Later, after they’d ordered and scarfed down six meat-lovers’ pizzas, they sat in the shambles of the clubhouse’s meeting room, the guys talking excitedly. As though what had just happened was an adventure; something that had taken place on a movie screen. Katrin had joined in at first, but now she felt distanced from them. On the outside looking in. Did they even understand the gravity of what had happened? Or was it all a game to them?
Katrin had killed her father.Killed him. Okay, maybe Pistol had officially ended his life, but Katrin had done the bulk of it. And not with a gun. With her hands.
She tried to concentrate on the conversation, which had turned to Smith and what the club would do to protect themselves from any attempts at revenge.
“He eliminated a lot of his own minions toward the end there,” Ford explained. “He really wanted to be the man in charge. And he was paranoid other people would take that from him. We heard him inside, taking out a whole bunch of them. Lining them up, and just…”
“Seriously,” Rhino said. “I don’t know where exactly he did it, but there’s at least one room in that house that’s full of corpses.”
“I don’t think he ever had many loyal followers,” Kong agreed. “Just people who were either greedy or scared.” Guilt flickered in his gaze, and Katrin wondered how he was justifying his own role in this to himself. “Still, we’ll have to be cautious in the days to come. There may be another wave.”
Katrin tuned the conversation out again. Part of her couldn’t believe that these men intended to carry on as usual, after all that had happened. Part of her wanted to get out of Rialto as fast as possible. Go somewhere and start fresh.
But look how that turned out last time.
She excused herself and went to the kitchen. She chugged a glass of water, but still felt a little sick. The clubhouse was a mess — broken glass everywhere, overturned furniture, ripped up floorboards.
It’s home, Kong had said.
Katrin wandered out to the clubhouse’s front porch and stood facing the street. An ugly, run-down street, in the kind of neighborhood her father had warned her was a “bad neighborhood” when she was little.
Didn’t greed often come from fear? Fear of the “bad neighborhoods,” a desire to have as many safe guards in possible so that no one would ever pity or look down on you. So that you could sleep safe each night in your gated community. A fear of bad places that was so pervasive it eclipsed your fear of becoming a badperson.
She placed her hand on the railing.
Strange, to know that her father was finally dead. That she’d had a hand in that. She couldn’t stop reliving the moment she’d brought the rock down on his head. Part of her was detached, watching the memory from a distance, like it was playing on a movie screen. And part of her was right there, feeling the weight of the stone in her hand, seeing her father crumple. She’d stood there without flinching as her father twitched on the ground. As Pistol finished him off with two bullets, spraying her with blood in the process. Could she ever be the same after that?
What would she tell her child, if the kid wanted to know who his grandpa was?
You’ll know, said a voice.When the time is right, you’ll know what to say. How to best tell this story.
Katrin crossed her arms under her breasts.I’m scared, Mom. Scared I’ll never really trust anyone again.
You already trust Jax, don’t you? The voice was soft and sweet.
Yes. But I don’t always know if I should. You trusted dad, and he—
Katrin. You can’t live your whole live closed off from love. Cut off from all the possibilities love has to offer. I don’t regret falling in love with your father. I pity what he became. But I don’t regret.
How can you not?Katrin was shivering though it wasn’t cold.If it weren’t for him, you might still be alive.
The world is full of might-have-beens. I wish people spent more time on the yet-to-bes.
“God,” Katrin whispered, wiping her eyes with one hand. “What is that, some inspirational calendar quote?” But she felt the words, the weight of their meaning, deep within her.
It’s not easy, Katrin. Love. It’s not clean, or pure, or simple. It might never look quite the way you want it to.
Katrin nodded, placing a hand on her belly.She’s going to change everything, isn’t she? This … this life inside me.
Yes, sweetheart. She’s going to open your heart in a way you can’t even dream of yet.
The voice was gone, and Katrin stood on the porch, watching daylight fade to twilight.
Her mother was right. Love was messy. Imperfect. It was reckless. It was sometimes a high-speed chase. Sometimes a quiet night in the desert under the stars. She didn’t get to cherry-pick the best parts. She had to survive all of it. And that meant opening her heart to Pistol. Truly letting him in.
She took a shuddering breath.It’s going to be okay. I can heal from this. I can.
As she watched, the first star appeared in the sky.
###
Pistol stood up with a loud belch that the other guys laughed heartily at. He hadn’t seen Katrin for a while. He’d thought he should let her have some time alone, but maybe that hadn’t been the best approach. Maybe she needed someone now.
He searched the clubhouse but didn’t find her in any of the rooms. Then he caught sight of her silhouette through the front door. He opened the door and slipped outside, closing the door quietly behind him. She didn’t turn. He stepped up beside her and leaned on the porch railing.
“You doing okay?”
“As okay as can be expected, I guess.” She glanced at him, but didn’t smile. “I don’t want you to think I’m grieving for him. I’m glad he’s gone. I really am.”
“But it couldn’t have been easy. To do what you did.”
She shrugged, but he could see her jaw was trembling. “I’ll get over it.”
“You don’t have to pretend to be tough, you know? I already know you’re tough. It’s okay to have mixed up feelings about all this.”
She nodded. “I know. But I’m trying to focus on the future.”
His gut clenched. The future. The baby. He was so damn excited and nervous. He didn’t know what to say.
She turned to him suddenly. “I was never free,” she told him. “Until now.” She inhaled and let the breath out. “I want to give myself to you. I don’t want to hold back. I love you. I do. And if you meant what you said about wanting to be with me, with our baby…”
“I did,” he said quickly, voice rough with emotion. “I want us to do this, Katrin. Trust each other. Love each other. I don’t want to be afraid anymore. And I don’t want to be alone.”
She managed a shaky smile. “Good. Me either.”
“I’ve never been in love before. I worry I’ll … get it wrong, I guess.”
“Me too,” she whispered.
“But I guess we can figure it out? Together?” he offered.
“Together,” she agreed softly.
He stepped over to her and put his arms around her. Held her for a long time. She turned and nuzzled him, then stepped away. “You can go back to the guys. I just … want to be out here a little longer.”
“You sure you’re okay?”
She smiled at him, that beautiful smile that had left him speechless the first time he’d seen it. “I’m sure.”
He started toward the front door, but had to turn back one more time to look at her. Her borrowed blue sundress was fluttering, her dark hair still tangled, her profile regal, her lips slightly parted. She was staring at the horizon as though she could see their whole future there.
He realized he no longer felt any fear about loving her. About spending his life with her.
He was ready.
He went back inside. The guys had dispersed. Rhino was in the downstairs bathroom with the door open, trying to clean his split lip. Viking and Jackson were trying to get the smashed TV working in the den. Kong stood in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water. He turned when Pistol entered.
The two men stood amid the broken glass and overturned appliances — the toaster oven lay in pieces on the floor; the microwave had been overturned — and stared at each other for a moment, Pistol trying to get a handle on his emotions. He was incredibly fucking glad Kong was alive. The man meant enough to Pistol that Pistol had set down his weapon back at Smith’s house, ready to die with his mentor and president. But Kong had also made some pretty questionable decisions over the past couple of months.
“Is your wife all right?” Kong asked.
“She’s a little shaken up. Understandably.”
Kong nodded and gulped his water. Set the glass down. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “For all of this. Long ago, I promised I’d look out for you. And I did, even though you were an ungrateful little shit. But these last few months. I stopped being your mentor. I stopped being your brother. And I’m sorry.”
Pistol swallowed. “We’re cool.”
“Are we?”
Pistol shrugged. “I didn’t get why you rolled over for Smith. But I benefited from the extra cash, same as everyone else. My hands ain’t clean.”
“If I’d known what he had planned that night, I never would have let you all go.”
Pistol shrugged again. Seemed a little disingenuous for him to suggest he didn’t have an inkling that a psychopath might not be trustworthy, but hey. He’d gone along with the mission too, despite the red flags.
He scratched the back of his neck. “I know you done a lot for me, man. And I know I ain’t always been grateful — or deserved your help. But I know you put up with a lot. I know you didn’t want any of us getting hurt.
Kong nodded slowly. “What will you do now?”
Another shrug. “Find somewhere to settle down with Katrin. I do love her, you know. At first, I wasn’t sure … everything was so crazy. But now…” Now shewashis home.
“Katrin’s a good woman. Treat her right.”
“You know I will.”
“Will you still be … in the club?”
Pistol raised his brows. “If there’s still a club, I’m in it. I mean, it’s kind of … our numbers are down. Way down.”
“Yes.” Kong looked as old and tired as Pistol had ever seen him. But there was still an old familiar spark in his eye. “But they’ll climb.” He dragged the corners of his lips up into a smile. “I’ve got a plan. I just need some time to put it into action.”
Pistol returned the smile. “All right. Yeah. I’m intrigued.”
He started as Kong stepped forward. The old man’s boots crunched on the broken glass, and Pistol tensed as Kong came right up to him, then put his arms around Pistol in a long, fatherly hug. Pistol relaxed slowly, then, with a surge of emotion, threw his arms tightly around Kong.
Kong slapped Pistol’s back lightly and stepped away. Looked up at Pistol with kind, patient eyes. “I’m proud of you,” he said. “I think you’ve finally reached your potential.”