CHAPTER 17
Alicia
Ricci’s was a small hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant on the edge of Savage. Andell Ricci and his wife, Lilly, moved to Savage when their youngest child got married almost forty years ago. It had been their dream to open an Italian bistro in a small town somewhere. Andell said it reminded him of the restaurant he worked at as a boy back in Italy.
I had always loved Ricci’s. Anytime there was a special occasion or celebration, my parents would bring me and Allie, letting us order whatever we wanted, including a plate of cannolis for dessert.
The restaurant hadn’t been the same since Lilly died. When she passed, the whole town went into mourning right alongside Andell. He had shut down the restaurant for six months, and when he reopened it, he acted as if nothing had happened. He simply went back to work doing what he loved. He would greet everyone just as he had before. The only difference was the small photograph of Lilly that now stood in the middle of the entryway.
When I walked inside that night, my eyes fell on Lilly’s picture. Immediately, tears filled my eyes; I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Ricci’s until that night.
Zane sat in the back corner of the restaurant at a table for two. I saw him before he saw me, which gave me the chance to watch him for a few seconds unnoticed. He was staring intently at the menu in his hands. There were two glasses of water on the table, along with two empty wine glasses. The scene definitely had the makings of a proper date, and the thought made my stomach flip.
Zane flipped the menu over to examined the back. I could tell he was just making himself busy; we had both been here so many times that reading the menu was no longer a necessity. Still, he stared at it with no idea that I was watching him. His dark eyes narrowed slightly, but even from where I stood, I could see them sparkle.
God, why did he have to be so handsome? It would have been easier if my attraction to him had faded, but it was stronger than ever.
When I finally got up the nerve to walk over to him, my palms began to sweat. The closer I got, the better he looked. His shirt was tight against his chest and I could see the outline of every muscle. My head spun. I wanted to run my fingers over those muscles and watch as he…
“Hey,” he said as I approached the table. “There you are.”
“Here I am,” I said with an awkward little nod. “Have you been waiting long?”
He shook his head. “No, not really.”
“Good.” I smiled and sat down.
Zane handed me a menu and cleared his throat. I waited for him to speak, but he didn’t. Instead, his eyes once again focused on his own menu. Now that I was closer, I could see that he hadn’t shaved in a couple days. His stumble was just beginning to grow past the five o’clock shadow length, giving him an edgy quality. I couldn’t help but think how sexy it made him look.
When he glanced up and caught me staring at him, I quickly averted my eyes, nerves getting the best of me before I remembered my age and laughed. I looked back up apologetically and set my menu down on the table. “This is ridiculous,” I said. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”
“It’s okay,” he said, grinning. “I am too.”
“But we shouldn’t be,” I argued. “We’ve done this a thousand times before. You know me and I know you. There’s no reason this should be so awkward.”
“Isn’t it always awkward with exes?”
“Does it have to be?” I countered.
Zane looked at me for a second before chuckling and leaning back in his chair. “You really haven’t changed much.”
“I like to think I have, but I guess I’m still the same me.”
“That’s a good thing. That wit of yours is infamous.”
“Sometimes I’m not so sure. I left Savage so that I could change. So that I could move on and grow up. What was the point if none of that happened?”
“It happened,” Zane assured. “You’re still you, but you’re more poised. You have a confidence now that you didn’t have five years ago. When I knew you, you were always just this little ball of energy. It was like you were going to burst out of your skin at any given moment. You don’t have that same energy anymore. You’re calmer now. More sure of yourself.”
“You got all that from just one conversation?”
Zane shrugged. “It was a good conversation.”
“It was,” I agreed. “I’m glad we decided to do this.”
“I’m just glad you said yes. I really didn’t think you would.”
“Why?”
“Because a part of you still hates me,” he answered bluntly.
“Hate isn’t the right word.”
“What word would you use then?” he asked, his eyes fixed on mine.
“Let’s order our food before we get into the heavy stuff,” I suggested, trying to keep my tone lighthearted. But Zane’s face told me he knew I was avoiding the question, and he was just being kind enough to let me.
We ordered wine and nibbled breadsticks while waiting for our food. Our conversation stayed light as we discussed our families. He told me about his parents moving out-of-state, and I told him that Allie had had another baby who was now almost four. He talked and I listened, and then I talked and he listened, our conversation falling into an easy and unassuming rhythm that put me at ease.
It wasn’t until our plates were cleared and the dessert ordered that things once again turned serious.
“Alicia,” Zane said, “I want you to know that despite everything, I still care about you. You may not believe it, but I never stopped thinking about you. Not once.”
I watched his eyes while he spoke and knew he meant every word. My fear escalated as I thought of the secret I was keeping from him. Over the years, I’d told myself that it was better if he never knew. I’d reassured myself over and over again that it was for the best. But sitting there with him enjoying a plate of cannoli and listening to him say how much he still cared for me, my resolve began to weaken.
For the first time, I considered telling him everything.
“Can I ask you that question again?” he asked, his words pulling me out of my head. “About hating me?”
I blinked a couple times and frowned. I laughed weakly. “I really don’t hate you, Zane. Not even close.”
“Then how do you feel about me these days?”
“Well,” I said, slowly, “when you left, I was mad. And hurt. It felt like our entire relationship was just passing time for you. Like you were just using me as a distraction until Savage Soldiers started taking up all your time.”
“That’s not—”
“Let me finish,” I said. “When I moved to New York, I was able to get some distance from this town and from the memories I had of you. I knew then that I never hated you. There were times when I wished I did, but I couldn’t. You can’t hate someone when you spent so much time loving them. I think what I felt was just resentment. I resented you for getting out first. For leaving before I could. I resented you for not asking me to go with you, and for not waiting to go with me.”
“What would you have said if I asked you to go?”
“I don’t know…I think back then, there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for you.”
Zane’s eyes closed for a fraction of a second. When they reopened, I could see the pain he’d been hiding finally rise to the surface. Without thinking, I reached across the table and took his hand. He stroked my palm with his thumb.
We sat in silence, holding hands and staring at each other for what felt like hours. I knew he was remembering the same things I was—all those nights together in my room, in his room, or in our cars. Just the slightest touch made those desires flood back to the surface for us both. There was a familiar glint in his eyes, letting me know he wanted me just as badly as I wanted him.