Chapter 6
Farrah
I drove all the way back to the motel before I stopped and thought about what I had done. I sat in my car in the parking lot, my heart beating in my throat.
I couldn’t believe I had done it. I couldn’t believe I had kissed Lee.
Twice.
And I wanted to do it again. I wanted to do more. My body was wired after I’d kissed him. Both times, my body had heated up after the kiss, desire running through me when I didn’t expect it. When had I last wanted to be with anyone? When had I last actually wanted sex? Long enough that I had to think about it.
Sex had been something I had done to get Jim off my back, and it had pretty much killed my libido. I had wondered if I would I be good enough? If I would be normal?
But this? This was something else. I wanted Lee. I didn’t know him at all, but I wanted him. I hadn’t felt like this around anyone before. There was something about him that drew me, and it terrified me. I didn’t want a man. I didn’t want to be stuck in a world where I had no control again. But every time I thought Lee was going to demand something, push for something, do something I couldn’t deal with, he withdrew instead.
He never made me feel like I was forced to do anything. I could walk away at any moment and he wouldn’t force me to stay.
And it made me want to pursue him. I liked how I felt around him and it made me want to be around him more.
Maybe my attempt to be bolder was working. It had been so hard at first. It was still a challenge to do something. The moment before I took that leap I was frozen in fear, but it became easier as I tried and tried again.
Kissing Lee had been different, though. I had still had that fear when I wanted to do it, but doing it had been easier. It was like he had drawn me to him without doing anything at all.
Being bold around Lee was easier. I had to remember that. If it was easier to be like that around him, maybe I had to be around him more.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. I was making excuses to see him, I thought. And then I thought, so what? What if I wanted to see him again? There were no rules. I could do whatever I wanted. Dr. Boyer had worked for a year to get me to be able to say that. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and no one was allowed to tell me I was wrong.
“I am not wrong,” I said out loud to myself. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
A knock on my window snapped me out of my thoughts and when I looked up, Lee stood at my car door. He smiled at me through my window. My stomach twisted and I braced myself, opening my door and climbing out of the car.
“Sorry, I followed you here,” Lee said. “You forgot this.”
He held up my camera bag. Shit. I had left it on his desk at his office. I took it from him.
“Oh my gosh, thank you!” I said, taking it from him.
I couldn’t believe I had forgotten it. My camera was my most prized possession. I had saved up a long time to buy it and it was the source of my income.
“Don’t mention it,” Lee said, and grinned at me.
I felt like such a fool. He must have thought I had left it there on purpose to force him to see me again. Coming across that was the last thing I wanted. That just wasn’t me. But after I had kissed him, it probably looked like I was trying for more. Embarrassed, I wanted to cover my face with my hands. I wanted to run away. But that would be even worse.
Bold, I reminded myself. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I was getting more and more flustered. Bold.
“Do you want to come in?” I blurted out.
An amused smile spread across Lee’s face and I was mortified. What was I doing? I couldn’t invite him in. This wasn’t my place, it was a motel room. He probably thought I was propositioning him. After he had come all this way to bring me the camera I had left in his office. I was digging myself a hole and I couldn’t get out of it.
My cheeks burned and I closed my eyes a second before looking to the side. I couldn’t make eye contact with him. Everything had been perfect until now. The kiss in the office, the kiss outside the pub, it had all been right.
But this was wrong. What was I going to do?
“I mean,” I started and I was stammering again. “What I was trying to say—” I’d tried again but it failed so I took a deep breath and stopped trying before I made it even worse. Everything had worked at first and I had managed to be bold, but now it was all breaking down.
Lee was still looking at me, amused. I clutched onto my camera bag as if it was a lifeline.
“Not today,” Lee finally answered, and the rejection was almost as bad as the mistakes I was making.
Lee leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “Maybe we’ll be there, soon.”
He kissed my cheek and it tingled where his lips had touched my skin. It was barely any contact but butterflies erupted in my stomach like I was a school girl.
“I’ll see you around,” Lee said, and walked back to his truck. I stood by my car, feeling like an idiot. Lee climbed into his truck, pulled out of the parking space and headed out onto the main road. Only after his car was gone did I walked into my room and unlock the door.
When I was in my room I’d lasted all of five minutes with the mortifying thoughts of what I had just done before I left the room again. I locked up and climbed back into my car. I needed a drink.
I headed down the road to The Pint. It wasn’t nearly as busy as it had been on Friday night. There were only a few cars in the parking lot and I found a spot easily. When I walked into the bar, it was as warm and welcoming as it had been before. Dustin was behind the bar and the young waitress that had been doing her rounds sat on one of the bar stools looking bored.
“Farrah,” Hannah said, coming to me with a smile. “It’s good to see you again. What can I do for you?”
“I’m here for a drink and a bite to eat,” I said, smiling too. “I’m off duty.”
“Of course, come to the bar.”
I followed Hannah to the bar as the young waitress jumped up and acted busy when Hannah shot her a warning look. I sat on a bar stool and ordered the same beer Lee had offered me on Friday and a burger from the menu.
“How are you enjoying your stay in Packwood?” Hannah asked while Dustin poured my beer. My burger order had gone to the kitchen already.
“Very much,” I said. “I travel often for work but I don’t always feel as at home as I do here, for some reason.”
It was the truth. I had felt like a wandering soul often during the past year. Even my new home didn’t always feel like home. Sometimes I still felt like there was somewhere I needed to be, like I was stepping over the line somehow. I hadn’t once felt that way, here.
“Good,” Hannah said. “This town can be a bit much for some people.”
I didn't know how that was possible. Everyone seemed to be accepting and welcoming here.
New customers came in and Hannah excused herself to take them to a table. She was very involved in her pub and she seemed to know everyone by name. The men were smiling when she took them to a table and I watched as she flirted shamelessly with them, her smile and her words dripping with seduction. The waitress walked over to them when Hanna came back to the bar.
“Sorry, you were saying?”
“I was just talking about my stay, here,” I said.
“Right. Maybe we’re so used to being friendly to all the tourists, you’re getting the star treatment.”
“Or it’s because you have a pretty face,” Dustin said. Hannah and I both looked at him, surprised. Dustin had barely spoken two words to me when I had been here on Friday.
“What?” he asked, when we both stared. “She wouldn’t get that attention if she was a pot-bellied old man.”
I laughed. I couldn’t help it.
“No, but Hannah would have flirted with her,” the waitress said, joining us. Hannah looked mock-upset about it and the waitress laughed.
“I’m Holly,” she said to me.
“I’m Farrah.”
“Yeah, the photographer. I know.”
Right.
“That’s enough lip from the two of you,” Hannah said, sternly. She tried to look upset but the corners of her mouth curled into a smile and Dustin and Holly both laughed, bantering about not being scared of Hannah.
My burger arrived. It was monstrous, with a pile of fries that I would never finish.
“Are your portions always this big?” I asked.
“We give you what you pay for, honey,” Hannah said. “We don’t skimp around here.”
More customers walked in through the door and I watched Hannah as she escorted them to the table. She flirted with the men again, but women that were in the party didn’t seem to mind at all.
“That’s my cue,” Holly said, walking toward the table with menus. Hannah stayed while Holly took the order, talking and laughing, and flirting.
I watched her with envy. She spoke to men as if she was in control, laughing and joking and dishing out playful insults. Everyone was smiling and laughing.
Why couldn’t I be like that? Why couldn’t I talk to men like I knew I was irresistible? Hannah spoke like she knew they would think she was the best thing that had ever happened to them. It was confidence and a little cheek and everyone loved it. Even though she had to be much older than them and she wasn’t exactly a model. But her confidence made her attractive and I was jealous of how easy it was to her.
It had been hard for me to just speak to Lee, let alone what I had gone through to kiss him when I had. And here Hannah was, talking and laughing and flirting, fluent in a language that I knew nothing about.
I would get there eventually, I told myself. This was my journey. I was taking small steps and making progress and I was going to win this thing, even if it took me years.
Still, it would have been amazing if could have been like Hannah already. If I hadn’t met Jim, everything would have been different.
I stopped the thought pattern right away. Dr. Boyer had warned me about regretting the past. If I stopped to think about everything that had gone wrong, about all the years I had lost, I would end up resenting a lot of things. Resentment was dangerous. It would eat at my soul and it would make me bitter toward life.
It was better to keep my chin high and to look forward instead of back. It was all I could do, now. I had taken the steps I’d needed to take, I had seen the right people and I was moving on now. I was creating a new life for myself and that was the only thing I would allow myself to focus on.