty of time to spare and since I didn’t know anyone around I pulled out my phone and sent a text to Nikki.
The big air qualifying round is about to start soon. Fingers crossed for Luke!
She immediately replied.
If you see him before he makes a run tell him that if he wins I have a surprise for him.
Me: Well he won’t be winning today since it’s just qualifying, so if I don’t see him before he runs today I’ll still be able to pass your message along later tonight. I really hope he wins, though, because I’m guessing that means you’ll need to come out here to give him his surprise…
Nikki: Yes ma’am! Wasn’t going to tell you this now, but Monroe and I are planning a trip out soon. Somebody has a birthday coming up.
Shit. My birthday. The most horrific time ever.
Me: Don’t take this the wrong way, Nik, but I don’t know that I’m up for celebrating my birthday. I absolutely want to see you and Monroe and would love for you guys to come out, but a celebration marking the most horrible time in my life…a time where I made a choice that resulted in Taj’s death…I’m not sure I can handle that.
Nikki: That’s precisely why we need to celebrate, babe. You need good memories for your birthday. And you didn’t kill Taj, Em. It’s NOT your fault. You can’t keep blaming yourself.
I started getting emotional with all of this talk. I texted Nikki only to tease her about Luke and it turned to this. My eyes were welling with tears and I tried to blink them back. I tilted my head to the sky and took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself.
“Hey, you ok?” the voice that could make my entire world better sounded in my ears.
I dropped my head forward and came face to face with Zane. I gave him a small smile, but I knew he knew that I wasn’t ok.
“Congratulations on your runs,” I said. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Appreciate it, Em, but I’m more concerned with you right now. Why didn’t you come to the lounge to warm up a bit before big air started? And why did you look like you were about to completely lose your shit thirty seconds ago?”
“I am here to do a job and I want to do it well. When we came out a few days ago I scoped out the area and this very spot is the best spot to get the shots, so I came right over here to claim my space.”
“Fair enough. And the other thing?”
Damn it. I was hoping he’d forget. I was a chicken shit so I just shrugged my shoulders at him.
“Emme. Twice now I’ve seen that. Didn’t say anything the first time, but now I’m saying something.”
My brows drew together. First time?
He shook his head at me. “You’re upset so much you can’t even remember when it happens. The other night when we were here in the lounge you were talking to Charley. I don’t know what you were talking about, but you had the same look on your face just now that you did then. The look is all desperation mixed with fear.”
Oh fuck. So apparently, I suck at hiding my emotions. Or, Zane is really good at reading them. Either way, I was screwed. My eyes dropped from his. I wouldn’t lie to him, but there was no way I was telling him any of this. I could feel the lump forming in my throat and I was definitely on the verge of a meltdown. I looked back up to him with pleading eyes when I begged him, my voice just a hair over a whisper, “Please, Zane. Don’t do this to me now.”
His jaw clenched. He was angry. I felt like shit. He held my eyes a moment before he looked away. At least he was gracious about it.
I didn’t have much time to dwell on the situation with Zane because they began announcing the start of the big air qualifying. Luke was second to go and I immediately got back in the zone, capturing as many shots as I could. Luke got a total of five runs in during the qualifying session. I ended up learning afterward that they would take his two best scores. Luke did exceptionally well and was also sitting in first place. Overall, Blackman Boards could consider day one of the X Games a huge success. I only hoped I did my part in capturing the best moments of the day.
Zane walked with me back to the lounge where we met up with Stone, Luke, Wes, and Charley. He didn’t say much to me on the walk over and I took the easy way out, saying nothing in return. I felt incredibly guilty about it. He was trying so hard and I wasn’t giving him anything. I could tell how much it bothered him, but I simply couldn’t go there. I knew it would be catastrophic for me if I told him the horrible truth about my past.
After we got our group rounded up and Wes tied up loose ends in the lounge we piled into the Tahoes and went back to the house. Earlier that morning while I was cooking breakfast I had done some prep work for dinner by chopping the vegetables and cubing the beef I’d be using in the beef minestrone soup I was making. As soon as we got back to the house, I immediately went about preparing the soup. Charley chipped in by carving out the bread bowls that we picked up to serve the soup in. After getting all the ingredients into the pot, I set the burner to the low setting to allow the soup some time to simmer and took off to hop in the shower to warm up. After a long, exhausting day in the cold, I needed to stand under the hot water for a while.
I got to my bedroom and immediately turned the water on to hot. I stripped out of my layers and stepped under the spray. I stood there for a long time just letting the water run over my body in hopes of relieving some of the tension I was feeling. When I felt I had sufficiently pruned myself, I quickly finished up in the shower and turned off the water. Considering I had been in the cold all day long I refused to go back to feeling cold so I, unfortunately, took the time to blow dry my hair. With so much of it there was no way I could let it air dry without feeling the cold creep back over my body. Ten minutes later, my hair was dried enough that I wouldn’t feel frozen the rest of the night. I walked back into the bedroom and pulled on a pair of panties. As I pulled them over my hips I heard a light tap at the door.
“Just a second,” I called out.
I quickly scurried around the room, threw on my cream-colored camisole, and snatched up a pair of shorts. So much for being warm. I ran to the door, opened it, and found Zane on the other side.
“Hey,” I said. “Sorry, I just got out of the shower.”
His eyes traveled the length of my body, lingering a bit longer on my breasts. It was in that moment I regretted my choice in wardrobe.
“Zane?” I said quietly.
His eyes came back to mine and he responded, “Fuck you’re so beautiful, Emme.”
I swallowed hard at his admission because I knew it was genuine. I also knew that he wasn’t currently standing in my doorway just so he could tell me that. “Thank you,” I murmured. “Is something wrong?”
He shook his head quickly as if he were trying to pull himself out of a fog and said, “Yeah, actually, I wanted to come and apologize to you.”
I stayed silent. He wanted to give me an apology?
“I know you’re dealing with some serious shit and I didn’t help matters today. I’m sorry for pushing you earlier and then being pissed off when you refused to explain. You have a right to your privacy and if you aren’t willing to share something I need to respect that. I also want you to know, though, that it fucking kills me to see you struggling with this. It doesn’t matter whether you are standing there with one of your girls getting emotional or you’re standing there out in the cold by yourself trying to fight back your tears. Either way, I fucking hate seeing you hurting.”
A single tear slid down my cheek. Zane cupped my face in his hand and swiped at my tear with the pad of his thumb. I closed my eyes and felt myself lean into his touch. It was so gentle and it was like I had no control over my body in that moment. I needed to get back to reality. Zane was a good guy. He deserved better.
“Thank you for the apology, Zane.”
He nodded at me. “Are you doing ok?” he asked.
I didn’t know what to say. I had so many things running through my mind and I wasn’t sure how to do what I needed to do without not only hurting myself, but also Zane in the process.
“You don’t need to give me an explanation, Em. I just want to know that you are ok.”
“I can’t lie to you, Zane. I’m not ok, but I’m sure I’ll figure it all out soon.”
“I’m here, sweetheart. If you ever change your mind, I’m here if you need me.”
“Thank you.”
He squeezed my hand gently in response.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
“For your food? Always.”
With that I started walking to the door to go down and get the food served when Zane grabbed me by the wrist. I looked up to him, silently questioning him.
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, Em, but you aren’t planning on going downstairs like that, are you?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Excuse me?”
“Emme, you have an incredibly sexy body. I feel like a jackass even saying this, but the guys have been getting on my case for days about you. You walk downstairs dressed like this and I’m never going to hear the end of it. And, I know it’s not my place to tell you what to wear, but sweetheart, that shirt is killing me. The guys see that and I know how they’re going to react. I really don’t want to have to knock out one of my best friends tonight.”
I completely forgot about the fact that I was wearing a practically see through top with no bra underneath. “Right,” I began. “I’ll put on a sweatshirt.”
Zane let out a breath and waited while I put on a sweatshirt. We then walked downstairs together and ate dinner. Zane was in a much better mood than he had been earlier in the day. I, on the other hand, finally realized what it was that I needed to do. I just wasn’t sure how I’d do it without breaking myself and, very likely, Zane in the process.
*****
Three days later I wasn’t feeling so well. It was the final day of the X Games and Zane, Stone, and Luke had all placed at the top. Zane took the win in the superpipe, with Stone in second place. Luke won the big air contest. We had arrived not long ago at the local pub where Blackman Boards was hosting a post-Games party. A live band was playing and the front man had just publicly congratulated Blackman Boards and the riders on their successful showing at the X Games.
Zane, Stone, and Luke were in the throes of post-Games fandom with constant requests for autographs or pictures. They were all so gracious about it. There were also some moments of promotional stuff that they had to tend to.
I stayed back and watched Zane. He had undoubtedly worked extraordinarily hard for this. The more I watched the more I realized how horrible it would be for me to be involved in his life to the point where this could all be ruined for him. Watching him in those moments solidified the decision I made several days ago and it did nothing but give me a cold, empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I needed to tell him about the decision I made, but I wouldn’t ruin today for him.
Realizing that I couldn’t handle being that close to him without longing to be near him, I decided I needed to get out of there. Seeing him there made my heart ache. My belly was in knots and I wanted to throw up. I went in search of Charley to let her know I was heading out. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was leaving, but I also didn’t want anyone worrying unnecessarily.
Charley and Wes were huddled up with each other and I felt bad intruding on their moment, but I needed to leave before I totally lost it. I walked up and quietly told Charley that I’d be catching a cab back to the house. She was, of course, immediately concerned. I tried to reassure her and let her know that I was just feeling tired after the long week. She was my best friend, though, so she knew it was more than that. She told Wes that she wanted to take me back, but I insisted they stay there to celebrate their success. Refusing to let me take a cab, Wes gave me the keys to the Tahoe and let me take that back. I agreed to text Charley and let her know when I made it back safely.
Wes walked me to the car and twenty minutes later I sent a text to Charley letting her know I had gotten to the house. I made my way upstairs, changed into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, grabbed my laptop, and went back down and sat on the couch in the living room. I opened the laptop and there it was. The picture we took at Yellowstone. The one that was accidentally perfect. My eyes welled up with tears remembering how wonderful that day was, how wonderful Zane had been to me.
This was going to be brutal. I would likely hate myself for the very foreseeable future, but I’d be content in the knowledge that he’d be safe. I closed the laptop, set it on the coffee table, and pulled a blanket over myself. Then, I fell asleep trying to figure out how I was going to live with myself after tomorrow.