Chapter 21
WESTON
As Samantha takes Eric upstairs to read him a bedtime story, Madeline and I continue our staring contest across the table. Even after Samantha is long gone, we still carry on our silence, as though whoever speaks first is going to lose this impending argument.
To be fair, I can see Madeline’s point. She’s been trying from the start to support me, and I’ve been stubborn. I’ve closed my mind off to the idea of ever being happy or fulfilled. I avoided my feelings for Samantha because of it, and all along Madeline was right about that. But she’s still been meddling far too much. She’s not allowing me to move at my own pace. And despite how much Eric’s fall shook me up and made me regret arguing with Madeline, I’m still owed an apology from her. She folds her arms across her chest, raising an eyebrow at me.
“Well? I’m waiting.”
I raise my own eyebrow back. “Waiting? For what?”
“For an apology.”
I snort. “You started this. I’ll end it when you apologize to me.”
“I guess this is going to be a long night, then,” Madeline scoffs. “All I did, I did to protect you. To make you happy.”
“You’re so damn stubborn that you can’t see what you’ve done. You are capable of being wrong you know, Madeline. Most of the time, I trust you and support your decisions. But you deliberately ignored me when I asked you to back off. Multiple times. And then you pushed me too far by telling me I needed to move on faster...you’ll never understand what it’s like to lose someone in such a horrible way…”
“Oh, what the hell would you know?” Madeline snaps. I blink in surprise. I’ve never heard Madeline so angry. She places her hands on the table, her fingers threaded together, but she’s shaking in clear irritation. “I lost my husband when I was younger than you. He was my childhood sweetheart, the one and only love of my life. He was my everything. And then one day...poof. He was just...gone. We went to the beach on holiday, and he saw a child get caught in the currents. He swam out to save the child, but he...he drowned.”
I blink in horror, feeling nauseous. How could I know Madeline this long and never found out about her past? I’m so selfish, caught up in my own misery that I can’t even comprehend the struggles of others. Here I was, criticizing Madeline for trying to help me when really, she’s been the only person all along who can understand what I went through with Cheryl.
“Madeline...I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“Of course you didn’t. You never bothered to ask about my past. Why do you think your mother put us in touch? Why do you think I spend more time here than I ever do at home? I have nothing to go back to in that empty old house. Here is the only place I have found any sense of belonging for years.” Madeline stares into the distance. Her eyes have gone dark. “I’ve tried everything in the book to get over my husband, Weston. I spent years gambling in casinos in Las Vegas, trying to feel something again. I lost everything I owned, but it didn’t compare to the pain of losing him. When I got myself back on track, I did very extreme things. I volunteered in a refugee camp in Africa, I was part of a South Pole expedition - I would do anything just to feel alive again. So don’t tell me I don’t understand, because I understand damn well. And you know what I understand more than anything? That you never stop blaming yourself. You never allow yourself forgiveness for things out of your control. And then it eats you alive for the rest of your life. It stops you from finding happiness, finding peace. And that’s why I’ve been pushing you so hard. Because no one else will, and then you will end up bitter and alone forever.”
Madeline turns her gaze back to me, reaching for my hand across the table. “I want you to have a happier life than I did. I wasted so much of it being resentful about things out of my control. I strived for chaos to bring excitement to my life, and all it did was complicate things further. So when I saw Samantha, when I realized how good she would be for you, can you blame me for jumping on that chance for you? I knew you wouldn’t do it unprompted, so I had to give you a push.”
“Madeline…”
“You and Eric are the closest I have to family, Weston. I’ve spent so much time indulging in the idea of us being a family, but I’ve never tried to move on from my husband. It’s too late for me now, but it’s not for you. Don’t let her slip away just because you’re as stubborn as I am.”
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I can’t believe everything that she’s just told me. A tear runs down Madeline’s cheek, but she wipes it away so quickly that it’s like it was never there. I squeeze her hand.
“I’m sorry for what happened to you. I’m sorry I shouted at you…”
Madeline nods, blinking back tears. “It’s alright. I understand, I really do. But I just couldn’t hold back anymore…I needed you to know my side of the story. And I hope now, you can find a way to take my advice.”
I hang my head. “But it’s not that easy. You know that. You’ve known all this time.”
Madeline shrugs sadly. “Exactly. I don’t want history to repeat itself. I want you to look in the mirror and see a happy person looking back at you. And I think you know that these past few days, that’s what you’ve been doing. Don’t waste that feeling. Girls like Samantha don’t come around every day, honey.”
“I know...but what about Cheryl?”
“Do I really have to spell it out for you, Weston?” She cocks her head to the side. “She’s dead. I’m sorry, but she is. She’s dead and she’s never ever coming back. But you have years ahead of you. And you do have good things in your life. You have Eric, which I never did in the years following my husband’s death. You have other things to keep you happy. But it’s about questioning whether you could be happier. Could you be happier, Weston? Could Eric be happier too, if he had a new mother figure in his life? Someone who he can get attached to, someone to make him feel like a normal kid?”
I sigh. “Yes. I could. And Eric loves her already, that much is obvious. But what about Samantha? I don’t know. I like her, but...but…”
“But what?”
I look up to meet Madeline’s eyes. “She’s not Cheryl. She could never replace her. How do I know if she’ll be enough, after such a short amount of time? I guess what I’m saying is...diving in with someone new is a risk…”
“Weston…”
“...but is it worth the risk?”
“Weston,” Madeline hisses a second time, nodding toward the door. I look up and see Samantha standing by the door, looking shocked and hurt. I rise to my feet in an instant, gasping. I can’t believe she overheard this conversation. She’s going to take it entirely the wrong way. I take a step toward her, but she backs away slowly, her arms wrapped around herself protectively.
“I’ll see myself out,” she whispers. She nods towards Madeline. “It’s been nice to meet you.”
Madeline’s eyes are filled with sadness. “Now, wait a moment…”
“Don’t go, please,” I plead, taking another step toward her. “You’ve misunderstood the conversation completely.”
“I really don’t think I have,” Samantha says quietly. Then, before I can attempt to chase her down, she’s gone. Madeline grabs my wrist, holding me back.
“Don’t. She needs some time before you follow her.”
I’m about to argue with her again, but who am I to disagree with her? She’s been right on the mark every single time. I hear Samantha slam the door behind her, and I worry I’m listening to the sound of her walking out of my life forever.