Chapter 17
Lee
I only worked half the day on Monday. I couldn’t focus on work, not with Farrah running around my mind all day and I had a lot of questions. I had to talk to someone about it. I called Hank.
“Can you handle the runs alone this afternoon?” I asked. “I have business to take care of.”
“Yeah, but you owe me.”
“Free drinks at The Pint on the weekend.”
Hank laughed. “That sister of yours is going to eat me alive.”
“I’ll talk to her,” I said and we had a deal.
The only person I’d ever really been able to talk to was Hannah. My sister and I were close. We always had been. When she had gone through her divorce I had been her shoulder to cry on, and I knew I could go to her with everything that had happened to me the past couple of days. Even though I hadn’t told her the extent of what had happened with Farrah, I knew I could turn to her Hannah now.
My sister wasn’t dumb and she missed nothing. She already knew there was something there.
I knocked on her door until she finally opened it. Hannah’s eyes were bleary with sleep and her hair was a mess.
“Don’t you want to bother me when I’m not sleeping?”
“Sorry, sis,” I said, stepping into the house. “I needed someone to talk to.”
Hannah frowned, her demeanor immediately changed. “Is something wrong?”
I shrugged. It wasn’t that something was wrong exactly, I just didn’t know how I felt about it all.
“Come on,” she said and turned into the house. I closed the front door behind me and walked with Hannah to the kitchen where she put on the kettle for coffee. “If I’m grumpy with the customers tonight, it’s going to be on you. Just sayin’ ya know?”
“Farrah is pregnant,” I said.
Hannah froze and stared at me.
“What?”
“I knew that would get your attention,” I said, grinning.
“That means you slept with her,” Hannah pointed out. “I’m doubting you would be here if it was with another man’s baby.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I slept with her. There’s something about that woman that drives me crazy.”
Hannah chuckled. “I knew you were all into her. I saw it that night you thought that brunette was her.”
“Yeah, I didn’t know about this then, though.”
“About the baby?”
I nodded.
Hannah turned around, shaking her head. She kneeled and opened the liquor cabinet, taking out a bottle of whiskey. “Seeing you’re not the one that’s pregnant, you should have a drink. A big one.”
I watched her pour two fingers and push the tumbler toward me. I took it and took a sip despite the fact that it was only lunchtime. A stiff drink sounded like a great idea as a matter of fact.
Hannah made herself a cup of coffee and we walked to the living room. I was sipping the whiskey. As we sat down, Hannah folded her legs under her and settled down on the couch.
“Tell me how this happened,” Hannah said. “From the start. Because your opening statement was kind of the ending.”
I chuckled and told her everything. How I had been attracted to Farrah, our kiss under the moonlight after I had dared her to be bold. The photo shoot. The note on my desk. I told her about Farrah’s medical history and how she had been positive she couldn’t get pregnant.
And that now she was apparently having my child.
“Never say never, brother,” Hannah said.
I nodded. “Yeah, I know. This is crazy though.”
“No argument there. Is she at your cabin now?”
I shook my head. “She headed back to Seattle to see more of her doctors and get second and third opinions. I think this was more of a shock to her than to me, to be honest.”
“It sounds like it. If she had tried for so long and it didn’t work,” Hannah said. “It sounds like maybe all she needed was the right guy.”
I chuckled again. I wasn’t sure if this was all about being the right guy. Making a baby wasn’t quite the same as destiny or fate. Was it?
“I’m assuming she’s going to keep it after she’s wanted a baby for so long,” Hannah said.
I nodded. “I think so, yeah. I can’t imagine her seeking an abortion after all she’s been through trying to get pregnant and failing. Which is how she saw it, by the way. She’s still wrapping her mind around the whole thing, I think. So am I, quite frankly.”
“How do you feel about being a father?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t had a lot of time to think about it. It’s all been a bit sudden. I always thought I would be younger. It wasn’t like I dreamed of being a father one day, not in the way you girls do. But I guess after a while I gave up on the idea and focused on shit like work, you know?”
Hannah nodded. “Yeah, well, me too.”
We sat in silence for a moment.
“Are you ready for it?” Hannah asked.
I nodded. “I think I am. I can do it financially, of course. With the cabin provided by the ranger office, and not much else to spend the cash I make on, I’ve just been stacking up savings. I think I could make a good dad.”
“You would make a great dad,” Hannah said.
“Thanks, Han. I don’t exactly have experience with kids, though.”
“But you’re kind, and thoughtful. You’re serious about right and wrong. I think those are the right qualities. You’re already thinking about supporting Farrah, so you’re halfway there. It’s more than a lot of other men do.”
I thought about Hannah’s ex-husband. He was a deadbeat. It was good they’d never had children together. I threw back the last of my whiskey and put the empty glass down on the coffee table.
“I think I could make it work. It will take some getting used to though. It’s a big responsibility to look after another person. But I look after people all day, right?”
Hannah laughed. “And sometimes adults can be a lot more work than kids.”
We laughed together and joked about the hikers I came across sometimes, or the people at the pub that ended up getting so drunk they didn’t know where they were. Hannah and I had to take care of them like they were kids, sometimes. She was right, though. I could make it work if I tried. The only real wrong I could do was not to care at all.
And that was impossible. I was already invested.
“What about Farrah?” Hannah asked. “How do you feel about her?”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“You know her,” I said. “You know how likable she is.”
Hannah nodded. “And I saw how much you seem to like her. I get it. There’s something magnetic about her. When I met her I wanted to be her friend right away, too. But having a baby together is something else. And it’s so soon after you met her. You don’t really know anything about her.”
“I know,” I said. “But I’ve thought about it a lot—all last week after she left, I couldn’t think of anything else. I don’t have any regrets. Looking back, I don’t feel like we shouldn’t have slept together or anything. Something about her just feels right.”
“Sounds to me like you’re in love, brother,” Hannah teased, laughing. She finished her coffee and reached over to the coffee table to set down her empty cup.
I shook my head but I was smiling. I couldn’t say that just yet. I had only known her for a little more than week and she’d been gone for several days. However, I did feel something for her that I hadn’t ever felt for anyone else, and I definitely wanted to explore it.
“I think it’s going to be interesting to see how we’re going to make this work,” I said. “Like you said, we barely know each other. But everything about her is amazing. She’s not like the other women I’ve known.”
“No, she’s not. She’s not like anyone I’ve ever met either, and that’s saying something,” Hannah said. “I have a lot of feet coming through my door every day.”
“I want thinking I want to give it a go. I would like to try it out, to see what we’re like as parents. I want to get to know her better. I really do like her, Han.”
Hannah smiled. “I can see that. You light up when you talk about her. That’s a hell of a lot more than you’ve done with any other woman. Especially Holly.”
I groaned when she mentioned Holly. “That girl just isn’t giving up.”
“And she doesn’t like Farrah at all,” Hannah pointed out.
I laughed. “Holly needs to get over her little crush. I don’t know how many times I can stomach telling her off.”
“Maybe you won’t have to. If you and Farrah are together, she’ll get the hint. Are you going to date her, though?” Hannah asked. “Or are you only going to co-parent this baby?”
That was something I hadn’t thought about any more after Farrah and I had done the dishes together in my cabin. Building a home with her had felt right in that moment, but since then I’d been pushing the thoughts away. I knew I would like to try with her, but I had no idea what she wanted.
And what if she didn’t want me? After the week of trying to get her out of my mind and failing, I didn’t know how I would deal with it if she didn’t want me.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I would like to try for something more, obviously. It’s not just Farrah and how lovely she is. I think it’s the right thing to do for the baby. But I don’t know what Farrah wants.”
“You’ll have to talk about it at some point,” Hannah said.
I knew that, and I knew I had to bring it up. I dreaded having that talk with her, though. If Farrah didn’t want a relationship with me, even though we were going to have a child together, it would be a serious kick in the gut. It had taken me a week just to stop thinking about her after I had spent the weekend with her. Knowing everything I knew about her now, and after having spent more time together, a rejection would be that much worse. But I had to clear that up with her and we had to do it, soon.
“What if she doesn’t want to be with me?” I asked, verbalizing my fear because I knew that if anyone understood, it would be Hannah.
“It’s something you’ll have to accept, of course,” Hannah said. “But she came to tell you about the baby. And it’s not like she came back to you with a lot of demands and a list of expenses. She stayed with you and you slept with her again. That doesn’t sound like much of a rejection to me.”
I nodded. Hannah was right. But fucking and dating were two very different things. There was no denying that Farrah and I had a very strong physical attraction. What about everything else? What about companionship and working together and love? It was very different than just getting naked together.
“Talk to her,” Hannah said. “Even if it scares you. It’s better to know than to wonder. And once you know, you can handle the rest of this pregnancy and the rest of your life with her—either as your significant other or as the mother of your child—knowing where you stand. Don’t wait.”
Hannah was right. She was the voice of reason when things were chaotic in my mind. But to talk to Farrah was to open myself and risk pain. And I wasn’t sure if I had what it took to give Farrah the opportunity to hurt me.