Chapter 17
WESTON
This evening is magical. That’s the only word I can use to describe it. I can’t drink much since I’m driving, but Samantha’s presence is enough to make me feel drunk. She looks so beautiful tonight. Her makeup is subtle, bringing out the flecks of gold in her irises. She’s swept her hair up off her neck, exposing her skin. I think of all the places I’d kiss her, given the chance. Behind her ears. Along her collarbones. On her jawline. I’m hot under the collar just thinking about it, but I’m also enchanted by the conversation.
The more we talk, the more I realize we have in common. She’s a sports fan and has the same interest in baseball as I do. She loves nature and walking, of course, but she reveals to me the partying lifestyle she led when she was younger, the same as me. She takes the same level of interest in food and wine as I do, demolishing the Thai salad, the roasted duck in the orange bourbon sauce and the chocolate semifreddo that completes our meal. She drinks most of the bottle of wine on my behalf since I can only have one glass.
And all the while, I’m captivated by her. Every word she says delights me in one way or another. She’s sweet and delicate, but with a ferocious fire under the surface, and a wicked sense of humor. The more wine she drinks, the more she allows herself to come out of her shell too. She just has so much to talk about, but I know that tomorrow, she will be back to her quiet, apologetic self. It’s sad in a way, but I feel so lucky to have seen this side to her. It’s like watching a butterfly emerge from its cocoon, only for it to retreat again.
As we finish our meal, the string quartet finishes too. It’s close to midnight, and we’ve been sitting here for hours talking. Samantha is starting to look a little hazy, so I guess we need to leave soon. I pay the bill and help her up out of her chair. If she was struggling to walk before, she’s even worse now. She totters to the door, calling out a compliment to the band. I smile at Anna who winks my way. She knows the effect this place has on people. Does she realize how much tonight has made me want Samantha? Does she realize that tonight has ignited feelings in me that I thought I’d never have again?
The air is cold as we step out, and Samantha hasn’t brought a jacket with her. I shed mine without a word, wrapping it around her trembling shoulders. I make a step towards the car, but Samantha doesn’t follow. She’s staring out at the moonlit lake, her eyes glazed over in awe. I retreat back to her side, following her gaze to the water. I don’t know whether it’s intentional, but she shuffles closer to me so that we’re almost touching. Does she want me to touch her, I wonder? I could place my hands on her hips, my chin on her shoulder. I could press against her and give her my warmth so we could stay out here, enjoying the night. But each time I try to go for it, I can’t. Each time I do, I think of Cheryl, and I freeze. I can only imagine what Madeline would say if she was here now. Why can’t you let go, Weston? Why can’t you let yourself be happy? I wish I knew the answer, but in truth, I’m not sure I’ll ever know why I continue to punish myself. I didn’t make Cheryl happy. I wasn’t a perfect husband, but it was never intentional. So am I supposed to just accept misery forever? Or is there another way to live?
Could Samantha be the answer to my questions?
She shudders suddenly, retreating further into the warmth of my jacket. “I guess we should go,” she says eventually. Her hand falls lazily into mine and she pulls me along with her, suddenly confident with red wine coursing through her. I cherish the few minutes it takes us to get back to the car, Samantha leaning her weight on me to help her walk. This is the closest I’ll get to holding her for real. At least for tonight. I want to ask her to stay at the ranch, but I have no good excuse to do so. No, Samantha will stay at her hotel tonight, as much as it’ll pain me to be apart from her.
She snoozes as I drive, but when we’re close to the town, she sits up with a groan, looking confused and a little ruffled. She yawns.
“You should have woke me. I’m not exactly being good company,” she says. I chuckle.
“I always enjoy your company. Even when you’re snoring…”
“Hey! I do not snore…”
“You think so, huh? Well, it must have been Eric who woke me up the other night with his mammoth snores…”
Samantha hits my arm playfully and I laugh, shaking my head at her. She sighs to herself, looking out of the window.
“I’ve had the best night, you know,” she says quietly. “The best day, even. I loved the hike. I loved seeing Eric’s school. I just...I didn’t expect to feel so much happiness when I came on this trip. Even when we first met...I felt like a fool. But you guys have made me feel so welcome. I just...yeah.”
It’s not the best-articulated speech I’ve ever heard, but my heart is racing. She may have been slurring her words a little, but that speech came from the heart. It came from a familiar place, hitting every feeling that I’ve come to associate with her.
“I feel the same,” I say. “Samantha...I should tell you…”
I glance over at her, about to spill my soul to her. I want to tell her what she’s come to mean to me. But when I look closely, I see that she’s sleeping again. I chuckle to myself, shaking my head. If that’s not a sign from the universe, I don’t know what is. Maybe some things just aren’t meant to be.
When I pull up outside the hotel, Samantha wakes groggily, flashing me a dopey drunken smile.
“Thank you so much for tonight,” she says, reaching over to pat my arm a little awkwardly. “Sorry if I embarrassed you at all...I guess I drank a little too much.”
“Don’t worry, you could never embarrass yourself…”
“Except after getting lost in a forest and having to be rescued by you, right?”
I grin, though my heart isn’t in it. All this casual flirting and banter is tiring when I know it can never go anywhere. “Yeah...right.”
Samantha cocks her head at me. “Is everything okay? You’ve gone kind of...cold.”
I force a smile. “I’m just tired. Must have been the early start.”
“Gosh, we’ve been awake for such a long time...well, I’ll let you go.” She wavers. “Are you...are you busy tomorrow? If not, I thought maybe we could go for a picnic?” She pauses, looking nervous. “I mean, you definitely don’t have to. I know I’m hogging a lot of your time right now and that’s not fair, but I leave in a few days and I guess I just-”
“Samantha,” I say, cutting her off. “Of course I want to go on a picnic with you.”
Samantha’s face lights up. “Oh. Okay. Cool. So, I could come down the hill for midday? I’ll bring the picnic stuff!”
“Sure...works for me.”
Samantha’s cheeks are flushed, and she can’t seem to stop smiling. She hesitates again, looking like she wants to say something more. But then she just shrugs and steps out of the car. She looks back one last time before shutting the door and waving goodbye. I watch her in my rearview mirror as I drive away, wishing I could take her home with me.
When I arrive back on the ranch, Madeline is waiting up for me in the living room. I’m really not in the mood for one of her speeches, so I just shake my head at her, pouring myself a whiskey from the bar. Madeleine sighs, clearly frustrated at the lack of details I’m giving to her.
“Am I at least allowed to ask if you had a good time? Did you take her to the hut on the lake?”
“Yes, and yes,” I say simply, sitting down opposite her. Madeline bites her nails. She tells Eric off for doing the same thing, but she always does it when she’s at her most agitated. I’ve clearly riled her up.
“Come on, give me something. What did she wear? Was the food good? Did you kiss?”
“God, you’re like a gossipy teenager. Nothing happened, alright? It was just two friends getting some dinner together. I thought it would be a nice change after you dragged her to that bloody fair.”
“She loved it, Weston! It’s exactly her kind of thing.” Madeline gives me a teasing smile. “You’re just jealous that you didn’t think to invite her yourself.”
I scowl, sipping my whiskey. “Will you stop?”
“I’m looking out for you, Weston. I want you to be happy, and I don’t want you to throw away a perfectly good opportunity with a lovely girl for no reason!”
My breath catches in my throat. No reason? That’s what she thinks this is. I’m shaking now in anger. Madeline seems to realize her mistake, her smile falling.
“Weston...I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. No, you shouldn’t,” I reply quietly, a tremor in my voice. Madeline opens her mouth to speak again, but I stand up before she can.
“Thank you for looking after Eric. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Look, I-”
“I don’t want to hear it,” I say, leaving the room without another word. I know if I had stayed any longer, I would’ve fought with Madeline. As much as I respect and love her, she’s really challenged me these past few days. And as much as I’m aware that she has my best intentions at heart, she’s making everything so much harder.
I head into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Each beat of my heart alternates between two names - Cheryl, Samantha. Cheryl, Samantha. Why am I doing this to myself? I don’t deserve this kind of agony. I know it’s irrational to never move on. I know deep down that Madeline is right about this, as she is with many things. But I can’t escape this feeling. When I open my closet, half of it is filled with Cheryl’s old clothes. Under my bed, I have a box of memories that she collected - something I would never have bothered to do myself, and now is all I have left of her. When I look at my son, I see the ghost of the only woman I’m certain I’ve ever loved.
But Samantha...she complicates it all. I could love her, given time. But every time I think of her, Cheryl fights for attention. Can I still mourn her and love again? Am I my only limitation, or is it wrong to feel this way? Can you have two loves of your life?
I fall into bed, staring at the ceiling. I want someone to give me the answers. I want someone other than Madeline to validate my feelings. But how can I do that when I don’t even know if Samantha feels the same?
I take a deep breath that makes my entire body shiver. I know what I need to do.
I have to tell her how I feel.