Chapter Forty-Two
Sawyer
Looking through photo albums of my childhood was a little bittersweet. Seeing them with fresh eyes, I realized I’d never truly seen how distant my parents were. Cameron and I were always hugging with huge smiles on our faces. Mom and Dad appeared to be posing for a magazine article or photo shoot. Adriane was sour. Then Mattie had come into the picture and filled my life with more sunshine.
It was a miracle Cameron and I were somehow as functional as we were. As we were growing up, Nan had been a blessing. Sweet Nan. When I was twelve, she’d had a heart attack and things had never been the same.
I used to call Mattie my little ray of sunshine. There were so many pictures of us that Cameron had taken. Me giving her a bath, feeding her, reading her stories, teaching her how to ride a bike. They were endless. None of the pictures with Mattie included my parents. Adriane was only in a couple, looking disinterested while reading a book. She’d been near-genius according to her testing scores and had grown bored quickly.
I flipped the page and found a rare picture of her smiling. That had been a good day—we’d gone for snow cones. Is this part of her bipolar disorder? It explained a lot about her severe mood swings, especially directed at me. I wondered how long my parents knew. Did Adriane want to be committed?
I had so many questions, yet no answers. It had been nearly two weeks since my parents had disconnected their phone and we hadn’t heard a word from them.
It wasn’t until I’d distanced myself that the realization of how cold my childhood had been hit me. Yet I longed for my family in some ways, despite their cruel behavior. In time, I’d work it out.
My phone vibrated with a text from Knoah. For the last couple of weeks, she’d been checking in or stopping by daily to see how I was.
Knoah: Are you up for a visit?
Me: Sure. I’m in the office. Just use the key so I don’t have to get up. I’m being lazy.
A few minutes passed as I continued to flip through the photo album. At some point, I needed to stop torturing myself and focus on getting ready for Dylan. I was still handling the band, which kept me busy. Most days I worked at the studio while they worked on their upcoming album. Found was nearly complete and would be released soon. Since it was Saturday, I was taking it easy at the apartment. Kurt had taken George to the studio with him. I think the guys secretly missed him.
I heard the footsteps in the hallway before Knoah walked in the room, ready for the day in cute capris with a dressy shirt. “Hey, what are you doing?”
“Kurt went to the studio. I decided to look at some family photos. It just feels like my entire childhood was a lie. And I’m trying to decipher what’s real and what’s not.”
Knoah sat next to me and brought her knees to her chest. “Tell me about it. I remember thinking, ‘How could my parents keep the story of how I came to be their child secret?’”
I took a deep breath. “How did you get past it? Your parents—both sets—are amazing. Mine are cold, lifeless fish who hid their daughter.”
She took a moment to answer. “One step at a time. That’s all you can do. My therapist helps a lot, though. For instance, I felt guilty for falling in love with Garrick and betraying Dylan even though he was dead. In my mind, there should only ever be one true love, and what I felt for Garrick was on a different level. Doesn’t make my love for Dylan less or discredit our time together. It simply means I was one of the lucky few who has had the love of two men.”
“And how would you look at my situation? How do I turn it around and make it positive?”
She rested her head on her knees and looked my way. “Maybe you were in your parents’ lives to give Mattie a wonderful childhood. If you’d left, what would her life have been like? You said your Nan didn’t have kids. Maybe she wasn’t meant to so she could give you all her love.”
“A trickle-down effect?”
“Maybe.”
I thought about it. Mattie’d had a wonderful childhood, and I’d been able to give her that. It made all the other things fall in line a little more. “I get it. That does help. It gives what I endured a purpose.”
“Exactly.”
It felt as though the gray cloud looming over me was starting to dissipate some.
Knoah took a deep breath. “Are you upset I didn’t tell you about your parents?”
Over the last two weeks, we’d tiptoed around the subject. “At first, I was hurt. But I get the reasons behind it. You thought they weren’t involved.”
“Yes. It didn’t feel right to accuse them when I thought they just needed money. Have you heard from them?”
I looked at the closed photo album, hating that they affected me this way. “No. Cameron said they disconnected their phone. He flew to Denver yesterday. Today he’s visiting Adriane. I’m not sure what to expect.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“I hope he gets some answers. It would be nice to have some sort of reasoning behind everything that’s happened. I’m angry. Adriane was terrible to me growing up. But I kept a smile on my face and moved forward. When Mattie came into the picture, she left me alone because she wanted me to take care of her kid.”
I put the photo album on the shelf. When I had dealt with my feelings more, I would decide on what to do with some of the pictures. I stretched and turned to Knoah. “Want some lunch?”
“Sure. First, can I get your opinion on some floor samples for the new house?”
“Oh, I definitely want to see.”
Knoah and Garrick’s new house was spectacular. At some point, Kurt and I needed to decide where we wanted to live. Knoah and I walked down the hall to their apartment. I would miss being so close when they moved out. I loved being Knoah’s neighbor.
Their apartment was relatively quiet when we walked in. “Where’s Garrick?”
“Working.”
“That man needs some excitement in his life. I may send a belly dancer to his office for his birthday.”
Knoah laughed. “I can’t imagine the look on his face. If you do, I have to be there to see it.”
“Of course.”
We walked down the hall to the sitting room. Knoah opened the door, and a chorus of women yelled, “Surprise!”
Friends and family members stood in a semicircle with smiles on their faces.
“What is this?” I asked.
Lana beamed and gave me a hug. “A baby shower! Knoah thought Dylan needed some presents. And as his grandmother, I couldn’t agree more.”
“Oh my gosh!” I gasped and put my hand to my mouth. “This is for me?” I turned to Knoah. “You are amazing. Thank you! Thank you to everyone for coming.”
Nina rushed up to give me a hug. “I’ve missed you. When Knoah called me, I was so excited. I stopped by the studio on the way here and saw Kurt had brought George. I’m pretty sure Edge has been missing him.”
I snapped my fingers. “I knew it!”
Monica was next. I was shocked to see her. “I thought you went to Denver.”
“I couldn’t miss my sister-in-law’s baby shower.”
Her words filled me with joy.
Knoah’s mother brought her granddaughter, Kimberly, who wore a pretty dress and curls in her hair. “We are so happy for you.”
“Can I feel your tummy?” the little girl asked.
“Of course. But so far, I’m the only one who’s been able to feel the baby. Any day now, people should be able to feel him kick, too.”
Kimberly put her hand to my stomach, and my heart soared. Children were precious—a true miracle. Mattie would have loved being part of this.
Chelsea from As You Wish Planning tapped my shoulder. “Chelsea! Where have you been? My word, I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too. I’m working as a planner with another event planning firm now. And your favorite bridezilla—the one with the monkey—came by.”
I gasped, thinking about that horrible wedding. The lady was cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. “No!”
She giggled, nodding. “Yes! Apparently, the second coming of Elvis is inside her. She wanted me to plan a baby shower. And you will not believe what she requested.”
“A monkey?”
“Yes! The monkey was supposed to hang out at the shower in an Elvis costume. I politely declined and moved on. What a nightmare.”
I laughed, thankful I would never have to deal with that crazy lady again. “That was absolutely the most wretched affair I ever worked on. Everything was in increments of nine. We cut nine inches of ribbon until I wanted to stab myself with the scissors.”
I looked at the little girl with her big eyes staring at me. “I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t stab myself.” Her eyes remained huge, so I kept explaining. “I say crazy things because I’m pregnant.” Subject changed needed. “Cake. It looks amazing. Would you like some?”
Her blue eyes lit up. “Yes!”
Whew, crisis averted. Maybe I needed to see if those cuss muffs were a real thing for situations like this.
Knoah and Lana served the cake. It was amazing, and the delicious vanilla flavor burst in my mouth with every bite. We talked and laughed about how Lana had come to find out she was going to be a grandmother and how we told Knoah and my brother. Looking back, it was a funny mess. Knoah’s other mother, Evelyn, had brought a lady around our age. Apparently, Knoah’s brother, Hastings, had a serious girlfriend. I enjoyed Paulisa’s company and bet they made a cute couple. Hastings in love…imagine that.
I set my plate aside and watched the scene unfold.
This is love. Complete love.
The dark feeling that had been clinging to me slipped away. This was what mattered. Not my parents. Not Adriane. Not Kurt’s sperm donor. The people in this room were our family.
When the shower ended, the number of gifts I’d received was overwhelming. The clothes were so cute, and the accessories were amazing. Hello, they have a pee shield. Brilliant.
“I love it all. You guys are amazing. Thank you.”
I took turns hugging everyone who’d come. This was what I’d needed. Knoah’s mom whispered in my ear, “You need anything, call me—day or night. I mean it. I’m here for you.”
My throat grew thick. She was someone I could get motherly advice from. “Thank you. I’m putting you on my speed dial.”
“I’d be honored.”
It was hard to keep my emotions in check, but somehow, I managed to keep from tearing up. The room grew quiet when everyone took a seat and left me standing. Odd.
“I have one more gift for you.”
“Knoah, you’ve done so much.” She and Garrick had already gotten us a bassinet, car seat, and a stroller.
Without a word, Knoah walked to the closet. When she turned around, her eyes were glassy. Oh no, I know this look. I would most definitely end up crying, too.
Knoah cleared her throat and took a few deep breaths. “When I started planning this shower with Lana, I asked Kurt if you had anything in mind for the nursery.” She paused. “He told me you visited Dylan the night you found out you were having a boy. And that you wanted to name your baby Dylan, too.” She stopped for another second to wipe away a tear. “I know for a fact that Dylan is smiling about this. He’d be so honored. I’m honored.”
She stopped again to take a shaky breath. This was hard for her, which made my eyes well up.
“Kurt also told me you wanted to do a vintage guitar theme. I know Kurt has a couple of Dylan’s guitars. But I’d like to give you this.”
My curiosity was piqued. Knoah grabbed a large rectangular package with a blue bow from the closet and placed it on the table. I approached the table, looking at Knoah, who nodded. I lifted the lid and gasped.
I’d seen this guitar in photos of Dylan and Kurt. “This was Dylan’s. The one Dylan is holding in the picture Kurt keeps in his wallet.”
“Yes, it was his favorite one. And I’d be honored for baby Dylan to have it.”
I ran my fingers along the worn red finish of the Fender, unable to comprehend that this would be in Dylan’s room. It was perfect. “Knoah, wow. I can’t—”
Knoah put her hand on mine. “Yes, you can. It’s where it’s meant to be. The next generation. Dylan would want this.”
I hugged Knoah. “Thank you. Thank you so much. Does Kurt know?”
“Yeah, I think he was touched,” she whispered.
“I’m sure he was.”
We pulled back and smiled at each other. It was still hard to imagine. “There’s one more thing.”
“Knoah…”
She brought out another big white box with a blue lid and set it on the table. I took the lid off and gasped again. There were three shadow boxes with a sheet of music inside.
The titles “More of That,” “Rolling Thunder,” and “Doubt” were written at the top of the music sheets. Wow. I murmured, “The first three songs Dylan and Kurt wrote together.”
“More of That” was the first song. The first bars of music were on his chest. A memory to Dylan.
“Yes. All the sheets of music are in the box. I thought they might work well with your theme.”
“This is perfect. Thank you.”
My heart was full. Life was perfect.