Chapter Twenty-Three
Sawyer
Back on the tour bus, seeing how Kurt remained calm helped to ease my nerves. He brought me a glass of water as I sat on the couch in the living area.
“This was not how I saw my day unfolding. I don’t even know how to add this to my color-coded chart or where to begin.”
Kurt gave a tired chuckle and sat next to me. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. And I’m sure we’ll end up using up a thousand trees in sticky notes.”
“You’re probably right.” I gave a half-hearted laugh and reached for his hand, which he gladly gave. “I take it the guys know.”
He leaned back on the couch, relaxing. “Yeah. They saw the tests. But no one else knows. Harlem got rid of them. And the guys won’t tell. They were worried about you, too.”
I hated that I’d caused such a commotion. Still, I was pregnant. We were going to be parents. I hadn’t gotten used to the idea of us being together, and now we had parenthood thrust upon us. Above all else, we needed to take time to wrap our heads around what was happening.
“I don’t want anyone to know yet. Not until we get used to the idea. Plus, with what Knoah just went through…I don’t want to hurt her. She’s doing better, but…”
Losing the baby seemed scary, as well. It was part of me—had been part of me for two months. For the first time, I got a glimpse of how terrible it would be to have a miscarriage. Of course, I knew it was awful, but the thought of losing this baby was a hurt I never wanted to experience.
“Yeah, I get it.”
I shook my head, needing to make the situation lighter. It was how Kurt and I coped. “We’re not only coparenting a dog. We’re going to be coparenting a baby. Like a human baby.”
“Yeah, that’s generally what a baby means.”
Glancing over at Kurt, I saw the worry in his eyes. He was rubbing his face more as he stared off into space. I cleared my throat. “I don’t expect you to change your stance on marriage.”
Kurt blinked a few times and stared at me. “What?”
“I don’t expect us to get married because we’re having a baby.”
Sitting up, he looked at me. “You don’t?”
“No. I get why you don’t want to. I mean it. Marriage is not an expectation. When I agreed to be with you, I agreed to this.”
He blew out a breath and said, “I wish to hell I wasn’t broken like that, Sawyer. For you. I wish I was able to give that to you.” There was agony in his voice, and I hated it.
I squeezed his hand. “It’s really okay. Marriage isn’t what’s going to make me happy. I’d rather spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me happy than be in a loveless marriage.”
The fog lifted from his expression, and I had Kurt back. “What did the doctor say? Tell me everything.”
On the car ride home, we’d still been in shock and hadn’t said much. In all my crazy driving, I’d ended up only forty-five minutes from the tour bus.
I pulled out the pamphlet with all the notes the doctor had made for me. I was grateful she’d given them to me. If she hadn’t, I wasn’t sure I’d remember any of it. “I’m due around August twenty-first. So I’m eight weeks pregnant.” I took a breath. “In the office, I freaked out because I’ve been drinking caffeine, had alcohol at the club, the sushi, and the food poisoning.” Kurt’s eyes grew wide. Quickly, I continued, “But everything’s on track. I have a list of dos and don’ts to start off with. Oh, I got prenatal vitamins, too. And I’ll see my regular doctor in Orlando in four weeks.”
Worry lines framed Kurt’s face. It gave me hope that he cared. “And you’re sure the baby is okay?”
“Yes, the baby’s fine. I promise. I wouldn’t have been drinking and whatnot if I’d known. Oh my God, how did I not know? I’m going to be a terrible mother.” I looked at the paper, feeling guilty. I wanted to cry, but I remained strong. If only I’d known. Please let the baby be okay.
Kurt touched my cheek, waiting for me to look at him. “I know you wouldn’t have. I don’t doubt that you’ll be able to take care of the baby, Sawyer. It’s all still sinking in. I didn’t mean for it to sound that way.”
I gave him a small smile, relieved he believed in me. “I’m glad we have the next few days off. Oh, I have some pictures.”
I dug through my purse and handed the pictures over. “I can’t make out a lot since it all looks like a blob, but this is the head and here’s the heart.”
Intently, Kurt stared at the picture. “This is our baby.”
“Our baby.” We’d created this being. Together. And it wasn’t until we got back together that he or she had made himself or herself known. The world was a crazy place. Love and hope filled me. Our baby.
Looking at my stomach, it was still hard to believe he or she was in there. So tiny.
“Can I keep this?”
“Yes, of course.”
Kurt stood. Softly, he said, “Let’s go to bed. I want to hold you.”
This moment had us brimming with unspoken emotion. Being in Kurt’s arms gave me a sense of safety and security. We needed this.
“I’d like that,” I responded in a whisper.
I followed Kurt into his room where we changed and slid into bed. Kurt wrapped his hands around me and pulled me to him, my back to his front. A few minutes passed before his hand crept down to my abdomen.
His voice was hesitant. “Do you mind?”
I turned over to face him and moved his hand to the spot where the ultrasound tech had placed her wand. “Here’s where your baby is.”
He stared down where his hand rested. “I won’t fuck up this baby’s life like my dad fucked up mine. I swear it. And if I do, will you walk away?”
Cradling his face, I kissed him. “I know you won’t.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you care.”
Nothing else was said as we contemplated the future. The silence was strangely comforting, and Kurt kept his hand on my stomach. At some point, I fell into a dreamless sleep.