Emme
“I’d consider this a successful night out!”
That was Nikki. We had just returned to the condo from our night out at Big Lou’s celebrating Charley’s birthday.
“It was,” Charley said. “Thanks for pushing us to do this. I had such a great time. I hope you did, too, Em.”
I smiled at her and nodded. “Of course. I’m glad you enjoyed your birthday, sweets.”
“I hate to put an end to the festivities, but Nikki and I have an early flight and I need to get some sleep. Who’s sleeping where?”
“You can stay with me,” I said to Monroe. Then, I continued, “As long as Nikki is good staying with Charley.”
“Works for me,” Nikki answered.
We all wished Charley a happy birthday again and gave her hugs before Monroe and I took off to my bedroom. After changing out of our clothes, washing our faces, and brushing our teeth, we climbed into my bed.
“So, tell mama how it really was for you tonight,” Monroe encouraged me, her voice gentle. We always referred to her as the mom of the group and she took that role very seriously. She was always there whenever any one of us needed someone to talk to about anything going on in our lives at any given time. And, just like a mom, she always knew when we needed her without us having to say it.
“Honestly? It was brutal,” I began. “I don’t know how to get past the guilt that I feel over Taj’s death so I try to do what I can to ease the guilt. That includes putting myself into these situations that are extremely uncomfortable for me. I love Charley and would do anything for her — you know that. But I can’t help but wonder if I’m going to have a total meltdown somewhere because my guilt made me do something that I am not prepared to handle yet. Does that make any sense?”
“Oh, Em, I’m sorry. I know we pushed for you to go tonight, but our intention wasn’t to make you feel uncomfortable. Nikki and I are so worried about you and Charley. We just want to make sure that you know that even though bad things happen there is still good out there. Seeing Charley tonight with Wes makes me hopeful that she’s going to finally feel that again. But you, Em? I’m worried about you.”
A sadness swept through me and, as the tears welled up in my eyes, I felt the lump forming in my throat. I tried to swallow past it and stay strong, but it was useless. I needed to purge and I knew Monroe would get me through that. The tears spilled uncontrollably down my cheeks and I cried, “I’m terrified. All the time.” I paused a moment trying to compose myself, to no avail. “I don’t want to hinder her and stop her from finding that happiness she deserves, but I’m so scared. Tonight…” I trailed off as I took in a deep breath and blew it out before continuing. “Tonight, I was riveted by Zane, but I’m petrified. And then to hear him say what he did when we were leaving? Monroe…what do I do with that?”
Monroe wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we sat in my bed, our backs against the headboard, and I poured my heart out to her. I rested my head in the crook of her arm as she silently comforted me. After some time had passed and I settled a bit she pulled her arm away, looked me in the eyes and said, “Ok, Emme, listen. What you’ve been through in the last couple of years is heart-wrenching. You still deserve to see the good that surrounds you. I don’t know him any more than you do, but what Zane said tonight should tell you that there are good people; that not all men are bad. I am not blind and I know what I witnessed tonight — there was a connection between the two of you. It was electric and there isn’t a single person there that didn’t feel it. Regardless, you need to move forward at your own pace. And Em, if he’s one of the good guys, he’ll wait as long as it takes for you to get to the place where you feel ready to find your happy.”
“I’m not sure a happy exists for me anymore, Monroe,” I responded honestly, as I looked away.
“Of course it does, babe. You just haven’t found it yet.”
She was so confident and sure of herself. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she was wrong. She had been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, literally, so I let her win this battle and simply nodded at her.
“You good, Emme?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks, Monroe.”
With that, we called it a night so Monroe could get some rest before she had to leave to catch her flight tomorrow. I was definitely going to miss this girl when she left.
The next morning, we were all up early. I was up early because I hadn't slept well all night. Anxiety had kept me awake through most of the night, so by six o’clock in the morning I finally decided it was time to put the coffee on. Nikki and Monroe left just before eleven o’clock and I told Charley I needed to try to get some sleep in. I went back to bed for a while and by the time I woke up about two hours later Charley had already left. Last night, when Wes learned that it was her birthday he insisted on picking her up today and spending the day celebrating with her.
I was relieved that he did this for her. It made me super happy to know she wouldn’t be spending her birthday weekend dwelling on all the bad that had happened and the fact that her family wasn’t here with her.
After waking for the second time, I took a shower, made some food, and got to work on editing photos from one of my recent family portrait sessions. I had a very busy couple of weeks ahead of me with the Christmas holiday approaching. Between family portraits sessions and corporate events, the Christmas season always kept me occupied.
Roughly twenty minutes into editing, I received a phone call from one of my clients for whom I had recently done a maternity shoot. During the maternity session, the husband and wife had asked if I would be willing to capture the birth of their first child for them. I told them that assuming I had no other commitments when the big day arrived I’d absolutely do it. I was now receiving that call from the husband telling me that his wife’s water broke, she just made it to the hospital, and was already halfway to the finish line. Since I had no other obligations for the rest of the day, I told him I’d be right over.
Before leaving I wrote a note for Charley. I didn’t want to text and interrupt her birthday celebration with Wes, but I wanted her to know where I was if she came home and I hadn’t returned.
Six hours after I left for the hospital, I was finally pulling back up outside the condo. The adage that first-time mothers spend hours upon hours in labor was certainly not the case today. From the moment my client arrived in the hospital until she delivered her brand new baby boy, she had only been there for about five and a half hours. Evidently, she was not the norm for a first-time mom. I was certainly not going to complain because I was exhausted and ready for bed.
I parked my car, turned it off, got out, and walked to the trunk. A few days ago, I had a shoot that I took some of my other equipment to and I never brought the equipment back into the condo when I got home. I figured I’d attempt to carry that equipment plus everything I took with me for today’s shoot back in with me. After closing the back gate on the car, I bent down to pick up all the equipment. As soon as I had all of it hung over my shoulders and under my arms and started walking toward the condo, I saw Wes jogging over toward me. He must have just brought Charley back home.
“Hey, Emme. Let me get that for you,” Wes said as he approached and began pulling all of the camera equipment out of my arms and off my shoulders.
“Thank you, Wes, but it’s not necessary for you to do this,” I said.
He looked at me incredulously and started walking toward the condo. Then, he said, “Wouldn’t make me much of a man, especially one that is with your girl, if I saw you with all of this and watched you struggle to carry it in. It’s not a problem, babe.”
I followed in step beside him. I didn’t say anything, but I was surprised at how content I felt. I didn’t feel anxiety around Wes. I’m not sure if it was from everything Charley had told me about him or if it was just the vibe you got being around him.
We approached the door and I stepped in front of him to open it. He waited until I went in and then followed me in.
“You can just set everything there by the door,” I said not wanting to inconvenience him further.
“Where do you normally keep it?” he asked me.
“Most of it goes in my bedroom,” I answered.
“Lead the way.”
“Wes, you don’t have to…” I said before he cut me off.
“Emme…” he said without a hint of patience in his voice.
I quickly turned and walked toward my bedroom. Wes followed behind me, set everything down inside the room, and then turned to walk out. Before he walked out he said, “Going to head down to see Charley really quick. Good night, Emme.”
“Ok, thank you again, Wes. Good night.”
He gave me a chin lift before he walked out of the room.
Ok, so maybe there was at least one nice guy in the world. I was happy that my friend had found him. On that positive thought and after the long weekend I had just had, I decided to strip out of my clothes and get to bed. Within minutes of climbing under the covers I was out.
It was dark outside. At least, I was pretty sure I was outside. It was so dark I couldn’t be sure. I felt cold and I was out of breath, but I had to keep going. Left, right, left, right — I kept running. If I just kept pushing forward I’d get away. He would find me if I didn’t keep going.
In the distance, I saw a light. I could just barely take in my surroundings. I struggled to figure out where I was so I would know where to go. I was outside. Running down a narrow alley. How did I even get here? A brick-lined row of buildings passed by me on each side as I continued — left, right, left, right.
Get to the light. Then, keep going. He can’t catch you if you keep going. Left, right, left, right. Just as I approached the light, which I now realized was affixed to the side of one of the brick buildings, I stepped into a rut, twisted my ankle, and felt it pop as I put my hands out to brace for the fall. I came crashing down, my face inches from the road. I wanted to yell out from the pain I felt in my foot and my now scraped-up hands, but I had to get up. I couldn’t risk letting him get closer.
I began to push up off the ground and I heard the evil laugh just before I heard, “Stupid bitch. Did you think you could run forever?”
I shot up in the bed, out of breath, sweating, and terrified. I took in my surroundings and realized I was in my bed, in my condo, in Wyoming. It had been months since my last nightmare. They stopped shortly after I’d moved from Ventura to Rising Sun.
It was just after four in the morning — so much for getting a good night’s sleep. I tried to calm myself a bit and relax in my bed, but after an hour of tossing and turning I realized my efforts were futile. I figured it was best to get up and get some coffee brewing. After getting that going in the kitchen, I went to work on editing. Three hours and two cups of coffee later I had completed my photo session edit; unfortunately, that did very little to calm my nerves.
*****
To say that I was exhausted would not even begin to accurately describe how I felt. It was now Thursday morning and I was sitting in the kitchen having breakfast thinking about the nightmares I had been having every night since Sunday night. It was always the same nightmare, but it got worse each night.
I’d be running down the dark, narrow alley trying to get away. I would keep pushing myself to go farther. The light in the distance would finally appear and despite knowing that once I arrived at the light I’d twist my ankle, trip, fall, and scrape my hands, I kept running. Worst of all, after falling I would hear his voice. I’d hear his evil laugh followed by his menacing voice.
Every night I woke from the nightmare just as it got a little bit worse. At first, he would scream at me. Then, he started taking steps to move closer to me. Fear overtook me in those moments. I couldn’t move. I would stay down on the ground willing him away, but it never worked. The only salvation I had was when I woke because in that moment in the nightmare I was terrified. And now, I was petrified of even going to sleep at night. I knew it would only be a matter of time before the nightmares escalated and Charley figured out what was happening. I didn’t want to bring that burden back on her.
It was then as I was contemplating the awful burden I put on Charley that she walked out into the kitchen. We hadn’t seen much of each other lately since she worked pretty much all day during the week while I spent most of my days at home editing. Then, on the weekends when she was home, I was typically out on photo shoots. Sometimes, we were lucky enough to have these early morning chats. And, this morning, Charley wanted to have a chat.
Apparently, the night I got home from the photo shoot at the hospital and Wes helped me carry my stuff into the condo he caught Charley off guard. She was in the shower when he went down into her room. When she came out, she found him sitting on her bed with a bunch of her artwork in his hands. It was news to me that Charley had even continued working on her art. After Taj died she abandoned it and I never knew she went back to it. Wes questioned Charley about the artwork and asked her why she wasn’t actively pursuing a career in the graphic design field. She had a complete and total meltdown. That’s when she told Wes all about Taj, or at least, she told him that Taj had died not quite a year ago.
Poor Charley. I felt absolutely horrible that I didn’t make sure it was ok that he went to see her before he left that night. Now knowing she told Wes about Taj, though, it made me wonder if she told him how I was the one who was responsible for his death. My body shuddered at the thought. I apologized to her for not thinking twice about letting Wes in, but she assured me all was good. In fact, she admitted that she now felt better about the whole situation and that she was seriously considering Wes’ words to her.
He saw the work she did and believed she was incredibly talented. This was true. I might know how to take a great photo, but I have absolutely zero artistic talent when it comes to drawing, painting, or anything else of that sort. In fact, my stick figures leave a lot to be desired. Charley was now wondering if maybe Wes was right and if she should start thinking about pursuing a career in graphic design again. I gave her my honest opinion, which was that I always thought she was crazy for stopping. I understood her reasoning, but it was tough to see her give up on that dream. She considered calling Nikki and Monroe, but after hearing what Wes said to her that night and what I said to her this morning she decided calls to Nikki and Monroe were unnecessary. At that, she thanked me for the talk and took off for her day of work.
I watched her as she walked out and then got back to eating my breakfast. As I was finishing up, my phone rang. I looked down to see Monroe was calling. I smiled at the display as I picked up.
“Hey, mama. How’s it going?” I asked.
“I’m great. On my way to the studio this morning to work on a few things before classes begin. A couple of my students are putting on a holiday recital and I want to work out the details on a few pieces. The reason I’m calling is because I wanted to check in on you. We haven’t had much of an opportunity to talk since Saturday night. How are you doing?”
“I’m ok. Trying to keep myself busy and distracted. So far, it’s been working. I did just get some good news, though.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” she asked.
“Well, it’s actually two things. First, Charley never stopped drawing. She’s been working on it weekly.”
“Are you serious? That’s great news!”
“I know. It gets better. Apparently, Wes saw the artwork a couple nights ago and gave Charley a bunch of shit for waitressing and serving coffee when she is clearly very talented. He told her she should pursue a career in graphic design. I guess she’s been thinking it over for the past few days and is now considering it. She just asked me what I thought. Of course, I told her that I thought she never should have stopped.”
“I knew there was something I liked about Wes. I got such a good vibe from him last weekend. I think he’s great for Charley. In fact, all the guys were great.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. Monroe’s words made my mind drift to thoughts of Zane. A vision of his beautiful face popped into my head and I felt my body warm at just the thought of him. Damn it.
“I heard that, Em. Yes, I got that same vibe from Zane. We’ll work on Charley for now, though. I’m getting close to the studio so I’ll call you later. I want to give Nikki a call before I get there and give her the good news!”
I laughed. Nothing ever stayed quiet too long in this foursome. At least, not news like this. “Ok, Monroe. I’ll talk to you later. Tell Nikki I said hello.”
“Will do. Love you, babe.”
“You too, mama.”
I disconnected the call and smiled inwardly. I had a feeling Charley would be getting calls from the girls at some point this morning. Good news always traveled quickly in this group.
I spent the rest of the day editing photos as I had a super busy weekend coming up filled with holiday mini sessions. I loved this time of year for how busy it kept me, but the work could very easily pile up if I didn’t make the effort to stay on top of it during the week. Aside from the occasional corporate gig during the week, I usually had that time free to do my editing. My weekends were almost always jam packed with shoots throughout the holiday season. Once January rolled around though, things slowed down a bit for me. I would have a couple of gigs scheduled, but I was mostly free for the next two and a half months or so.
Friday was much of the same, but thankfully I was able to get myself all caught up on my editing from my previous portrait sessions. I would now be able to go into the weekend mini sessions without any other photo editing looming over my head. This was exceptionally good news since most of my clients expected a faster turnaround time during the holiday season in hopes of preparing and sending out their holiday cards to family and friends.
By Friday night, I was ready for bed early. I hadn’t been having much success on getting a good night’s sleep. Unfortunately, I was still having nightmares and the intensity of them was increasing. Between the nightmares and taking the time over the last two days to edit, I was absolutely drained. I was really hoping for a good night tonight since I’d be spending the entire day shooting tomorrow.
By the time I got into bed, it only took a matter of minutes before I was out like a light.
Darkness. I was in the alley again. I was still running and I needed to get away. This time would be different. I would make it past the light. I would get away from him. I had no choice. Left, right, left, right.
There was the light. Almost there. Don’t trip. Stay steady and keep going. Left, right, left, right, left…shit. I was on the ground now with scraped hands and a busted ankle. Even if I could get up I’d never be able to run.
Then I heard it. I heard the evil laugh. I wouldn’t get away this time. I began crying as he stepped forward. I refused to look at him. I kept my eyes focused on his feet as they stepped closer and closer.
“Emily..,Emily…Emily. You stupid bitch. You keep running, but you’ll never get away.”
The tears were streaming down my face as I whispered, “Please stop. Please let me go.”
And that’s when I felt his breath at my ear. “You can keep running, Emily. You will never get away. I’ll never let you go. And no matter how far you run, I’ll always find you.”
His breath left my ear and I pressed my forehead against the ground in defeat. “Please,” I whispered.
And then he kicked me in the side as he yelled, “Never, bitch. I’ll always find you.”
He kicked me repeatedly and I knew I’d die for sure this time. I cried and tried to protect myself, but he kept at me.
“If you think you’re ever going to leave me, Emily, you are wrong. And if you try to find someone else, I’ll put a bullet in them, too,” he roared as he wound up and kicked me one last time.
Zane’s face flashed before my eyes and I screamed in terror.
My eyes opened and I shot up in the bed. I brought my knees to my chest trying to protect myself from any further blows. It hurt. It hurt so bad.
Suddenly I felt arms around me. I tensed.
“Shh. It’s ok, honey. It’s Charley and I’m right here with you,” she began.
Charley.
It was Charley.
He wasn’t here.
It wasn’t real.
Then she whispered, “I’ve got you, Emme. It was just a nightmare.”
I’m not sure how long it took, but I finally began to realize that I was ok and that I was safe for the moment.
Then, I heard Charley ask Wes to give us a few minutes. This was embarrassing. Wes had witnessed one of my nightmares.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
On the bright side, he must have been content to give us that time because I heard the door to my bedroom close. After a few minutes, I finally spoke and apologized to Charley for ruining her time with Wes. She didn’t seem even remotely concerned about that. In fact, she knew that my nightmares stopped shortly after we moved to Wyoming, so she was curious as to why I had one. I didn’t want to lie to her so I told her that I started having them the night after her birthday.
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. It was too soon. Why didn’t you say anything to me?” she asked.
“You’re getting your life back, Charley. You are finally smiling and happy. I figured this would pass, but clearly, it’s getting worse.”
“I’m here for you, Em. We’ve been through a lot. Just because I’m doing better now than I have in months doesn’t mean you go at it alone. When you need me, you need to tell me. And, get it out of your head that whatever you are going through is going to put a damper on any happiness I’m feeling. If I find out again that you are keeping this shit from me I’m going to be seriously pissed off. You got me?”
I nodded, but began to worry. “What are you going to tell Wes?” I asked.
“I’m not betraying your confidence, honey. Don’t worry. I’ll give him enough so he doesn’t worry, but he won’t get the details.”
I loved her. I don’t know what I did in life to deserve her, but I knew I was one lucky girl to have her in my life. “Thank you, Charley.”
She smiled and asked, “You good? Do you need anything?”
I wanted to tell her about the nightmare. I wanted her opinion, especially now that I saw Zane in it. Unfortunately, I didn’t want to face what any of it meant, so I lied when I said, “I’m good.”
Charley walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. I sat there for a long time trying to process the nightmare on my own. Of course, I completely understood the running to get away from Seth part. What I was more concerned with was why I saw Zane’s face.
Zane’s beautiful face. The thought of him being hurt because of me filled me with dread. At the same time, seeing his face made me warm inside. I allowed that feeling to run through me for a bit when I heard his gravelly voice in my head. The sound of his voice surrounded me like a warm blanket. I took the next twenty minutes to soak up that sound and was surprised at the peace I suddenly felt, despite the horrific way my morning started.
I finally rolled out of bed so that I could have some breakfast before I needed to get ready for the long day ahead of me. I walked out to the kitchen to find Wes and Charley were already in the midst of making breakfast. They asked me to join them. Even though I thought it would be awkward considering what Wes witnessed that morning, he made sure that it never grew uncomfortable. In fact, he took the time to explain to Charley and me that Lou hosts a huge Christmas Eve party every year at his restaurant and saloon. Since Charley and I were spending our first Christmas in Wyoming he wanted to see if we were interested in going.
I refused to take that opportunity away from Charley so I immediately told them I’d go. Charley questioned it, concerned about me. I told her I was sure about it and she didn’t push it any further. Wes then invited Nikki and Monroe if they could make it. We told him we’d ask them, but I honestly didn’t think they’d be able to make it out for the holiday.
We finished breakfast and cleaned up the dishes.
“Ok, I’ve got to get ready for my mini sessions today. I’ll see you later, Charley. Wes — thanks again for the Christmas Eve invite. It’ll be nice not to be alone.”
“No problem, Emme. Take it easy today,” he said with a wink.
“I will. Thank you.”
I looked to Charley. Her eyes began to get wet. Wes told me to take it easy because of the morning I had had. I knew deep down in my bones that Wes was a good guy, and in that moment, I think Charley knew it, too. I couldn’t be happier for her knowing that she found one of the good ones.