Chapter 19
WESTON
How did today go so wrong? It was meant to be about spending the day with Samantha like - I dare to say - a family. I was supposed to tell her how I feel. I should have got my first kiss with her by the lakeside and find out if there’s more for us. Instead, now I’m waiting in a hospital, while my son is being checked for an injury, and I’ve ruined my chance with Samantha. Not to mention falling out with Madeline, one of the only people in my life that I truly trust and love unconditionally.
Samantha has been very quiet this past hour, and I don’t blame her. She’s just seen a darker side to me. The side to me that pushed Madeline away when she was only trying to help, simply because I was angry about her meddling the night before. I was so cold with her that I’m not certain our relationship is reparable.
I close my eyes, trying to fend off a headache that’s settling behind my eyes. I know I’m overthinking everything that has happened here today, but I can’t help wondering if this whole thing was a sign that I’ve done something wrong. Is this a punishment from the universe for pursuing Samantha? Was I wrong to think I should be allowed to move on from the traumas of my past with someone new? The moment I went to kiss Samantha, everything fell apart. Now my son may have a broken ankle. Is it my fault?
I’m a bad parent, for sure. I should have been keeping an eye on him while he played. I told him once not to play on the log, but maybe I should have been sterner. Maybe I should have been there holding his hand to stop him from venturing off. Instead, I was stuck in my own little fantasy, desperate to impress Samantha. Look where that’s got me.
I feel a soft hand slip into mine and I sigh. I don’t want Samantha to try and comfort me right now. I need to think about the error of my ways and figure out whether I need to cut myself loose. Deep down, I know it was just an accident. Deep down, I know there are always risks when kids are playing out in the wild. It could’ve happened to anyone. And yet, I’m not done blaming myself. Maybe I never will be. I’ve gotten so good at it over the past four years that it’s almost second nature - it makes so much sense to me now that I don’t know how to act any different. First, it was Cheryl, and now it’s this. I’m blaming myself for trying to find a shred of happiness for myself, but is that so selfish, really? If everyone else can look out for themselves, why can’t I?
“Weston?”
I shake my head. I don’t want to say another word. Every time I talk to Samantha, I admit things that I haven’t spoken about to anyone else. I can’t stand the idea of spilling all my thoughts to her again. Luckily, before I have to respond, the doctor emerges from the room where he took Eric. I’m on my feet in an instant, staring at him expectantly. He gives me a reassuring smile.
“It’s nothing too serious. The X-ray shows no breakage. Your son only suffered mild tendon pull,” the doctor informs me. “The nurse will soon apply anti-inflammatory cream and bandage his ankle, then we can discharge him home. I would just suggest he rests for a week before he heads back to school.”
“Thank you so much, doctor,” I say, reaching out to shake his hand. He nods to me with a kind smile.
“No problem at all. Young Eric will be back with you in no time.”
I let the doctor go, though I’m desperate for more information. Samantha stands up and puts a comforting arm around my shoulder and that’s almost enough to slow my pulse to a more normal rate.
“Hey...he’s going to be fine. You can relax.”
I sink back into my seat, covering my face with my hands. Samantha rubs comforting circles on my back and after a few minutes, I manage to pull myself together enough to look up at her. She looks concerned, but she forces a smile for my benefit. I sigh.
“I don’t deserve your sympathy. I’m a bad father.”
“You’re not,” Samantha whispers. I expect her to continue arguing, but she doesn’t. She seems to realize that she’s said enough to console me, for now. I reach for her hand, but I can’t look her in the eye. Not yet. I have some things I need to get off of my chest first.
“Back at the lake, when we heard Eric fall in...I felt like I was transported to four years ago. Back when...back when my wife died.”
Samantha nods quietly. For her, it must feel like the pieces of a puzzle are finally coming together. Her hand squeezes mine, but I don’t want her to be sympathetic. Not when she doesn’t know the full story. I take a deep breath and continue.
“She died of injuries in a car crash. I wasn’t there when the accident happened, but I haven’t stopped dreaming of it since. Eric was too young to remember it, but I know it affects him. He wants a mother, just like everyone else he knows. We have Madeline, but of course, it’s not the same. He’s growing up without a mother figure and there’s nothing I can do to fix that.”
“I’m so sorry, Weston.”
I let out an agonizing sigh, wishing I could somehow dislodge this pain that’s settled in my chest. Talking about it feels as awful as visiting Cheryl’s grave in New York.
“I’ve let one person slip through my fingers before. I never cherished Cheryl the way I should have. Of course, I loved her with all my heart but I never gave her enough of my time, and I never appreciated the moments we shared. I realized after a long time that even low moments are better than sharing no moments at all. When she died, we moved here because that’s what she always wanted to do. She always dreamt of living somewhere remote. She loved the Rocky Mountains and wanted us to escape the hectic life and focus on ourselves. But I was too busy making more and more money - as if we needed it. Only when she was gone did my priorities change dramatically. I wanted nothing to do with Redwood Capital anymore. It was just a constant reminder of all the time it took away from my family.” I sniff, holding back the tears. “When Eric fell...I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he’d hit his head, or that the injury was more serious. I was scared that I was going to lose someone else.”
“Weston…”
“And then I couldn’t bear the idea that I would have spent his final moments focusing on someone else. Which is ridiculous, because I have never let anybody in. I haven’t done for the past four years, and it’s been so fucking lonely. I knew no one would ever replace Cheryl, and that was never my intention. I just wanted to spend time with someone who understood me, someone who made me smile...and then, just when I thought I could do something for myself…” I shake my head again. I feel Samantha’s hand slip from mine. She clearly doesn’t know what to say to me. I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t either. I open my eyes to meet her gaze, fixing her a desperate look.
“Please don’t take that the wrong way...but you could leave at any moment. You’re meant to be leaving in a few days, anyway. Madeline could keel over at any time, too. And without you two, who else is there? What I’m trying to say is...Eric is the one person who means so much to me that if I lost him...I think I’d die. He’s the only part of Cheryl left. He’s the only good thing I have to show for my life.” I pause. “That is...he was the one good part of my life.”
Samantha looks at me with a questioning expression. All I’ve done is succeed in confusing her even more. I want to tell her that she’s changed my perspective. She’s come to mean so much to me in such a short space of time. But as I open my mouth to speak, the nurse emerges from behind the corner with a limping Eric in tow. I rush to hug my son hard, squeezing him so much that I’m scared I might be hurting him. The nurse chuckles.
“Eric is going to be fine. He’s got some swelling, but I’ll give you a cream to combat it. Other than that, it’s a case of waiting.”
“They did an X-ray, Dad! It was really cool!” Eric says, all his fear from earlier gone completely. I tut at him and hug him again, glad to have him back in one piece. As I straighten up, the nurse hands me the cream I need to use and I put it in my pocket for safe keeping. I reach down to take Eric’s hand, but he’s already hobbled over to Samantha to show off his bandage. Samantha gasps and fusses over him while Eric looks pleased with himself. The nurse chuckles again.
“Kids, eh?” She pats my arm. “You did good bringing him in. Most parents would have tried to treat him at home, but it’s always best to check with a doctor, no matter what. Eric’s a lucky little boy.”
It takes my breath away to hear a stranger say those words. It’s one thing Samantha telling me I’m a good dad to save my feelings but from anyone else’s mouth? It feels really good. I thank the nurse and then head back to Eric. We leave the hospital and a relief starts to spread through my body. One thing’s for sure - there’s not a person alive I would rather have accompanied me here than Samantha. And as hard as it is, I have to let her know what she means to me.