Chapter Nineteen
Sawyer
Kurt held my hand as we drove out to my parents’ house in my rented car. George was at the bus with Frank. My parents wouldn’t want a pet in their home. I was nervous bringing Kurt around them. Hopefully things would go well. It was a coin toss what mood my parents would be in. Cameron had called earlier to congratulate us. My brother meant everything to me. My phone rang, and I put the call through over the speakers in the car, smiling at the name on the display.
“Hey, Knoah. You’re on speaker.”
“Oh my gosh! Is what I’m seeing in the papers real? Did he finally man up?”
Kurt replied, “Hey, I resent that. But yeah, I got my head out of my ass.”
“Good. I wish I was there to hug you guys. Garrick told me not to call and meddle, but ya know…sometimes I’m not a good listener.”
I smiled, happiness filling every molecule of my body. “Thanks, Knoah. We’re about to tell my parents and see how they’re doing with the move.”
That morning, I had tried to call Mom to confirm about us coming. I’d confirmed everything with her before I left, but with Kurt coming, I wanted to check. Service was sketchy out at the house, and for the past week or so, I hadn’t heard much from them. Moving took a lot of time—I understood that.
“Tell your parents I said hello.”
“I will.”
I heard a knock on her side of the call. “I hate to cut this short, but I’m late for a meeting. I’ll call you later and we’ll for sure do girls’ time. Wine and pizza next time you’re in town. I’ll clear my schedule.”
Since Knoah had come back from Christmas break, she’d started working again at Shaw International. In some sense, she used work to cope with the loss of her baby. I hated that for her. Why bad things happened to good people was beyond me.
“Will do. Give Garrick hell for me.”
She giggled. “I will. I need to go. Miss you lots.”
“Miss you, too. Talk soon.”
“Sounds good, Sawyer.”
The wooden two-story cabin came into view. I still hated coming here—I had ever since Mattie died. But it felt like my penance to face for what I’d done, so I forced myself to keep coming year after year. It served as a reminder of why I did not deserve children.
Kurt pulled into the driveway. “You okay?”
I took a deep breath. “I will be.”
Kurt’s eyebrows drew together. I knew it was an odd statement. And later I would try to explain more. Thankfully, my mother walked out onto the front steps as I opened the car door. Whew, it’s cold. The fresh snow crunched under my shoes. I waved. “Hey, Mom. I have some exciting news!” Her cane was gone and her limp wasn’t as noticeable. “Your cane? You’re walking so much better. The mountain air is doing you good.”
“I wasn’t expecting you. You’re in Denver?”
I froze as an uneasy feeling came over me. This felt all too familiar. “Umm…we talked about it in Florida before I left. I reminded you last week, too. I called this morning and even sent a couple of texts.”
“I guess it slipped my mind.”
Worried, I stepped closer to her. “Are you okay? What did I do?”
Patting her head as if to check her hair, my mother looked at me with dead eyes. “It’s fine, Sawyer. I’m sorry you drove out all this way, but right now is not a good time. We’re tired from the move.”
These were the same type of excuses I’d gotten before. Any time I suggested wasn’t a good time. Nervously, I looked back at Kurt, hating that he was seeing this. Of course, he joined me, but I couldn’t see his eyes behind his sunglasses. A bit of warmth comforted me when he wrapped his arm around my waist.
My mother followed the movement. “Are you guys together now?”
“Yes, just last night. I wanted to tell you and Dad over brunch. I brought pastries and some other goodies I know you like.”
She nodded. “Congratulations. Maybe another time would be better.”
It was as if any progress I’d made was gone. Deflated, I said, “I’ll leave the pastries with you.”
Without a word, Kurt got the basket out of the car and handed it to Mom.
“Thanks, Kurt. We appreciate the thought.”
“It was all Sawyer’s idea—she handled everything. It was meant for us to share together while Sawyer shared the news she thought you would want to know.”
Giving a tight smile, my mother turned and walked into the house without looking back.
“Why is this happening again? I don’t understand what I’ve done.”
Over the last two weeks, I’d tried to think of anything I missed—birthdays, anniversaries, promises I’d made. Nothing came to mind. I couldn’t think of anything I’d done. Nothing.
“Sawyer, let’s go.”
I stared at the front door, unmoving. Kurt had managed to get me to take a few steps backward when my father opened the door and stepped outside. “What’s going on, Dad? I don’t understand what I’ve done this time. I thought things were better.”
My father’s face was emotionless. “Sawyer, you don’t have to know everything that happens in our lives. We’re fine. But coming here unannounced shouldn’t happen. You haven’t lived with us for a long time.”
Ouch.
I stood, stunned, as my father turned away from me. Anytime something good happened to me, there was always a swift reminder that I didn’t deserve it.
Kurt cursed beside me. “Come on, Sawyer. Let’s go.”
Stiffly, I got in the car, facing forward and trying not to cry. Kurt had been around my parents enough to notice the difference today. He’d come into my life when they were loving and kind. No one but Cameron knew about this behavior. Even Knoah thought we had the perfect life—but it was all for show. My throat grew thick with the tears I was holding back.
Kurt maneuvered the car out of the driveway. “I don’t know what to say, Sawyer. I’m not even sure I understand what I just witnessed. Is your mom okay? Do you think your dad has done something to her?”
“No, I doubt it. From time to time, they get like this with me. It’ll pass. Things will go back to normal. I’ll just leave them alone until they reach out.”
“Sawyer, what do you mean, ‘they get like this’ with you? They can’t treat you like that.” Kurt’s voice was clipped, and his knuckles were white where he gripped the steering wheel.
I turned to him with a shrug as I shrank into my seat. “They can. I deserve it. It’ll be fine.”
He shoved his sunglasses on top of his head, and I saw how mad he was. “No. No, you don’t. Why would you say that?”
With a sigh, I realized it was better to tell him now rather than later. If he changed his mind about me because of my past, it would hurt less now. “Because I killed their granddaughter, and they blame me for my sister’s death.”
“Shit.” Kurt pulled over to the shoulder and grabbed his phone. “Edge, I’m going to miss rehearsal. Something’s come up. Yeah, she’s fine. With me. There’s something I need to handle. Thanks. I owe you.” He ended the call and pulled out into traffic.
“What are you doing?” I started to panic.
“Edge and the guys will handle getting the settings right while we talk.”
I played with my fingers, afraid to face him. “You don’t need to miss it. I’ll be fine. And if you’re going to break up with me, just do it now.”
“I’m missing it. End of story. And I don’t care what you tell me, I’m not breaking up with you.”
Something flickered and warmed within me, but I was afraid to get my hopes up. “Where are we going?”
“Back to the bus, where I know we’ll be alone and able to talk freely.”
Thirty minutes later, we pulled up to the bus. Kurt grabbed my hand. “Let me call Waldo to make sure we’re not disturbed.”
“Okay.”
Frank met me at the door. “Back so soon? I was about to take George for a walk.”
“Thanks, Frank. You don’t have to.”
“I’d like to, if it’s okay.”
I bent and patted George’s head. “I’m sure he’d like it. Have a good walk.”
“Thanks, Sawyer.”
I took off my jacket and hung it in the little closet at the front of the bus. Then I sat on the sofa, too nervous to do much else. A few minutes later, Kurt came on, shrugged his jacket off, and came to sit beside me.
I fidgeted with my fingers for a minute before starting the story. “The Christmas of my senior year, my parents bought that cabin. My older sister, Adriane, had a little girl when she was in high school. That Christmas, Mattie was eight. Cameron and I took her out exploring. Mattie was energetic and overwhelmed Adriane a lot. My parents treated her like a nuisance.”
My voice caught. “We found an abandon barn that had been converted into a cabin. Mattie and I were upstairs. She was dancing on the balcony when it collapsed. I grabbed her, but she couldn’t stay still. Cameron tried to make it up to us, but she slipped from my fingers and died.”
The first tear fell. Kurt was about to speak, but I shook my head. “There’s more.” Another tear fell. “After that I became an outcast. I went to college, but I wasn’t welcome at any family functions. If I was invited, Adriane would yell terrible things at me the entire time. But I took it. I deserved it. A year later, Adriane committed suicide, blaming me. What you saw today was my life for a while. Then…one day…my parents snapped out of it and things were better. If it hadn’t been for Cameron, I don’t know what I would have done. At least they spoke to me today.”