Chapter 22
SAMANTHA
Anger. Frustration. Sadness. The feelings overwhelm me as I arrive back at the hotel. The receptionist on the front desk looks excited to see me at first, but her face falls when she notices my expression.
“Is everything okay, Miss Asher? Is there anything I can do for you?”
“I think I’ll be ordering room service,” I announce miserably. I need to eat a whole bunch of food to fix the way I’m feeling right now. The receptionist looks concerned.
“Will you let me know if we can do anything else for you? I don’t want to overstep, but-”
“I’ll be fine,” I say bluntly. I don’t want to be rude to this woman when she’s been so nice to me during my stay here, but I need to be alone right now. I need some time to process what I heard back at the ranch.
How do I know if she’ll be enough? Those words echo in my head as I walk up the stairs to my room. It’s one of the most insulting things I’ve ever heard someone say about me. How dare he assume that I’m not good enough for him? Well, maybe now I’ve decided that he’s not good enough for me. He can come here and beg for a second chance all he wants. I’m the catch, not him.
Except I’m fully aware that that isn’t going to happen. He’s not going to chase me down. He clearly doesn't think I’m worth the effort. I sigh as I open the door to my room. I keep telling myself not to cry. I only knew him a few days. We didn’t even share a kiss in the end. But after everything I heard him say, I can’t help being devastated. It feels like he’s been toying with me this whole time, trying to figure out if I’m worth any more of his effort. Well, I guess I made that decision for him when I walked out.
I look around my room and wonder how I’m going to distract myself for the rest of the evening. It’s not late, so it seems wrong to go to bed so soon. And I don’t want to be sitting around moping. I switch on the TV, order some dessert to the room and lie down, moodily staring at the screen. Room service arrives and I eat my food without even tasting it. Then, somewhere along the way, I start packing. I don’t know what made me start, but a subconscious part of me knows that I can’t stay here another day. Tomorrow, I’ll catch the first flight back to New Jersey, and I’ll attempt to forget the disaster that has been this trip.
Three weeks. Two heartbreaks. That’s just too much. Somehow I can’t decide which one hurts more. I hate myself for blindly assuming that men could be different. Maybe I made that mistake because Weston seemed so different to Colin, and I expected him to act differently because of it. Maybe it’s because it feels like Weston and I have crammed what feels like a whole phase of a relationship into a few days, getting so close to one another and then burning out within seconds. It’s left me feeling empty, tired, and unloved. I know I shouldn’t have blindly trusted this romance, this crazy buildup of emotions that have been entirely internal without any physicality. I’ve practically fallen in love with someone I knew nothing about! I put my head in my hands in shame. I always fall for the wrong guy. I guess I’m just destined to be on my own forever.
Next to me, my phone buzzes. It’s Ashley calling. I’m really not in the mood to speak to anyone, let alone her. She’s going to ask a lot of questions I’m not prepared to answer. But the feeling of loneliness takes over my sadness and I pick up the phone.
“Hey, girl!” she chirps right away. “How’s it going in your little Love Shack in the Rocky Mountains? Have you got any juicy details for me?”
I try to speak, but I end up bursting into tears. Ashley gasps on the other end of the line.
“What’s wrong, hon? Did he hurt you? I swear if he did, I’m going to come to Colorado and kick his ass.”
“He...he said he doesn’t...he doesn’t know if I’m good enough!” I gasp out, tears streaming down my cheeks. Ashley tuts on the other end of the line.
“Oh, honey. If he thinks that, he has no idea what’s good for him. You’re literally perfect. It’s all these dumb men who don’t recognize your worth. Not one of them deserves you.”
“But I thought...I thought this time might be different.”
“I did too, Sam. I was rooting for you. I prayed every night for you to meet someone amazing. But you know, there are plenty more fish in the sea. He’s clearly not worth your time.”
I appreciate her kind words, but they don’t make me feel any better. It hurts so much to ‘not be enough’. For the second time in a row. But the worst thing about Weston is there’s no one else in his life. I’m literally just competing with a woman who died four years ago. A woman I’ll never be able to match up to. I’m crying hard, now, and Ashley is making sympathetic shushing noises down the line.
“It’s alright, Sam...I mean, I know it’s not, but maybe this is for the best. You can come home and we start fresh, yeah? No men, just you and me and our crazy pajama parties. Everything will be okay.”
I sniff, wiping at my eyes. “New Jersey doesn’t even feel like home anymore, Ashley. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be here either, but a few hours ago, I was desperate to stay. Now, I know I just don’t belong anywhere. I don’t want to be anywhere.”
“Samantha, stop it. I won’t listen to you talking like this. You’re coming home, where you belong, where everybody loves you. That’s the place you want to be. Okay?”
She doesn’t get it. The place I used to call home is the place where Colin betrayed me. That’s tainted all my happy memories, even the ones before I met her. She’s had her fair share of hardships there, too, so I can’t understand why she isn’t listening to me. Wouldn’t it be better to start anew someplace where nobody knows you got jilted the night before your wedding? My heart is racing thinking of all the possibilities I have now. I know I’m experiencing a moment of madness, but I can’t bring myself to care. I just want to escape. I want out.
“Sam?”
I sigh. I can’t tell Ashley these thoughts that I’m having. She would never approve. She’d probably come out here and drag me home herself. I need to end this call before I say something I’ll regret. I take a deep breath.
“Yeah?”
“You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m going to be fine. A long bath and a glass of red will sort me out.”
“Are you sure?” Ashley asks, her voice clouded with suspicion. She can always tell when I’m acting shady. I need to stop speaking to her before I reveal my wild thoughts of jumping on a plane to the other side of the world.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll speak to you soon, okay?”
“Okay...call if you need anything.”
I hastily say goodbye and end the call. It’s not a complete lie that I just told her. I could do with a long bath to calm myself down. But one thing is almost certain - tomorrow, I’m not going home, and I’m not staying here either. I’m going to run somewhere until I can run no more. Maybe then, thoughts of Weston and Colin won’t follow me. Maybe there, I might actually find peace.
***
After the long hot bath I wrap myself in a fluffy bathrobe and snuggle up on the couch, trying to figure out what to do next. I could go to bed if I wanted to, but I’m still too wound up to think about sleep. I flick through the TV channels for a while. I try to read the book I brought with me. I consider painting my nails, just for something to do. But in the end, I settle for staring at the opposite wall, allowing my thoughts to collide in chaos. I’ve got men on my mind. Weston and Colin, in particular. Weston has taken over as a priority now as his betrayal is fresh in my mind. I’ve spent the past few nights fantasizing about him, wondering what he’s like in bed, imagining how his lips would feel if they trailed down my body. Most of my thoughts towards him now are aggressive, but it doesn’t mean those sexual fantasies have gone completely. If anything, they’ve grown more passionate, more frustrating. It’s hard to explain to myself why I would think that way about Weston when he’s hurt me so much, but still, I can’t stop it. Thoughts of his bare chest consume my mind. I think back to the dream I had of him riding his horse and it makes me hot under the collar. I’m blushing even though these thoughts are all private. I’m certainly ashamed of myself - after all he’s done, I should be angrier - but still, I don’t push the thoughts away.
It’s close to midnight when the hotel phone rings. I frown. Why would they ring me so late? My heart is pounding as I pick up the phone. The receptionist clears her throat nervously on the other end.
“Sorry to bother you, Miss Asher, but...he wouldn’t take no for an answer...he says you’ll want to hear what he has to say.”
I scoff to myself. There’s only one man it can be, and I’m not sure I want to hear what he has to say at all. But something inside me craves to see him one last time. One last time to hear his voice, smell his scent...maybe even feel the touch of his skin. And as much as I want to turn him away, my mouth betrays me.
“Okay. Send Mr. Redwood to my room.”