Chapter 22
Farrah
By Wednesday I had stayed with Lee for nearly a week and it felt like it was something we had always done. We had fallen into a routine pretty quickly. Lee headed out to the ranger’s office at different times, alternating between the early shift and the late shift. When he had the early shift, like today, he left at the break of dawn but he was back early. I preferred those days. When he had the late shift, we slept in together and he left almost close to lunch time but then he wouldn’t come home until sundown.
Even though I loved us sleeping in together, it somehow made the day feel longer when he wasn’t back until the sun sank below the horizon.
I loved waking up next to Lee every morning, whether it was early or late. I had gotten used to sleeping alone after Jim had left me, but it had been easy for me to fall back into the habit of sharing the bed with someone. Even though Jim and I hadn’t been on good terms for a long time and I had hated what we had become, when he’d finally walked away I had struggled learning to sleep alone.
Now that I was with Lee, I had that comfort at night, but it was with a man I could trust. It made the biggest difference.
I was starting to like living in a small town, too. I saw Hannah now and then when I headed out to town to get a bit of air. She didn’t usually wake up until noon with her tough schedule, but we had grabbed coffee together once or twice. She was interested in who I was, not only because of my involvement with her brother, but because she genuinely seemed to care about me as a friend. I liked that about her.
It made me feel like her welcome to the family had been real.
I was getting to know the other people in town, too. They didn’t know I was pregnant, but it was no secret that I was with Lee and that we were living together. I hadn’t been sure how they would receive the news but they seemed to have accepted it.
Everyone was happy for us, except Holly. She wasn’t having a fit, but she didn’t talk to me at all. It didn’t bother me too much. I understood what it was about and if she left Lee alone about it, I didn’t mind her attitude. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt possessive over someone. While I’d been with Jim, I hadn’t felt much of anything other than worried that I was messing up all the time.
When we were together, he had lived his life, doing everything he wanted to do, but I had felt I was living in a world where the only thing ever expected of me was to conceive. The longer that took to happen, the more I withered away until there was almost nothing left.
Dr. Boyer had said that I needed to find hobbies again, that I needed to reach out and see the color that life had to offer again. It was part of why I had decided to start being so bold. It had changed everything for me.
The hardest thing for me to do was to forget about Jim. Even though everything had changed. The more we resembled a couple, a family, the more I thought about Jim and what we used to be. I couldn’t help it. My relationship with Jim was all I had to compare my relationship with Lee to. But Lee won hands down, every time. He was nothing like Jim. Most of the time, it was easy for me to separate the two because Jim was such a dark figure in my mind and Lee was such a point of light, and life. But sometimes, I fell back into my natural reactions. I expected Lee to find something wrong with me and to scold me for it. I expected him to get over how wonderful he thought I was and to see the truth, as layer by layer, I was revealed. Sometimes, I knew he saw my reaction and wondered what it was about.
I couldn’t explain it to him.
But he never seemed to think that the situation we were in was a bad one. He never got angry about everything or resented me for the pregnancy. There wasn’t one moment where he seemed to regret what was happening or had second thoughts about our relationship.
I had to remind myself that only a week had passed. There were days it felt like we had been together an eternity and he had all that time to realize who I really was.
But I did what Dr. Boyer had suggested when it got too bad and I started from the beginning. I told myself who I was and that none of what had happened was my fault. I told myself that I was worth it and that I deserved to be happy, that I deserved a second chance.
I started listing the things that I liked about myself, the things that were worth loving.
And when I started there, everything made sense again and I knew what I was doing was right.
After I thought about everything and pulled it apart only to put it back together again, I had to get out of the cabin and go for a walk. I needed to clear my mind. I needed fresh air. So I would drive down to the town and walk along the main road, looking at the storefronts I had photographed on my first visit to Packwood. I went to a coffee shop and ordered, taking time to just relax.
When I headed back to the cabin after that, I could work in peace again.
When Lee wasn’t around, I worked. When I had come to the cabin at first I had thought there was only one bedroom. Lee had closed off the other room because he hadn’t needed it. The room opened into the living room with the door on the other side of the couch.
Since I had come to stay here, Lee had opened up the room and cleaned it out, transforming it into an office for me with the old desk he’d already had there and a cabinet he had brought home from the office one afternoon. It was perfect.
I had my equipment in there, my laptop open and everything set up so I could resume working.
When I was alone in the cabin and I wasn’t haunted by my past, I focused on sending emails out to clients, tendering for jobs, sending portfolios. I had to do more projects to bring in money. I tried to find work that was close to Packwood so I wouldn’t have to drive very far or stay over anywhere if I could help it. I wasn’t sure that would work, but I was going to try.
But I wanted to make money while I still could. I wasn’t very far along with my pregnancy and I wasn’t struggling with any symptoms yet. I knew that as soon as the side effects started and my stomach started to grow I would have to slow down a little. That was true, even if there weren’t any complications at all.
Lee had said he was able to help out financially, but I still wanted to make an effort to work hard and put money away. It didn’t feel right to let him carry the bulk of the expenses, no matter how much he was willing to help. Lee was an amazing man and I knew he wanted to be there for me, but I wanted to be sure I held up my side as much as I was able.
Even if we were a couple now, I needed to earn my own way and help support us all. While I’d been with Jim I hadn’t had that opportunity. It wasn’t just about us having this baby and half of it being my responsibility. It was about an income and that making my own money made me independent. Even though I knew that Lee wasn’t here to cut off my independence, it was important to me that I held onto my own life this time. When I was with Jim, I had slowly lost so much more than I had been willing to sacrifice. It was still a struggle some days. I had to stop it from happening again.
This morning, Lee left at dawn which meant that he was going to come home early. I was excited to see him. I liked it when we got to spend the evening together. On the nights he came home late, I made sure I already had food on the table so he came home to a warm meal. But when he came home early, we cooked together.
I loved cooking for two people. It was so much more fun than cooking for one. When I’d lived alone, I’d tended to rely on microwave meals and takeout. Now that there were two of us, I made an effort to cook every night.
At four o’clock, I heard Lee’s truck pull up. I had taken meat out of the freezer to defrost for supper and had gone to the store earlier to buy fresh rolls.
Lee came into the cabin and I walked to him.
“There you are,” he said with a smile and kissed me. He pulled me against his body and I reveled in his warmth. When he came back from work, Lee always smiled like pine needles and something earthy. I breathed in deeply, taking in the scent. I loved it.
“How was your day?” I asked, when he finally let me go.
“It was slow. I spent most of the day in the office. We didn’t have a lot of hikers so there wasn’t much to do after we checked the trails.”
“I’m glad today is an early day,” I said.
“Me too,” Lee said, kissing me again. “I’m going to go hit the shower real quick. I’ll be back.”
He walked to the bedroom, already unbuttoning his shirt. I watched him with a smile until he disappeared. I put on the kettle so we could have coffee together when he was done.
Lee was quick in the shower. When he came back out, his graying hair was still damp from the shower, wetting his shirt collar. I offered him his cup of coffee.
“This is just what I needed,” Lee said, taking it from me. We sat together on the porch, drinking our coffee and talking about our day.
When the sun set, we headed inside to start cooking. I rinsed the vegetables and started peeling them. Lee came to stand behind me, sliding his hands over mine, pressing the line of his body against mine, and distracting me. I turned my face toward him.
“You’re looking for trouble,” I murmured.
Lee kissed me. “Maybe I like trouble.”
This was what I loved about us cooking together. We were making a meal together but Lee always flirted with me, making it hard for me to focus on the food we were preparing. I loved it when he was like this with me. Lee loved touching me and I loved it when he did. He made me feel loved.
“Why don’t you start the meat?” I asked when he started kissing my neck. It gave me goosebumps and it made me think about things that had nothing to do with the food we were preparing. I giggled and pushed Lee away when he wouldn’t listen to me.
“Okay, okay,” he relented and took the meat I had defrosted, preparing it before he put it on to cook. “I know when I’m not wanted.”
“Oh, you’re more than wanted,” I breathed, and he chuckled deep in his throat, the laugh I had come to associate with what would happen after supper. I had quickly come to think of it as dessert redefined.