Chapter 14
Farrah
He didn’t look like he hated me. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t freaking out, he wasn’t screaming and shouting. I had prepared myself for all of the above. I had been certain that the moment I told him, he would blame me for all of it.
How many women out there had tricked men by getting pregnant with their child and trapping them into marriage, or paying child support for years and years? I didn’t know, but I had heard stories like that before. I had always found it hideous and couldn’t understand how someone could ever do that.
Now that I was pregnant I could see how it might look and I had been terrified that Lee would think that was exactly what I had done. The whole drive here I had been so scared my stomach had cramped and I had been nauseous. It had felt like the symptoms of endometriosis all over again.
But Lee wasn’t doing all the things I had feared he would do. He was staying impossibly calm. He had given me a towel so I could dry my face and blow my nose. He had given me a bottle of water, even though I knew I wouldn’t be able to swallow anything yet since my throat was so tight from crying.
Now, Lee sat across from me with a calm look on his face as he asked me to explain things to him. As simple as that. He asked me to tell him what happened.
Why wouldn’t he look at the file? Why was he asking me to hash it out for him? But it was the least he deserved. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to calm myself. This was my story. I could tell him that. All I needed to do was focus on the facts.
“When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with endometriosis,” I said. “Do you know what that is?”
Lee shook his head. I gave him a quick breakdown, ignoring all the medical jargon and putting it into laymen’s terms, the way Dr. Hamish had explained it to me once upon a time. Lee looked uncomfortable when I talked about my uterus and periods and the like but I pushed through. I needed him to understand exactly what was going on.
“I spent a lot of time in hospitals. I wasn’t a stranger to pain. Trying to live with it the first few years was horrible. But as I got older, I settled into it and eventually didn’t think it would get any worse—until I found out I couldn’t have children.”
I shuddered, remembering how shattering it had been when Dr. Hamish told me that.
“I was in a long-term relationship until about a year and a half ago. Despite the knowledge that I couldn’t have children, Jim insisted. Having a family was the most important thing to him, and I tried. God knows I tried. We tried it all. Treatments, tests and hospital stays. We read every book, tried every method. Treatments and more hospital stays. He was sure if we kept try and trying, it would work. More pain and more disappointment. He had been so sure we would live happily ever after, but in the end, I couldn’t give him a child. And if I couldn’t give him a baby, he didn’t want me.”
I glanced at Lee to see how he was taking it. His face was passive. There were no signs of anger or judgment. He was merely listening to my story.
Either this man was very patient or he hadn’t yet processed any of it. But I powered on. He had asked me to tell him, so that was what I was going to do.
“It was hard when Jim left me because I was infertile. I didn’t know how to cope with it. I felt like I wasn’t whole, that I was lacking as a woman. Over the course of our relationship, he kind of conditioned me to see that everything was generally my fault. It took me a very long time to crawl back out of my shell, and to fight the depression I dropped into after he left.”
Lee frowned slightly, the first reaction I had seen since starting my story.
“I was devastated and felt like I didn’t have what it took to make it through. Eventually, I realized I was going to die if I didn’t do something with my life. At some point, I started seeing Dr. Boyer, and gradually she helped me see that I needed to be positive and move forward with other things. I still had my career and my friends and a whole life in front of me. I promised myself I would be bolder and try to live my life. There were a lot of people around who didn’t have children, but I ignored the fact that they didn’t have children because they didn’t want any. All I could see was that I didn’t have any because I couldn’t. And then I met you.”
Lee turned his eyes away from me and faced the window. The sun had nearly set and it was getting darker in the office. Lee hadn’t made a move to switch on the lights or close the blinds. It was almost as if he hadn’t wanted to bother me. Just as I thought it, and now that I had stopped talking, Lee stood up and switched on the light. He walked to the window and closed the blinds, and now we were closed within the office together, the warmth of the light a little jarring after we had sat in the safety of the darkness together.
“I’m so sorry,” I finally said. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I didn’t think it was possible. For so long, I had tried so hard that it seemed impossible. And that was what the doctors always concluded, after going through all their tests and trials. It never occurred to me that it was even possible. I just don’t want you to hate me. If I could turn back time, I would insist on a condom, and tell you anything could happen. But I didn’t know that, then.” I chuckled without expression. “It’s ironic to say it when everything that could have happened to me, did.”
Lee shook his head. He still didn’t look upset or angry. He looked sympathetic again, the same way he had when I’d told him I couldn’t have children that night at the motel. I had asked him to help me be bold and he had looked at me like he understood where I was in my life, and knew how much I needed him.
Why was he so damn understanding? I didn’t understand it. If he screamed and shouted and said terrible things, it would have been hard, but at least I would have understood it. I understood anger and resentment. I knew what it looked like when I was the cause of the trouble.
“You keep saying you don’t want me to hate you,” Lee finally said. I nodded. “But like I said before, I can’t hate you and never would. So, you’re having my baby. It’s a bit of a surprise, but from what I can tell, it’s not your fault. And it’s not like I didn’t have a part in it myself.”
I shook my head. This didn’t make sense. He was being nice to me.
Lee looked like he was thinking and I let him be alone with his thoughts. I wanted him to work through it all and tell me what it was he wanted to say when he was done. I didn’t trust the peace and worried it was just the silence before the storm broke through and I heard how he really felt.
When he finally spoke, he caught me off guard.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?”
I blinked at him. “What?”
“Dinner. I was about to head home. It’s late and I haven’t eaten since lunch. Do you want to have dinner with me?”
Nodding slowly, I realized I was actually hungry. I hadn’t eaten all day, too stressed about coming here to talk to Lee.
“My truck is parked outside. You can follow me to my cabin.”
He stood up and handed me the medical file I had brought to him. He still hadn’t done any more than glance over the first few pages. I took it from him and tucked it back into my bag. Maybe he would ask for it, later.
We stepped outside and Lee clicked off the lights and locked the door, then headed to his truck. I followed with my car. He drove out of town a short distance, then followed a small road into the forest. The road weaved through the trees at a steady incline until we turned off onto a dirt road that was even smaller and more obscure than the one we’d been on. Finally, Lee turned into a driveway and parked his truck beneath a carport. There were more parking spaces so I pulled in next to him.
Lee climbed out and we walked toward a small log cabin. He unlocked the door and we stepped inside.
The cabin was like something from a fairy tale, complete with a fireplace in the small living room, an open plan kitchen and a bedroom off to the side. The walls were of thick log beams and the floor was made of wooden planks with rugs thrown over it here and there. A set of antlers was mounted against the wall above the fireplace and the entire cabin was neat and clean.
This was where Lee lived.
He walked in, switched on lights as he went, and the place lit up—cozy, warm and welcoming.
“I’ll be right back,” Lee said, and disappeared into the bedroom. He closed the door and I was left alone to look around. There were a few photos on the walls. I recognized Hannah, Dustin and Holly in a group photo at the pub. Another photo had Lee in his uniform with what appeared to be another ranger. Lee had a life out here. My stomach turned as I thought about what I was messing up.
When Lee opened the door again he was dressed in casual slacks and a t-shirt. He had changed out of his uniform and somehow it made him look more approachable.
“Can I get you anything?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Right, so what do you want for dinner? I had planned to cook chicken and veggies. Do you have any dietary requirements?”
What kind of a man asked that? He was so attentive.
“I eat pretty much anything,” I said.
“Right,” Lee said. “Come on into the kitchen with me. We can chat while I cook.”
He brought me a chair from the small dining table so I could sit with him in the kitchen.
After a moment, sitting seemed awkward, so I spoke up. “I can help,” I said.
Lee gave me the ingredients for a salad and I chopped it up while he put the chicken on the grill. He asked me how my week was. He asked about my work, how I had gotten into photography, and how I had decided to make it my source of income. I braced myself for a conversation about the pregnancy but he didn’t go there.
I was struck by how comfortable it felt to be in this cabin. How normal it seemed. He was so kind and calm, and somehow he made me feel right at home. Why wasn’t he pissed off? Why wasn’t he freaking out? Why did he take my word for it when I said I hadn’t planned this? I didn’t understand him at all.
Lee cooked chicken, then added vegetables and the great smell soon filled the cabin. It was amazing.
“What about your job?” I asked, after I’d told him about mine. “How do you decide to be a ranger?”
“I love nature and animals. I was that kid, the one that liked to go camping rather than going to the movies with my friends. I joined boy scouts when I was a kid and I loved it. I tried fitting into society doing normal things. I had studied accounting, of all things. But that life just hadn’t worked for me. So when I was twenty-eight I decided to follow my dreams after all and I became a ranger. I never looked back.”
“Was there no wife and kids in your dream?” I asked, before I could stop myself.
Lee wasn’t offended. He chuckled. “I just never met the right girl. They were all so fussy, and all hung up on fashion. The makeup, the high heels, the hair. None of that works out here in the forest. I met a lot of women I could have been happy enough with if I was okay with working in an office from nine to five, but that just isn’t my thing.”
We sat down to eat and talked more, getting to know each other better. The more I got to know Lee, the more I liked him. I liked the way he thought about life and I liked the way he talked to me.
Being around Lee was so calming. After Jim, the contrast was staggering.