CHAPTER 9
Alicia
Sitting on that curb, I felt ridiculous. How could I have let Zane run me out of my own uncle’s wake? He hadn’t even spoken to me. He hadn’t said a word. But still, I bolted, running out the back door like a burglar.
When had I become this person, so afraid of confrontation?
That night came back to me with a flood of emotions…
I was sitting on a bench in McKinney Park, waiting for Zane to show up. We’d agreed to meet after my last class, having plans to see a movie and grab a drink. But he was late.
I’d called him a few times but got no answer. After an hour, I decided to just go home and wait for him to call me back. I knew something must have happened and began to worry he’d been in an accident or something.
When I walked through the backdoor, my phone finally rang.
“Hey,” I said, my voice full of relief. “Where have you been? Are you okay?”
“I’m great!” Zane said cheerfully. “I’m really sorry I stood you up. Can you meet me now? At Kellan’s?”
“Sure,” I said apprehensively. “I’ll be there in a few.”
“See you soon!”
I hung up and turned back around. Climbing in my car, I felt a horrible sense of dread wash over me. There was something going on with Zane, that much I knew. But I couldn’t imagine what it could be. In all the time we’d been dating, he had never been so much as two minutes late. Never. He always blamed the fact that he was obnoxiously early on his military training. So whatever was going on had to be pretty big if it meant he was deviating from his prompt nature.
As I drove toward Kellan’s, I told myself it couldn’t be anything bad. Zane sounded happy on the phone, and only something really amazing could make him sound like that.
Zane was sitting at our usual booth when I walked inside. My drink was already sitting on the table when I slid in beside him.
“Hey, you,” he said with a grin. He kissed me quickly, the grin never leaving his face.
“What’s up with you?” I laughed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy.”
“I don’t know that I’ve ever been this happy,” he admitted.
“Well?” I prompted. “Tell me what’s going on. I can’t take the suspense any longer!”
“I’ve been chosen to go on a mission for the Savage Soldiers.”
The words left his lips and hit my ears like a brick. I heard him, but I couldn’t quite comprehend what he was saying.
“I got the call today,” he continued. “This morning actually. My C.O. said everything is in place. I start my official training in a few days.”
“Training…for a mission?” I sputtered. I blinked and tried to focus on his face, but I felt like I was floating underwater. Everything seemed far away, blurry, and out of reach.
“It’s in Coronado,” he nodded. “I leave the day after tomorrow. Alicia, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am! To be chosen for something like this means I’ve climbed the ranks.”
“California?” I interrupted.
Zane fell silent and stared at me for a second. He frowned and slid an inch away from me in the booth. “Do you understand how big of a deal this is for me? You know how dedicated I am to the Savage Soldiers, right? I mean there what this entire town is about. The base, the brotherhood, it’s all here. And I’m finally in!”
“Of course,” I managed to say.
“You don’t seem to happy for me,” he said, still frowning.
“I’m just trying to wrap my head around it,” I explained. “I had no idea this was going to happen and it just…”
“I’m in the military, Alicia. You’ve always known there was a chance I would be sent off the Savage base eventually to move up. It’s part of the job.”
“I know,” I said. “I just didn’t think it would happen right now. So soon.”
“But it’s a good thing!”
“Yeah, for you.”
I watched his expression shift from slightly confused to completely annoyed. I knew he’d been hoping I would be impressed. He had imagined me throwing my arms around him and congratulating him.
But I couldn’t do that, not after finding out he was leaving me.
I had always held out hope that he would just wind up permanently stationed at the Savage base in Colorado, never far away. Never having to relocate and turn into an actual hard and battle-scarred soldier.
“Damn, Alicia. I thought you’d be happy for me. This is a major accomplishment.”
“I am happy for you! But you don’t have to sound so damn cheerful about it!”
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?” he demanded. “Being a Savage Soldier, and everything that it entails, is what I’ve always wanted! I thought you knew that. I thought you understood this was going to happen someday.”
“Zane,” I began slowly. My voice shook slightly and I had to close my eyes to focus properly. “I’m happy for you, and I do understand that traveling is just part of the job. But can’t you see how upsetting this is for me? You just told me you’re leaving and you don’t seem the slightest bit upset about it.”
“Why would I be upset?” He threw his hands up in frustration. “I have everything I want! I’m a Savage Soldier—an important one. I’ll be training in Coronado by the end of the week. I’ll get to see the world. And—”
“Then just go then!”
His face fell. “What?”
“Just go,” I repeated. “If you’re so happy about leaving, then leave! You don’t have to stick around and rub my nose in it.”
Zane looked back at me like I’d slapped him.
I couldn’t believe he would be so heartless. That he could tell me he was leaving and not even be remotely sad about it.
“Alicia,” he began, “what the hell is wrong? Where is this coming from?”
“You’re leaving me and you’re happy about it,” I blurted out. Tears formed in my eyes and I couldn’t stop them from overflowing.
“Is that what you think?” He laughed weakly and slid closer to me, holding both of my hands in his. “Alicia, I’m not leaving you.”
“So you aren’t going to Coronado?”
“No, I am,” he said. “But that doesn’t mean we have to be over.”
“What does it mean then?”
“Well…” he said, the wheels in his head turning as he tried to work through his thoughts.
“You haven’t even thought about it, have you?” I asked, pained.
“I just found out this morning, Alicia,” he said defensively. “I haven’t had time to work everything out yet.”
“There’s nothing to work out.” I turned my head, took a giant swig of my drink, and angrily stared down at the table, trying to stop more tears from falling.
“What does that mean?” he asked, his voice small and so unlike himself. I looked up to find him staring at me, his eyes searching mine.
I didn’t have an answer to his question. All I knew was that my heart was breaking and I couldn’t make it stop. “It means you didn’t even stop to think about what this would mean for our future, which tells me we don’t have one.”
“Alicia—”
“There’s nothing else to say,” I said quietly, not wanting to drag the conversation out any further. A quick goodbye would be best for both of us.
“I’m sorry,” Zane said, staring down at his hands, which were once again wrapped tightly around mine.
I waited for him to say something else. Anything else.
But he didn’t.
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I pulled my hands free and stood up.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“What’s the point in hanging around any longer?” I said, every part of me aching.
“To say goodbye,” he suggested. “We won’t see each other for a long time and—”
“It all ends just the same,” I said, cutting him off. “Whether I sit here with you for another three hours or not for another second, nothing will change. You’ll still leave and I’ll still be here.”
“Alicia…”
I turned and left without looking back. I thought he would follow me outside, tell me he loved me, or ask me to wait for him. But when I pushed the door open and stepped out into the parking lot, I saw that my hopes were in vain.
The cool evening breeze hit my face and dried the tears on my cheeks.
Despite the pain that accompanied that memory, it still wasn’t the worst I’d felt. The worst pain had come later, after Zane left town.
After I realized he wasn’t going to try to see me before he left.
After I realized that night in Kellan’s was our last night together.
After I’d spent hours crying myself to sleep and wishing more than anything that I had stayed in that booth just a little longer, for I could never be certain that he would ever return…