Chapter 24
Allie
“So you haven’t spoken to him since the night of the party?” Melissa asked over her cup of coffee.
I wrapped my hands around my own mug of cinnamon-spiked java. “No. I waited all day yesterday hoping he would call, but he never did. I’m so confused, Melissa. I thought we had put everything behind us once and for all.”
“You’re sure everything was fine with Andrew? Nothing happened that Steven could have misinterpreted or read too far into?”
“No, everything was fine. Andrew and I were the same as we always are. We talked. We joked. There wasn’t any flirting. When Steven and I got in the limo, I was certain that everything was fine.” I paused and sipped my coffee.
The café we were in was a quieter environment than our usual lunch spots, and I didn’t want to blurt out that Steven had literally ravaged me in the back of the limo. So I leaned in close and whispered it to Melissa. I told her the whole thing. I told her how hard Steven had fucked me, and how hungry he had seemed for it. “I just don’t get it. I thought it was a release, you know? I thought it was a moment of clarity for him, and he was finally free from the whole thing.”
Melissa sighed. “Whoever said men are straightforward with love and relationships is a liar. I can’t make sense of this man of yours either. Maybe he needs more time? The party was probably a big deal for him. Sure, he fucked you, but he’s a dude. Maybe his mind caught up with him after the fact, and he’s digesting it all now?”
“Maybe,” I said, not sure I liked that possibility. “I don’t know how much more time he needs to mull things over. I don’t know how long I can wait for him. I don’t love Andrew. I never did. I love Steven, and I always have. I don’t know what else I can do to prove it to him—or if I should bother. At a certain point, he will have to forgive me and truly put it behind him, or we’re never going to be able to be together.”
“I hate to ask this,” Melissa said slowly. “But what if he can’t? What if he chooses not to forgive you?”
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I really don’t. But what’s the alternative? I wait forever?”
“No. You shouldn’t have to do that. This is his issue now. You can come clean.”
I groaned and leaned back in my chair. “I want things to be how they used to be, you know? I want to be able to sit with my best friend and not worry about what’s going on his head. I want to enjoy him the way I used to.”
“With the added perks of great sex, of course,” Melissa said with a smile.
“Well, naturally.” I laughed.
“Then there’s only one thing you can do from here,” Melissa said. “You need to sit him down and talk to him again. This time you guys need to lay it all out there. Say everything that needs to be said, no matter how hard it is. Maybe you’ll have to hear some things you don’t want to hear. But he’s worth it, right?”
“Right.”
“Good. Call him. Invite him over. Sit down and hash this thing out. At the very least, you’ll have clarity, and you’ll know what steps to take next. Maybe those steps are the next ones for your relationship. Maybe not. Maybe it’ll be you deciding what you need to do for you. Either way, the conversation needs to happen. And it needs to happen sooner rather than later.”
“You’re right,” I said. “Of course, you’re right.”
“I’m always right.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered, fighting back a wave of emotion. “The more I think about the night, the more I think that maybe I was wrong. He did seem a little standoffish. I mean, he’s Steven. He’s always like that at stuffy family parties. But last night he was a little cool, even when I got out of the limo. I can’t figure him out.”
“Which is why you need to talk to him. Don’t stress trying to make sense of it all now. Talk to him. Clear the air. Make sense of it together. Otherwise, you’re just working yourself up for no reason,” Melissa reached out and rested her hand on top of mine. “You’ve got this, baby sister. I believe in you. If the worst happens, call me. You know I’ll be there with chocolates and chick flicks. You just need to say the word.”
“Thanks, Melissa,” I said with a forced smile. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Later, after work, I found myself sitting on my bed staring down at my phone. I had Steven’s number dialed and was trying to work up the courage to press call. I was afraid of the answer I would get when I called him. Would he blow me off again, or would he agree to come over? Would he be hesitant, or would he be as eager to me to get it all out in the open again together?
My thumb hovered over the green dial button. I swallowed and bit my bottom lip.
This was Steven. Why was I so worked up about this? I knew him better than anyone else. He wasn’t a cruel person. He wouldn’t want to hurt me. Even if things didn’t go the way I wanted, I knew I shouldn’t be scared to reach out to him.
I pressed the button and lifted the phone to my ear. I waited, my stomach churning, as the phone continued to ring and ring. It went unanswered, and Steven’s voice filled the microphone. His voicemail beeped at me.
I hung up and stared at my phone in my lap.
I ran over the possibilities of what Steven could be doing. Chances were he was doing something similar to what I was doing: nothing. Had he seen my name flash across the screen and chosen not to answer?
I thought back to the cocktail party. Maybe I had done something that bothered him, and I hadn’t even realized. Had I unintentionally said something too flirty to Andrew? Had I made Steven see something that wasn’t there?
He wouldn’t ignore me for no reason. I was sure of that.
I felt the tears coming. I tried to hold them at bay. I was desperate to keep it together. Once I started, I wouldn’t be able to get myself under control. I would spend the whole night sobbing like I had when Steven first cut me out of his life. I would wake up with a headache, which would remind me of how broken I was, and then I would cry again.
I couldn’t keep the emotions at bay. It washed over me, starting with the lump in my throat which gave way to the first sob. I buried my face in my hands and let it happen.
I lifted my covers and sank beneath them, pulling them up to my chin and rolling on to my side. I curled up in the fetal position, my body still shaking with sobs, and thought of how nice it had been lying with Steven in his bed the other night.
The warmth of his body pressed up against mine had been such a comfort. It had been the best feeling in the world. There was nothing that could top it. Nothing that could compete with the sense of safety I had when I was lying pressed up against him.
Now I felt weak and vulnerable. I felt unloved and unwanted.
I never should have called him. I should have waited.
He probably needed more time. Seeing my name on his missed calls wasn’t going to make matters any better. He was processing, digesting, and trying to sort out the mess I had put him in. It wasn’t like I had slept with some random guy when I was sixteen and not told him about it. I had slept with his brother.
Andrew was the one man Steven had ever been intimidated by. He grew up in his older brother’s shadow. His parents had praised Andrew all his life, and Steven had been somewhat of the black sheep in his family. I had never believed him when he told me that. Steven had always been perfect in my eyes.
But his family strove for perfection; hence the fancy cocktail party. They loved both their sons equally, but they placed Andrew on a pedestal. He had been the one Steven was always compared to. I knew this was hard for Steven as a teenager.
That was probably why this was so hard for him to swallow. I had fucked the one guy Steven had always tried to beat. And, for a whole two weeks, I had thought I was going to have Andrew’s baby. Andrew had risen to the occasion, in typical Andrew style; holding my hand, comforting me, assuring me everything would be okay, giving me rides to my appointments at the clinic. I knew all of this played a factor in how Steven felt.
The way I had made him feel.
A secret like mine kept for ten years was damaging. I had hurt Steven more than anyone ever had. That much was obvious now.
I cried harder. I cried for what I had done to my best friend. I cried for what I had lost.
My heart felt like it had broken into a million pieces, and I didn’t know if I would ever be able to pick them all back up. Not after this.
Not after Steven.