CHAPTER 4
Zane
I shook my head and tried to clear the images from my mind, but they were burned inside my brain forever. No amount of therapy, sleep, or time would ever erase them. They were mine to hold onto. Forever.
I checked the clock and saw that it was two in the morning. I knew I should try to go back to sleep, but couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes; I didn’t want to see his face and bloody body again.
Without hesitation, I jumped from my bed and pulled on my sweatshirt. Sleep was no longer an option and I knew the only thing that might help was to move around.
I hurried down the stairs and out the front door. The second my feet hit the sidewalk, I started running.
The breeze shook me awake and the cool air cleared my senses. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes while my feet beat a path beneath me. It wasn’t long before my body went into autopilot and I was able to run without any thought. The peaceful nothingness was more inviting than anything had been for a long time.
My legs tightened and my abs clenched, but I kept moving. My breathing was slow and steady. Even after months away, I was still trained for this. I could run at this pace for hours without breaking a sweat. My breathing never faltered and my sides would never ached. I had the body of a soldier and right then, as I ran through town, it was the only thing holding me together.
With my arms pumping beside me, I turned sharply down Peach Street. I ran quietly through the center of town, my eyes scanning the shop windows. Angel’s Café wouldn’t open for a few more hours, and the bank wouldn’t open until even later. The Joppa’s flower shop was always closed until noon on Sundays, and Melanie’s new stationary store wouldn’t open at all until Monday morning. Only the diner was open at this hour. I thought about stopping for a milkshake, but ran past without slowing down; it wasn’t the time for a diner trip.
I kept my pace as I put the town square behind me and moved farther into the surrounding neighborhoods. All the houses were dark, not a single light on anywhere. Only the street lights lit my path. I knew if anyone was awake, they wouldn’t come out to greet me; everyone was nervous around me since I had returned to Savage. While they idolized soldiers who stayed on the Savage base, attitudes changed once a formerly relocated solider returned. It was like they presumed any soldier who left the ‘safety’ of Savage and went out into the world was tainted. A hardened soldier with war wounds they couldn’t comprehend—I was now one of them, and no one wanted anything to do with me.
It also didn’t help that Leo had been from Savage too. Part of the reason I was so keen to return was in honor of him. I’d been willing to risk returning as an outcast, but I hadn’t been prepared for Savage residents to blame me for Leo’s death just as much as I blamed myself.
I guess I deserved it though.
Of course, no one ever outright said they blamed me; they at least put forward the effort to pretend they thought of me as a war hero. When I ran into people on the street, they were always nice and made polite chit-chat. But no one ever asked me anything real.
“How’s the weather?” they would say. Or, “Seen your mom lately?” “Have you checked out Melanie’s new store?”
The questions were always the same. I answered them with reassuring smiles that told people I wasn’t going to snap. But still, no one hung around me longer than a few minutes. I pretended not to notice when they crossed to the other side of the street as I passed by and I turned a blind eye when mothers shielded their children from me.
Since that night, I’d changed. My one true purpose in life was to be a Savage Soldier, but after Leo died, I felt like a failure. A fraud. It made me question who I was and who I was meant to be. I doubted whether I was ever really meant to be a Savage Soldier.
I questioned everything.
In the end, that’s why I’d been discharged.
They didn’t discharge me with negative marks. It hadn’t even felt like a dismissal or a rejection. I’d spent almost five years with my team, and we had successfully completed over a hundred missions.
We’d been indestructible. Until we weren’t.
Savage, CO. Where heroes were made. A special forces team that all came from the base here. There were probably seventy guys in all who trained here. Who became brothers here, family.
And now I was all that was left of the team I had trained so hard to build. Max was around. Shit I had even called him to tell him I was coming back. He deserved to know about Leo. He deserved to know everything. But he was a military doc, not on my team directly.
No one way anymore.
When we lost Leo, everything fell apart and our team stopped being a team. We lost our connection—our bond. We all drifted apart and, slowly, we all retired.
It didn’t make sense to a lot of our fellow Savages, but they weren’t there that night. To them, when you lost a guy, you grieved and moved on. You kept fighting. You kept working. You let the loss fuel the fire in your gut because your job did not end.
But to us, everything ended. Our job no longer felt like ours anymore. Instead, it felt like we were playing dress-up in someone else’s clothes. We weren’t us anymore, but rather just shadows of our former selves and nothing anyone said could change that.
I kept running, passing house after house without knowing where I was going. It wasn’t until I turned onto her street that I realized where I’d been headed all along.
The Joppa’s house was at the very end of Tuckerton Court. I’d been there a thousand times before, but that had been years ago.
When I saw Mr. and Mrs. Joppa in town, they always waved politely, but never spoke to me. I didn’t blame them though; they hadn’t liked me back then and there was no reason for their feelings to have changed now
The closer I got to the Joppa’s house, the more confused I felt. Every other house was pitch black, but there was a faint orange light peering out from beneath the oak tree of their front yard.
I ran faster, wanting a closer look.
I knew what room was behind that tree…
I stopped in front of the house and stared at the window with my mouth hanging open. I told myself it was nothing; it didn’t mean that she was home. As far as I knew, Alicia hadn’t been home in five years. Not long after I left town, she left for New York, just like she always planned. I hadn’t spoken to her since. She never returned my calls or my letters, but I knew through the town gossip that she’d moved. I was proud of her when I found out that she was doing exactly what she always wanted.
Still, I hated not seeing her around town. Everywhere I went reminded me of her. I had so many memories of our time together that I couldn’t imagine Savage without her. To me, Savage was Alicia and Alicia was Savage.
Staring up at her window, I tried to see whether there was any movement inside. I strained my eyes, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of her shadow or anything that would tell me she was home.
I prayed to see her hand inch around the side of the curtains and pull them aside; I would have given anything to see her blue eyes or watch her dark curls catch the light just right.
After a few minutes, I knew I needed to move, but couldn’t bring myself to leave. My feet were cemented to the ground and my eyes were locked on that orange light. Although I couldn’t explain it, I could feel her. She was closer than she’d been in years and my sould could feel her presence.
I didn’t realize what I was doing until I was halfway across the lawn, trekking a determined path toward the front door.
Just as quickly as I started moving, I stopped. I shook my head and turned around, half-running back to the street. My legs protested, my body longing to go back to the door, but I pushed harder against myself until I sprinted down the street. I ran hard and fast, not stopping until I was back home. By the time I got there, my feet felt like lead, but I forced them to keep moving until I was safely in my bedroom.
I couldn’t believe what I’d almost just done.
Walking up to the Joppa’s door at two in the morning because I thought Alicia might be inside? What good would that have done? I could only imagine the look on Mr. Joppa’s face if he had opened the door.
I threw myself onto my bed and sighed, feeling like I was losing my mind. After waking up in a panicked sweat, the last thing I needed was to confront Alicia after all these years. Besides, I didn’t even know if she was home. It had been just a feeling, after all. Just an old instinct.
I forced my eyes closed and told myself I was imagining things. There probably hadn’t even been a light on in that room. My mind had been playing tricks on me because I had still been shaken up over my dreams about Leo.
Sleep continued to evade me for the rest of the night, but I kept my head pressed against my pillow and my blanket wrapped tightly around me. And whenever I got the urge to get up, I pulled the blanket tighter, convincing myself it would help hold me together.
I knew that wasn’t true though. Nothing could hold me together anymore.