Chapter 20
SAMANTHA
In the car heading back to the ranch, Eric is showing off about his new injury to his dad, giving me some time to myself to process what Weston told me. It all makes sense now. He still wears his wedding ring because he never got a divorce...he was torn from Cheryl before their time was up. He’s holding on to a woman that died four years ago.
Weston tries to catch my eye in the rear-view mirror, but I keep my gaze on the world outside. I don’t want to reveal how much our conversation has shaken me up. Somehow, it feels worse to be treading on a dead woman’s toes than a woman who is alive. How can I compete with years of happy marriage? It’s not like he got a divorce from someone who he doesn’t love anymore. It’s crazy to imagine a future with a man I’ve only just met, but I can’t help it. There are sparks flying left, right and center. How can I not question what comes next for us?
But his past complicates everything. If he’s not over Cheryl, maybe he never will be. How can I be with someone who won’t give themselves completely to me? It would be like dating Colin again - Weston’s mind is clearly elsewhere, just as Colin’s was. But we were so close to kissing... Does that mean Weston wants this to happen too? Or is he just looking for a distraction, knowing I’ll be out of his life in a few days anyway? The whole thing is enough to give me a headache.
We arrive at the ranch at the dusk. Madeline rushes out of the house to greet Eric and help him inside. She gives me a tired smile as I get out of the car.
“Are you staying for dinner, Samantha? I’ve made enough for everyone.”
I waver. Maybe I should end this whole thing now, head back to the hotel and never see any of them again. But I really don’t like the idea of leaving them. I know it will only get harder after more time in their company but with Eric’s injury and the almost kiss with Weston, it’s not a hard decision to stay one last time.
“I’d love to.”
Madeline nods, casting a guilty look in Weston’s direction. He looks at her coldly and Madeline heads inside. I catch up to Weston at the doorway.
“Is everything okay?” I ask him. He puffs out air through his nose. It’s clear he’s in a terrible mood.
“Fine. Just swell,” he says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. I’m starting to think I would have been better going back to the hotel, but it’s a bit late now. Weston shuts the door behind me and we head for the dining table.
Madeline has served up a real feast tonight. We’re having tacos. I suppose she did it to please Eric now that he’s home from the hospital. He digs in eagerly as though nothing happened today, while the rest of us were worried sick. Madeline fusses around me and Eric, making sure we have enough tacos, but she barely speaks to Weston while we eat. You could cut the tension with a knife in here, but I try not to focus on that. I chat to Eric cheerfully about going back to school and his favorite subjects in class. While he talks animatedly about it, I keep an eye on Weston and Madeline, trying to pick up on anything that might indicate why they’ve fallen out. But the pair remains in steely silence, eating their tacos without acknowledging anyone else.
As we finish up the meal, Madeline clears the table in a hurry. She’s making it pretty clear that she doesn’t plan to stick around for long the way she usually does. I want to ask her what’s wrong, but I know it’s not my place to be nosey. As close as I’ve grown to this family over the past few days, I’m still not a part of it. They can keep their politics between themselves, and I shouldn’t encourage them to be any different.
I’m about to find a way to excuse myself and head back to the hotel when I feel something nudge me under the table. I notice Eric, who is sitting opposite me, poking my knee with his good foot. He’s got a sweet pair of puppy dog eyes going on, his cheeks dimpled as he smiles.
“Samantha...can you read me a bedtime story tonight?”
I look at Weston for permission, but he’s not looking at me. He seems to be silently communicating with Madeline across the room in glares and frowns. I guess I could go upstairs to give them some space to talk things out before I go. I flash Eric a smile.
“Alright, let’s do this thing, little man. I’ll help you upstairs.”
Eric and I leave the kitchen and I sense the atmosphere shift as Madeline walks over to Weston. I definitely don’t want to get caught in the crossfire between them so I hurry upstairs, helping Eric hobble up each step. When we reach the top, he grabs my sleeve and guides me to his bedroom. I’ve never been inside it before, but it’s very much how I imagine my future kid’s room to be. He’s got a bookshelf brimming with books, and a toy chest that is so full that it won’t close. It’s relatively tidy in here and I’ll put that down to Madeline’s efforts, since from what I’ve seen, Eric isn’t the tidiest of kids. The theme of the room is dinosaurs, with cartoon T-rexes on his duvet cover and pterodactyl toys hanging from the ceiling in mid-flight.
Eric wastes no time brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed. As he hops into his bed, he looks very pleased with himself. I scan his bookshelf.
“Anything, in particular, you want to read?”
Eric shuffles to the end of the bed to look at the books available to him. He starts chattering about his favorite books to me, and I watch him in awe. He’s got so much confidence and charm at such a young age. I get a sense of longing in this moment. I’d love to be settled down right now, with a son and a husband to love. It was the dream that I thought died with my relationship with Colin. It was everything I planned to have with him, and I could never have imagined loving someone again after what he did to me. But being here with this sweet little boy gives me hope. Even if Weston and I never get together, at least I know there’s a chance I can feel this way again.
Eric takes a book off the shelf and hands it to me. “I finished the Monkey Pirates book yesterday with Madeline,” he tells me. “I want to start something new.”
“Well, then we’d best get to it,” I tell him, turning the book over in my hands. It looks like a fantasy story. Right up my street, at least. Eric props himself up on the pillows and waits attentively for me to begin. I sit down on the edge of his bed, filled with warmth. Some day, I’ll have a child of my own to read to. Maybe I’ll bring them to Colorado, so they can experience all the beautiful nature that surrounds Eric every single day. They will probably grow up in the city, but they will have an appreciation for places like this, just as I always have.
“Samantha?”
I realize that I’ve let myself retreat into my thoughts, while Eric is waiting for me to read. I smile sheepishly.
“Sorry...I got a bit distracted.”
“Samantha…can I ask you something?”
I shuffle nervously. I have a feeling Eric is going to ask me a difficult question. Has he sensed something is going on between me and his dad? Does he want to know what it is? I only wish I know the answer to that. “Of course.”
“Do you have any children?”
I frown in relief. That was easier than I expected. “Not yet...I would like to some day. Why do you ask?”
Eric shrugs. “I just wondered. I guess it can be a bit lonely around here sometimes. I thought you could bring them over to play.”
My features soften. I never thought it was lonely being the only child. Or at least, I never felt that way growing up. But then again, I was much more introverted than Eric is. I bet he’s the kind of kid at school who all the others want to hang out with. He’s the sort of little, adorable kid who the mothers all say will be a heartbreaker when he grows up. I guess he comes home from school and finds it all too quiet.
“You want a brother or sister, huh?”
Eric nods enthusiastically. “I want a younger brother so I can look after him and teach him everything. And then when he’s older, I’ll always have someone to talk to. I want Dad to find a new wife and then they can have a baby.”
I feel my cheeks flushing. Now, I think I understand why Eric has been so fond of me. He’s seen me and Weston getting closer, and he thinks that I’m going to slot into his family. I guess it makes sense that he would think that way. I’ve been around so much the past few days that it would make a lot of sense to him if I became a permanent fixture. Part of me wants to invest in that fantasy, too, but I’m terrified of getting hurt. I reach out to stroke Eric’s soft hair.
“Eric...you know that I’ll be going home soon, don’t you?”
Eric’s bottom lip trembles. “You don’t have to. We have lots of room here. You could stay forever.”
I glance at the doorway, partially hoping Weston might arrive and save me from this conversation. But he’s nowhere to be seen so I turn back to Eric, taking a deep breath.
“I can’t stay forever. I have a life back home. I have...I have…”
I pause. What do I have back home? I don’t have a job anymore. I don’t have a fiancé anymore. Hell, I don’t even have a home of my own after moving out of Colin’s apartment and in to Ashley’s. Sure, my parents are there, and Ashley, but is that enough for me to really want to go back to New Jersey? A horrible feeling dawns on me - there’s nothing keeping me there anymore. I guess that opens the world up to me, but that feeling terrifies me. If I don’t have a place that feels like home, do I really have anything at all?
“Well, anyway...I can’t stay here. It’s not my home. It’s yours, and your dad’s.”
“Why can’t it be yours too? I’ll be good, I promise! I’ll do all of my chores, and go to bed on time. We would have loads of fun all the time, and Dad might finally be happy.”
My heart aches. The fact that Eric has picked up on Weston’s sadness is painful. He must have spent all of his young life watching his father and wondering how to put him back together. He’ll never be able to understand the pain Weston went through after losing Cheryl. But what makes him think I’m the answer? I wonder whether something has changed since I arrived. I’d like to think I’ve made him happy, but it’s all just speculation.
I reach over to cup Eric’s cheek. “Darling, I know you want your dad to be happy. I know you want him to put the past behind him for the sake of your family. But these things...they need time. And it might seem like he’s taking too long...your whole life so far, in fact. But one day, you’ll understand what it’s like to lose someone who meant everything to you. And then you will understand why I can’t stay here. I’d be getting in the way of his healing process, and that’s not fair to him.”
Eric’s face is screwed up in sadness. “But will I ever see you again?”
“Maybe...maybe someday I will come and visit you. Would you like that?”
Eric nods, though he’s pouting his bottom lip. I smile. In all my time as a teacher, I’ve never met a kid quite as sweet as Eric. I open the book he handed me to the first page, hoping our serious conversation can be put out of his mind so that we can spend one last good evening together.
“Alright...chapter one.”
Eric rests his head on his pillow as I begin to read to him, his wide eyes watching me happily. By the time I’ve finished the first few pages, he’s fast asleep. I feel an ache in my heart, knowing I probably won’t come back here again. I whisper goodbye to Eric and leave the room with tears on my cheeks.
I don’t look back.