Chapter 10
Farrah
I pulled on pajamas after Lee left and went back to bed. Cocooning myself in the covers, I tried to get comfortable alone in the empty bed after he had held me all night. I had been used to sleeping alone for the past year and a half, but this time it was a bit of a struggle.
Sleep eventually dragged me under.
When I opened my eyes again it was much later. I rolled over in bed and stretched, feeling better than I had in a long time. Being bold was really starting to pay off. I was glad I had slept with Lee last night and again this morning. It had been scary to take that step, but it had been good for me.
He had been good for me. He had made me feel like I was more than worth the effort, and I knew that was what made all the difference. I could very well have found an asshole and the experience wouldn’t have been a good one.
When I was ready, I walked to the bathroom and took a shower. I let the water run through my hair and over my body, washing away the sex between my legs. I ran my hands over my body and thought back to how it had felt when he had touched me. My stomach clenched with delicious memories.
After I was done I dried my hair and packed the last of my things before heading out to my car. After loading my suitcase, laptop and camera in the trunk of my car, I walked to reception and returned the key.
Quickly, I drove over to The Pint to say goodbye to Hannah. I had only been in Packwood for a weekend, but I felt more attached to this place than to some of the places I had spent a week in or more. The people here were different.
When I walked inside, Hanna was alone behind the bar. Holly and Dustin were nowhere to be found and there were only two people enjoying breakfast at one of the tables.
“Can I offer you breakfast?” Hannah asked, when I walked over to the bar.
I shook my head. “I’m on my way home. I only stopped to say goodbye.”
“Oh, no. That’s so sad to hear,” Hannah said, and she sounded like she meant it. “I never asked, where do you call home?”
“Seattle,” I said.
“Not too far,” she said.
I nodded. “About a two and a half hour drive if the going is good. I should be home by lunchtime.”
“I’m sad to see you go, but I’m grateful you came to Packwood. You’ll always be welcome here.”
She hugged me and the sudden affection caught me a little off guard. At the same time, it was heart-warming.
“Thank you for making me feel so welcome,” I said. I knew my photos would increase Hannah’s publicity, but I didn’t feel that her kindness had only been an act. Everyone here was genuine.
Especially Lee.
I didn’t think too hard about him. It was strange thinking I had slept with Hannah’s brother, and I didn’t want to dwell on it while I was with her.
“I hope we see you around here again,” Hannah said.
I nodded. I didn’t know if I would come to Packwood again, but it was the kind of place I wouldn’t mind returning to. Maybe one day I would come here again. It was beautiful and so removed from my reality it was a refreshing escape to be here.
As I walked out of the bar, Dustin and Holly arrived. They were both on foot. Dustin nodded a hello at me when I greeted them both. Holly didn’t respond at all. She only shot me a dirty look and walked right past me.
What was that all about? I shrugged it off. I barely knew her and we weren’t exactly cut out to be best friends. She looked like she was barely out of school. I forgot about her reaction almost immediately.
After stopping at The Pint, I drove to the Chamber of Commerce where I found Frankie. She was in her office and her secretary ushered me through. Frankie was behind her desk when I walked in and her face broke into a grin when she saw me.
“Your photos are amazing. The edited copies you sent of the town itself are just spectacular. And the photos of Leeland are going to be a hit, I know it! You’re very talented.”
“Thank you,” I said, and I couldn’t help but smile. To hear that my work was more than satisfactory made me feel wonderful. It had been a great risk to give up my permanent position at a company in Seattle to start freelancing, but I’d had a chance to spread my wings. I would never have had the chance to see the wonderful places I had visited so far or to meet the amazing people I knew now if I had stayed with the company.
Affirmation that it was all working out was incredibly rewarding. Though I still attributed a lot of my good mood to Lee and how he had made me feel throughout the night.
“I am on my way home,” I said to Frankie.
Her reaction was similar to Hannah’s, telling me it was a shame I was leaving and that she hoped I would come back again soon.
“Maybe I’ll even hire you myself just to see your pretty face again,” Frankie said with a wink, and I chuckled. How was it possible to feel this good about myself out here when I spent so much time hating myself back home?
When I finally got away I was sad to leave. It felt like I was leaving friends behind. Everyone around these parts seemed to invest themselves emotionally in people and that was rare to find.
Before I hit the road, I considered stopping at the ranger office to say goodbye to Lee again. In the end, I decided against it. If I saw him again now, I wouldn’t know what to expect. Our goodbye this morning had been beautiful. We had been caught up in what we had shared and it had been a sweet goodbye with no pretense and no added emotions that were out of place.
I wanted to keep it at that. So, instead of stopping at the ranger’s office, I climbed onto the main road that headed out of town and turned my car in the direction of home.
The drive home from Packwood was far better than the one going there. I felt so different, now. I’d felt welcome and l loved which was something I hadn’t felt for a very long time, though I realized part of that was spending time with the right kind of people, too. Simply avoiding the wrong people obviously wasn’t enough.
Lee was on my mind. Every now and then I started to drift back to Jim and what he would think about what I had done, and what he would say to me, but I wouldn’t let those thoughts take over. I didn’t want to ruin the way I was feeling, and Jim was nothing but bad news all the way around.
Dr. Boyer had said that if I thought about him and let his words affect me, I was still letting him control me. If I let him take over my mind, whether I saw him or not, he was still winning and I was still letting him rule my life.
And that was the last thing I wanted to do. No matter what he had been to me before, Jim was nothing to me now. He had hurt me more than words could describe and he didn’t deserve to still have a part of me. Even if it was just my thoughts.
This time, it was easier than before to push him out of my mind. I had great memories to fall back on and I felt warm and beautiful, and even loved. The feeling was out of place, but I welcomed it anyway. Once upon a time, I had felt this way with Jim. But it had been a very long time ago and so far removed from more recent reality that I’d forgotten what it was like.
What I felt now was also different from before. There had always been underlying judgment from Jim. This time, good memories were all I had and I would hold onto them for as long as I could. The memories were like a buoy that would keep me afloat in an ocean of sorrow and terror. If I clung to it, I might be able to keep myself from sinking.
The drive to Seattle was smooth and I reached the city in good time. The day was overcast and I found I missed the sunlight that had smiled down on me in Packwood.
As I drove down the road between the tall buildings to get to my home, I found that the good feelings I had brought with me were slowly starting to fade. I was back home again, in the city where my life had fallen apart once upon a time. I fought desperately to cling to the good feelings and only partially succeeded.
Arriving home, I unloaded my car, carrying in my bags bit by bit. I made myself a cup of tea and opened the doors to the porch. A bit of sunlight broke through the clouds and I wanted to soak in as much of it as I could.
Armed with my cup of tea and a book, I walked outside and sat in the wicker chair. I sipped my tea and tried to read, but my mind kept drifting back to Packwood and the people there.
Everyone that came into The Pint had seemed like they had belonged to one big family. They had laughed together, drank together and they had greeted each other as if they were long lost friends, even those that arrived alone and left alone.
I wrapped my fingers around my warm cup and closed my eyes, letting my thoughts transport me there. The pub had been warm and dimly lit. I hadn’t noticed it then, but thinking back now, there had been music floating around, adding to the atmosphere. I pictured the whole scenario again and smiled.
In my mind’s eye, I saw Lee behind the bar, wiping it down or pouring a beer for a customer. His board shoulders were straight and his graying hair was a little mussed up as if he had pushed his hands into it a few times. It made him look rugged and handsome rather than shabby and unkempt.
He was such an amazing person, and had made me feel like I’d been the only thing that mattered. With Lee, I’d felt like I was beautiful and special, and like I had so much to offer. It had been refreshing.
The last couple of days were been perfect. I had driven out to Packwood for a job and I had come back with unlikely friends, feeling revitalized and great about myself. The money I had made for the project was the least of what I had gained.
I was a pity I would never see them again. Especially Lee.
Maybe one day I would have to return to pay them all a visit. I was sure I could invent a reason to go there. It wasn’t too far and there were a handful of people I wouldn’t mind seeing again.
I flashed on Lee’s face and the same warmth filled my chest. This was what I would hold onto whenever I struggled with thoughts of Jim, I decided. Even if I never saw Lee again, it could be enough.