CHAPTER 26
Zane
Elizabeth. Elizabeth Diane Joppa.
Her name played over and over in my mind while I watched her dress her dolls in hospital scrubs. She smiled and talked so fast that I could barely understand what she said, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her.
I used to think there was no one on Earth as beautiful as Alicia, but I was wrong. Elizabeth had Alicia’s dark brown hair that fell in unkept curls around her face. She vibrated with natural energy and her bright blue eyes were the spitting image of her mother’s. At a quick glance, Elizabeth was Alicia in miniature; they looked exactly alike. But as I watched her mannerisms and the way she smiled, I saw likenesses between her and myself.
Elizabeth didn’t have my hair or my eyes, but she had my features. Her nose was small and round like mine, and her cheek bones were angled the way mine were. She wasn’t just a miniature Alicia, she was a perfect mixture of the two of us. The longer I watched her, the bigger my smile grew.
“What’s her name?” I asked, picking up a blonde doll and smoothing her hair back.
“That’s Marie,” Elizabeth told me. “She’s a nurse, but she’s training to become a doctor!”
“Oh?” I chuckled. “She’s in school?”
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. “Of course! Everyone should be in school!”
“She just thinks that because she isn’t old enough to go yet,” Alicia explained from behind me.
I turned around and gave her a smile. “Is that true?” I asked Elizabeth.
“I start in September,” she said sadly. “Which is months away.”
“It’s not that much longer,” I said. “The more you think about it, the slower time will pass.”
“Mom always says that, too,” she grumbled.
“Who do you think I got it from?” Alicia said with a chuckle. The happiness in her voice filled me with a warmth I hadn’t felt in a long time. Sitting there, playing with my daughter and listening to Alicia’s breathing behind me, I felt more at peace than I’d felt in years.
“What’s your favorite thing to do?” I asked Elizabeth.
“My favorite thing?”
“Yes. Your favorite thing in the entire world.”
She thought for a second, her forehead furrowed as she considered all her options. It was amazing to watch the wheels in her head turn. I’d never seen someone so young think so intensely.
“Walking in Central Park with Mom on Sunday mornings,” she announced. “That’s my favorite thing!”
“Why?”
“Because it’s just the two of us,” she explained. “During the week, Mommy works a lot, so I stay home with Mrs. Bailey. We play and she teaches me stuff. It’s fun, but I like it better when I’m just with Mommy.”
I glanced behind me and saw the tears sliding down Alicia’s face. She’d been crying on and off ever since we arrived at Allie’s. I couldn’t blame her though; my own emotions were threatening to burst free too. It took all the strength I had to keep my voice steady and my eyes dry. “That’s sounds amazing,” I said. “I like spending time with your mom too.”
“Then how come you stopped dating her?” Elizabeth asked. Her question was so off-handed, it almost seemed like she didn’t know what she was asking. When I hesitated, though, she glanced up and fixed her blue eyes on me.
“I had a few things to figure out back then,” I explained slowly. “I really, really wanted to be a soldier. So when I got the chance, I couldn’t pass it up.”
“Kind of like when Mommy got the chance to be a lawyer. Right Mom?”
“Exactly,” Alicia answered. She walked over and sat down with us on the floor. “Sometimes adults have to figure out what they want to do with their lives before they can be together. Does that make sense?”
“Are you going to be together now?” Elizabeth asked.
I inhaled and waited for Alicia’s response, but she didn’t speak. Instead, she just looked at me. The expression on her face was one of confusion and worry. She didn’t want to give the wrong answer and hurt Elizabeth, but she also didn’t want to get her hopes up if we weren’t going to try again.
“That’s something your mom and I need to talk about a little bit,” I told her. “But, I can promise you that I’ll be around a lot. If that’s okay with you?”
“Like a real daddy?” she asked, her face lighting up happily.
My heart melted. “Just like it.” I leaned over and kissed the top of her head.
She smiled and then pushed a doll into Alicia’s hands. “Here Mom. If you’re going to be here, you have to play too. You can be Tiffany. She’s the surgeon.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon playing dolls and talking. I learned all about Elizabeth’s friends back in New York, and how much she desperately wanted a dog. Alicia said they didn’t have room for one, but Elizabeth insisted they could just get a really small one.
I laughed more than I had in years, my smile never faltering. For the first time since Leo died, I felt like myself again.
After a while, I sat back and watched Alicia play with Elizabeth, unable to tear my eyes away from them. I compared their expressions and their voices, marveling over how they were what I’d been looking for all these years without even knowing it.
I left for a Savage Soldiers mission, determined to fulfill a dream and live out my purpose. While I was away, I’d felt sure of myself. I’d been strong and happy, until I wasn’t. When things shifted, it knocked my world off its axis and it wasn’t until I saw Alicia again that things began to spin normally again.
Alicia and Elizabeth. They were my life now.
CHAPTER 27
Alicia
We walked through the door of my parents’ house. It was empty; my mom and dad wouldn’t be back for a few more hours. We’d already eaten dinner at Allie’s and I knew Zane was dying to talk to me alone. Throughout the entire car ride, he watched me closely, not bothering to hide his stare. I glanced at him briefly, silently telling him we would talk as soon as we could be alone.
“It’s been awhile since I’ve been inside this place,” Zane said, looking around the house. He laughed. “It hasn’t changed much.”
“Mom and Dad are creatures of habit,” I said and then turned to Elizabeth. “Lizzy, why don’t you play outside for a while? Stay in the backyard and I’ll come get you when it’s time for bed, okay?”
“Okay!” She bounced away and disappeared through the back door.
I turned to face Zane, who was still watching me like I was about to run away from him again. “So,” I said. “want to sit down?”
“Sure.”
We sat on the couch. I tucked my feet underneath me and cleared my throat. “Go ahead. I know you’re dying to ask me a million questions.”
He shook his head. “I have questions, but really, I just want to say thank you.”
I frowned. That wasn’t at all what I’d expected. “For what?”
“For letting me see her. For telling me about her. For letting me spend time with her. You have no idea how much that meant to me.”
“I do,” I said. “I’m just sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. You were right earlier. You deserved to know. I shouldn’t have hidden her from you, no matter what happened between us. It wasn’t fair.”
“I understand why you did it though,” he said. I searched his face for a sign of sarcasm, but there was nothing but sincerity. “I wasn’t the best person back then. I was selfish and impulsive. I loved you so much, but I couldn’t see past my own needs and wants long enough to really give us a chance. I know how much I hurt you when I left.”
“That’s still not an excuse,” I argued, refusing to let him take all the blame. So much of it had been my fault too. “I walked out of Kellan’s that night. You were trying to tell me how you felt and I didn’t let you. I was just so angry and hurt that I couldn’t stand to look at you for another second. When I ran, it wasn’t because you did anything wrong. It was because I was too weak to face the pain.”
“We can argue about whose fault it was all night,” Zane said, “or we can just talk about the future. What happens now?”
My stomach wiggled nervously. “What do you mean?” I asked, although I knew this conversation was coming. Still, I wasn’t sure how to proceed. What if Zane still wanted us to run away together? Or what if he wanted shared custody? What would that even look like?
“How do we navigate our new situation?” he asked. “Now that Elizabeth knows about me and I know about her, I can’t stay away. I want to be in her life, Alicia. I have to be.”
“And I want that too. I would never think of keeping her from you again.”
“I know you wouldn’t. And I love you for that.”
Zane’s words sent a spark flying up my spine. I flushed as our eyes met. He reached forward and took my hand into his, raising it to his lips and kissing my palm gently. I was so shocked I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even breathe.
After our fight and the revelations from that morning, I didn’t think Zane would still want to be with me. I’d presumed any chance of us being together had disappeared. Keeping Elizabeth from him was something I’d been sure he would never forgive.
“I thought you were mad at me,” I said.
“I am. I’ll probably be mad at you for a long time, but I’m willing to bet you’re just as mad at me. Everything that happened today doesn’t change our history. We can’t fix this overnight, but I want to try. If you do.”
“I don’t know how to,” I said softly. “Where do we go from here?”
He looked into my eyes for a few seconds before leaning forward and gently kissing me. The second our lips met, I knew I would do anything to make things work between us. The idea of leaving him behind wasn’t a possibility anymore; I needed him too much.
We kissed slowly, our lips dancing and our tongues barely peeking into each other’s mouths. It was slow and deliberate, every emotion we felt being poured into it. I felt it in my entire body. My desire for him wasn’t hungry and desperate like I was used to. Instead, it was complex and well thought out.
I’d considered our past and our future, and still wanted him.
Reluctantly, I pulled away, knowing our daughter could walk in at any moment.
“Let me get Elizabeth to bed,” I said. “Then I’ll meet you in my room.”