Chapter 12
Farrah
Every year I went to Dr. Hamish, a gynecologist that had been on my journey with me since I was sixteen. Dr. Hamish was older than most doctors I had been to before, but he was good at what he did and he had never made me feel like my problems were my fault.
Even when Jim had managed to convince me of it, Dr. Hamish had told me it wasn’t something that was in my control.
When I was sixteen I had started getting severe abdominal cramps. I’d had to miss school so many times it had affected my grades and it had taken a while before we had found a doctor that had been able to find out what was wrong with me.
I had endometriosis. Tissue that should have grown inside of my uterus had also attached itself to the outside, and as a result, my periods were heavy, irregular, and I cramped so badly I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t take my medication. The other side effect was that I couldn’t get pregnant.
This was my story and I had to accept it, no matter how much I’d started hating my body for not being able to do what nature had intended.
I saw Dr. Hamish once a year if all went well, just to keep an eye on how things were going. He made sure everything was the way it should be. Every year it was the same thing. I had to pee in a cup. I had to change into a stupid paper gown and never knew if the opening should be in the front of the back. I had to have a pap smear to ensure I had no other health risks.
Once a year I had to spread my legs for a man that knew my medical history. No matter how many times I did it, it was still invasive as hell and I hated going. Dr. Hamish had been really kind to me, but I didn’t like having to go. I hated that my body and my condition had put me in this position.
Lately, it hadn’t been so hard to switch off and distance myself from what was happening. I had learned with Jim to go somewhere else in my mind until whatever scared me was over. That I had become so good at it was a testament to how bad things had gotten with Jim, but I had reached a stage with him where I had believed that the problem had been with me. If I didn’t want sex, it had to be my fault. The same way that not being able to give Jim a baby was my fault.
The same way everything else had been my fault. I had closed my eyes and smiled through it, pretending everything was fine because it had been easier than putting up a fight. I never wanted to fight Jim if I could help it.
My thoughts were spiraling back into my past. Coming to Dr. Hamish caused that because the visit fell into the same category. Being here was all about studying my imperfections.
“Farrah,” Dr. Hamish said, when he came back into the examination room. He had a piece of paper in his hands and the look on his face wasn’t the look I usually saw when he came back with my results. My stomach sank. Something was wrong. Something worse had happened. I wasn’t ever going to get a break, was I?
“Uh-oh. Just give it to me straight,” I said, closing my eyes. I still wore the paper gown and my back was cold where it gaped. I started shivering out of fear.
When Dr. Hamish didn’t say anything, I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was still frowning at the piece of paper.
“Is it that bad?” I asked, in a small voice. Cancer was the first thing that popped into my mind.
Dr. Hamish looked at me with big eyes, his wrinkled face disbelieving. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “The results came back saying you’re pregnant.”
It took me a moment to register what he was saying.
“What?” I asked. “That’s impossible. Run the tests again.”
Dr. Hamish nodded. “I asked them to run it again. It doesn’t make sense.”
“So, it’s not cancer?” I asked carefully.
“Oh no. Gosh, no. I didn’t mean to give you a scare.”
I nodded. I still wasn’t sure what was going on. How could I be pregnant? For four out of the five years I’d been with Jim we had tried every avenue and I hadn’t been able to conceive. There was no way I had gotten pregnant now after a one-night stand in the mountains. When I thought about Lee my stomach tightened.
“I’ll be back. You can get dressed while you wait, and I’ll meet you in my office,” Dr. Hamish said and left. I did as he ordered, changing into my jeans and blouse, putting on my ballet flats. I checked my clothes in the mirror before leaving the exam room and going into his office. I sat there and waited for what felt like forever for Dr. Hamish to come back.
When he finally walked into his office, he was shaking his head. He sat down behind the desk and handed me the results. I took it from him and read it. There had to be some mistake.
“It says I’m pregnant,” I said.
Dr. Hamish nodded. “It’s very faint. It’s obviously quite new, you’re barely a week along. But it’s definitely there.”
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“I don’t either. But Farrah, sometimes miracles happen.”
I swallowed hard, trying to get rid of the lump that had suddenly risen in my throat. I had wanted a baby for years. I had always envisioned myself as a mother. When I had first learned that I couldn’t get pregnant it had become an obsession. After Jim and I had tried everything, it had been hard to admit defeat. It had changed my view of myself, the way I approached my relationship, and how I had felt about being with Jim whenever he wanted to be intimate. It had changed everything.
And now? Now I was pregnant.
“Congratulations, Farrah.” Dr. Hamish said, smiling. I offered him a smile in return, but I wanted to break down in tears. I had no idea how to feel about this news I had just received. I had no idea what to do.
When I finally left the office I couldn’t wait until I reached my car before tears streamed down my face. I had wanted this for so long, but having it now seemed surreal. The whole thing was crazy. How was this even possible?
I cried all the way home. When I got there, I turned on the shower and stepped under the water. I turned the hot water up and sat down on the shower floor, letting the water wash over me, blocking out the world. Everything Jim had ever said to me flashed through my mind.
A real woman would be able to give me a child.
This is because you were drinking last week. You can’t do all these things when we have plans.
What did you think I was going to do when I found out you can’t have kids? Tell you it’s fine and go on? I want children and that’s not going to change.
We’ll do it every night until it works. It has to work. Don’t turn me down. Don’t deny me a child.
I cried. I cried until I had no tears left and the hot water was cold. I wasn’t crying about the baby that was apparently growing inside of me. I cried because of everything I had come to believe about myself, and everything I’d had to endure. I cried because, for the first time, I believed Jim might have been wrong about me.
Nothing Dr. Boyer had ever said to me had changed my mind about myself the way this pregnancy had done in a matter of minutes.
But, like Dr. Hamish had said, it was very early. There was still a chance I could miscarry. I didn’t know if that was likely with my condition, but I had to be realistic about the baby. I had to see it as a maybe.
Except, I didn’t want to. I wanted to believe this was real and that it would stick. I had wanted a child for so long and this was something I deserved after everything I had been through. Even if I was in it alone.
I turned off the water that was cold now and toweled off. I dried my hair. My mind spun with everything that would be changing now. I could have a baby with my job. As a freelance photographer, I could make it work. I made enough money to do it on my own. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me. I could do it alone.
But I wasn’t in this alone, was I? I hadn’t made this baby by myself. There was a father out there in the mountains and as far as he knew, I couldn’t have children.
My stomach sank when I thought of Lee. I had told him that I needed to be bold and he had helped me. We hadn’t used protection because after years of trying so hard without success, contraception was the least of my worries. But inexplicably and against all odds, I am pregnant.
I had to tell Lee. Even if I ended up losing the baby, he deserved to know. But if I went there to tell him, he would think I had tricked him. I had told him about my problems and he had taken my word for it. He had trusted me. What would he think of me now if I went there with the news that I was pregnant? He wouldn’t believe that I’d told him the truth. If it was impossible for me to get pregnant, how could I be pregnant with his child?
I knew it was his baby without doubt. I hadn’t been with anyone else since Jim had walked out on me. I had been too busy scraping myself off the floor, picking up the pieces and going to therapy, trying to reverse the impacts of what Jim had done to me. I hadn’t even considered being with anyone else. It was only because a year after my breakup, Dr. Boyer had suggested I try to be bold. That was what encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone and start making bolder choices.
While it made perfect sense to me, it would seem very unbelievable if I looked at it from an outsider’s point of view.
I would need to bring along evidence of everything that had been said if I was going to face Lee. I had to show him that I hadn’t lied about it. That I hadn’t tricked him into being a father. And if he wanted nothing to do with me, I had to accept it. Realistically, he probably wouldn’t want to see me ever again after he found out.
He would blame me. Of course he would. I was used to that. Jim had conditioned me to take the blame for everything.
I was terrified and for a moment, considered not telling Lee at all. I could handle it by myself. But that wasn’t the point, was it? It was about Lee’s right to know what had happened. He had the right to know he had a child, especially if I was going to keep it.
And after wanting this baby so badly for all these years, I was damn sure going to keep it.
Which meant that I had to pay Lee a visit. I had to get all my facts together and drive back to Packwood to talk to him. I hadn’t thought I would ever see him again. I hadn’t thought I would return to Packwood anytime soon.
And now, as soon as I could gather the information required, I would be heading out there again—to tell him that I was pregnant with his child.