Chapter Three
Sawyer
It was early evening before I pulled up to the small cottage I’d rented on the beach in Destin. The six-hour drive from Orlando with the windows down and the music blaring had done wonders for my mind. As I got out of the car, I paused. For the next few nights, this two-story white home would be my paradise. It was private, on the beach, and had a pool. Heaven.
The pictures on the web hadn’t done justice to the inside of the house. The nautical theme gave it a spa-like feel. The clean lemon smell added to it. The master bedroom faced the ocean. The best part about this place was the fact that there wasn’t a balcony. After the accident, I hated balconies. I shuddered, remembering my niece falling to her death from one. The pain still seared through me as I could still hear the bloodcurdling screams that had come from her when I lost my grip.
I closed my eyes as the memory washed over me.
We’d been in Colorado, exploring the woods around my parents’ newly acquired home during Christmas break of my senior year in high school. Cameron had flown in from college as a surprise. I’d instantly loved it out there. The smell of the evergreens had filled the air. It had felt like we were isolated from the world.
My sister, Adriane, had needed a break from her daughter, Mattie. My eight-year-old niece was a handful at times. She’d been a surprise for my sister, who found herself pregnant when she was seventeen. The father wasn’t part of the picture, probably because of my parents. They had an image to maintain, and an unplanned pregnancy did not fit their projection of the perfect family. I remembered Adriane wasn’t allowed to go outside when she started to show. And after that, Mattie was referred to as a visiting relative, never a granddaughter. Adriane had stayed home so everyone else—meaning Cameron and I—could take care of Mattie. But I’d loved Mattie and knew I would miss her terribly when I started college. We’d been beyond close. That day in Colorado, I’d suggested Cameron and I take Mattie out to burn off some energy.
A mile or so away from the main house, we’d come upon an abandoned cabin and had to explore. Mattie and I had been up in the loft looking around. A door had led to a small private balcony.
“Mattie! Don’t play too close to the edge.”
She’d continued to twirl in her princess dress. “It’s okay. This is my stage.”
With me heading to college in the fall, I’d tried to spend as much time with Mattie as possible. I’d smiled, watching her dark curls bounce around her as she danced.
“Sawyer, you need to see this,” Cameron called from below.
I’d leaned over the rail. “Be down in a sec. Let me grab Mattie.”
It had all happened in slow motion. The sound of cracking wood had hit me right before the balcony collapsed. Mattie’s screams had filled the air as I’d run to the balcony door. Her body had disappeared.
“Mattie! Mattie!”
I’d crouched down and seen Mattie hanging on to a broken piece of wood. Eyes wide, she’d stared up at me. “Sawyer, I can’t hold on.”
On instinct, I’d lain flat and stretched over the side. Jagged pieces of wood cut into my skin. “Grab my hand, Mattie!”
Cameron had yelled from down below, but I had to focus. Mattie’s little hands had kept reaching for mine, and finally I’d grabbed her. But the angle had made it hard to hoist her up. “Cameron, I need your help!”
“Save me, Sawyer! Save me!”
Her fingers had begun to slip from mine. Earlier she’d lathered them with lotion. With all my might, I’d gripped harder as her fingers had become more slippery.
“Sawyer! Sawyer!” In her fear, Mattie had begun to thrash her little legs.
“Be still, Mattie. Cameron is coming.” I’d squeezed tighter.
“Sawyer!”
“Hold still, sweetheart.”
Mattie had slipped even further, and panic ensued. I’d yelled, “Cameron! Hurry!”
We’d cringed from the sound of a crash from the other room, and I’d tightened my hold. I’d had only the tips of Mattie’s fingers. Tears had streamed down her face, and my heart broke. I couldn’t lose this little girl. I’d begged, “Hold on, Mattie. Please stop moving.”
In the blink of an eye, she’d completely slipped out of my grasp and fallen.
Her screams had echoed throughout the cabin.
I took a calming breath as I pulled myself out of the memory. The picture of Mattie lying crumpled on the ground with a broken beam of wood piercing her small body still haunted me. If only I’d been stronger, Adriane might not have blamed me for everything and committed suicide. Tears pricked my eyes. After Mattie, I became an outcast to everyone in my family except Cameron. At least I had him.
My phone vibrated. It was Kurt. For once, I welcomed him as a distraction.
Kurt: Did you make it?
Me: Yes, just a bit ago. Getting settled.
Kurt: Does anyone know where you’re staying?
Me: I haven’t sent the address to anyone if that’s what you mean.
Kurt: Can I have it, just in case?
This was what perplexed me about Kurt—he truly cared, yet he denied himself any happiness we could have had together.
Me: I’ll email it to you.
Kurt: What are you doing this evening?
Me: Pajamas. Movie. Bed. I’m too wild for my own good. You?
Kurt: I talked Knoah into some mint chocolate chip cookies. Can I call you?
I blew out a breath.
Me: Sure.
The phone rang, and I sat on the arm of the chair in the bedroom. “Hello?”
“Hey.”
For a moment, there was nothing but silence.
“Everything okay?”
“Umm…yeah. Can I ask you a question?” There was a vulnerability in his voice I hadn’t heard before.
“Sure.”
“Did you leave because of me?”
I wanted to be truthful. “Partly. And for me.” I paused, but he said nothing. “I can’t keep doing this, Kurt.”
“I thought we were good. Things are back to how they were before I fucked it up.”
Fucked it up. Not exactly the words a girl wanted to hear after the best sex of her life. I needed to know. “Are we ever going to be more than friends? Or was LA just a meaningless fuckfest?”
“Sawyer…I…we…it was a mistake. You’re too important.”
The words killed me. “Then I need you to let me go. Completely. Only be my friend and roommate. Stop sending confusing signals. Treat me like you treat Knoah. It’s making me crazy.”
There was another pause. “I told you, I’m not what you’re looking for. I’m just looking out for you.”
I huffed. “Maybe you should let me decide this. I’m a grown woman and can choose who I want to fuck, Kurt. Stop acting like I’m some fragile china doll.”
“Sawyer…I just can’t. I would only hurt you.”
“Thanks, roomie.” I knew I was being immature, but it was the only way to hide the hurt. A lump formed in my throat. “Bye, Kurt.”
For a moment, a deep sigh was his only response. Then, he said, “Goodnight, Sawyer.”
After I hung up, I let the sobs come.
Why does it hurt so bad?
I blinked a few times to try to hold back the tears, but it was no use. What did you think would happen? He’d beg you to be his? Don’t be stupid. He’d told me in LA that it wasn’t a permanent thing. I thought our nights together might have changed his mind. But all along, he had been nothing but honest with me. “This is only for the week, Sawyer. I can’t promise anything past this week.”
My phone rang again. Knoah’s name appeared on the display.
Impeccable timing.
I cleared my throat and answered, “Hey there.”
“Hey, Kurt said you left for a mini vacation before the big road trip across America.”
Furiously, I wiped at a few escaped tears. “Yeah, I rented a small cottage on the beach. It’s cute.”
“Listen…I heard Kurt’s side of the conversation from the other room.”
The damn tears started again. “You know…sometimes, I think dealing with that crazy Elvis-loving woman and finding a ring-bearer monkey was easier than dealing with him.”
Not too long ago, Knoah and I had worked together at As You Wish Event Planning. Out of the blue, our boss had turned from amazing to raging bitch in a nanosecond. Without any notice, she fired us both and then was killed in a robbery. It was just terrible.
Knoah chuckled. “So much has happened since those days. It’s hard to believe.”
“It is.” I rubbed my forehead, unsure of what to say.
“Sawyer, for what it’s worth…I do think he cares about you, but it’s tough for him. Kurt’s never told me much, but I’ve seen him keep everyone he’s ever cared about—except Dylan, me, and now you—at a distance. He’s scared. I’m sure of it.”
My throat grew thick. “I need to move forward. He doesn’t want to give us a chance.”
“I know. I heard. As soon as he hung up, he left to go back to your apartment. He’s being a stubborn ass.” She huffed. “Do you want some advice?”
“I’d love it.”
“Don’t lose yourself in all this. When Garrick and I got married, I nearly did at one point. If you don’t have yourself, having Kurt won’t mean a thing.”
I missed me. Since my life had intertwined with Kurt’s, I’d become consumed with wanting him to see how good we would be together. “You’re right.”
“Of course. I’m your best friend.”
I giggled. “Thanks, Knoah.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“Eat my weight in ice cream. Get my head and heart prepared for the trip.”
“Oh man, I should have sent some mint chocolate chip cookies with you. You could always back out.”
“I could. But I won’t. I love my job and the connections it brings. I’ll be fine. Promise.”
“I know you will. Call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
“Bye.”
I hung up and looked out at the ocean, searching for answers. As the waves crashed in, I felt my insecurities breaking apart. After all, I was Sawyer fucking Wade. Life was something I lived, and I refused to let it pass me by while I moped around.