CHAPTER 23
Alicia
I woke the next morning with a pounding headache, but it wasn’t from the alcohol. Immediately, I remembered everything that had happened the night before. Having sex with Zane in the bathroom. Feeling like I could never want anyone more than I wanted him.
And then the waves of guilt that washed over me as I remembered how our daughter had been conceived.
Zane still didn’t know that Elizabeth existed. We were falling for each other all over again, and I hadn’t even told him the most important part of my life.
When I left the bathroom, I’d been finally ready to tell him everything, unable to stand keeping it from him any longer. Five drinks and an orgasm had emboldened me. In that moment, I’d felt like I could tell him the truth, and that he would understand.
But when I saw him tackle that man, everything changed.
I stood back and watched as he pummeled some random guy. There had been blood everywhere. People tried to break them apart, but it took a while before they could pry Zane off him.
I felt sick watching the way Zane’s face had twisted with so much rage and violence. I just couldn’t handle seeing the strong and muscular body that I knew so well hurting someone senselessly.
After everything Zane and I had been through, I didn’t think there was anything that could tear us apart again.
I was wrong.
Seeing him fight that way made me regret every single moment I had spent back in Savage. I had stormed down the street without slowing down until I reached my parents’ house. By the time I fell asleep that night, I had decided to leave the next morning.
When I woke up though, I knew that wasn’t fair to my family. They had a huge barbecue planned for the next day. Everyone was going to be there to see me one last time before I left for New York. As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t blow them off. So instead of packing, I took a shower and cooked breakfast for Elizabeth. After she ate, I dropped her off at Allie’s house to play.
“You okay?” Jordan asked when he answered the door.
“I’m great,” I said. “Lizzy just wanted to play with her cousins. Is that all right?”
Jordan smiled. “Of course! Come on in, Lizzy-bug.”
“Thanks, Uncle Jordan!” Lizzy ran through the door and hurried upstairs to the playroom. I could hear her cousins squeal with delight when they saw her. I smiled and turned my attention back to Jordan.
“I should go,” I said. “I’ll pick her up in a few hours.”
“Hey,” he called. “What’s up?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re upset,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone. “What happened? Did Zane do something?”
I shook my head. “No. I just I let myself believe in the fairytale, so it was my fault.”
“Well, if you need to talk…”
“Thanks.” I waved sadly and made my way back to the car.
After driving around town aimlessly for almost an hour, I decided to just go back to my parents’ place and rest for a while. My body hadn’t recovered from the previous night and I knew I would need my energy to play with Lizzy later.
When I pulled into my parents’ driveway, my stomach sank. Zane was sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands. I didn’t know how long he’d been waiting, but I knew my parents were gone for the day. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and drive all the way back to New York.
“What do you want?” I asked when I got out of the car.
Zane jumped to his feet and walked over to me. We stood facing each other in the front yard. I crossed my arms and waited for his answer.
“I need to talk to you,” he said weakly. His eyes were red and he looked terrible.
“I don’t have anything to say to you.”
“Then just listen,” he begged. “Please.”
I stood silently with my arms crossed, waiting impatiently for him to say whatever it was he so badly needed to say.
“Last night—that fight was… complicated.”
“Complicated?” I said. “Yeah. Okay.”
“It was,” he insisted while trying to stay calm. “That guy, McCoys—he and I were on the same team. Me, him, Leo, and Logan. We did over a hundred ops together. We were seamless. We could move without thinking, communicate without speaking…We were brothers. More than brothers. It’s hard to explain, but we were connected in a really intense way.”
Zane took a breath and closed his eyes. For the first time, I noticed that his hands were shaking. My instincts told me to step forward and touch him, but I fought off the urge.
“We were on an op,” he continued slowly. “I can’t get into the specifics—I’m duty bound to stay silent about it—but that night, things went wrong. We were all separated, which is never ideal. But it was disastrous for this particular mission. I heard gunshots and ran as fast as I could, but I was too late. By the time we found Leo, he was already half dead. We couldn’t save him.”
I sucked in a breath and listened intently, all my anger disappearing.
“Last night,” Zane went on, “McCoys was drunk. We both were. He said some stuff he shouldn’t have. He blamed me for what happened to Leo, which is something I’ve done every day for the past four months.” He shook his head. “But when McCoys said it, I just lost it. I didn’t even know what I was doing until it was over. I shouldn’t have hit him, I know that. And I’m sorry you had to see that. That’s not something I ever wanted you to witness. I’m not that person, I swear. I’m not the kind of guy who gets in random bar fights. I was just…”
“Angry,” I said softly.
“Guilty,” he corrected. “I can’t shake the thought that I should have done more. If I had moved faster or ran harder, maybe I could have saved him. I should have saved him.”
“It’s not your fault.” I took a step closer and touched his shoulder. “You did everything you could, Zane. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But I feel like it is. I’m trying to move past it, but it’s hard. Hearing McCoys blame me like that…” He shook his head again.
“He didn’t mean it. There’s no way he meant it. He was just drunk and sad. I’m sure he’s struggling with everything just like you are.”
“I know, but hearing him say that turned me into a different person. I became my worst nightmare. I never want to feel that way again.” His eyes filled with tears and he lowered his head.
I pulled him in for a hug, holding him tightly and wishing I could take away every ounce of his pain.
“Alicia?” He gently pushed me away to look into my eyes. “I came here to explain myself. To tell you what happened last night—but that’s not all. There’s something else I wanted to say.”
The look on his face made my stomach flip nervously. “What is it?”
“I have to get out of here,” he said. “This town. This place. I need to leave. I can’t explain it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to, but I feel like I’m drowning here. Ever since I came back, I’ve been telling myself that it’s for the best. I thought it would help me heal, but it’s just doing the opposite. I think I just need to leave.”
I nodded. “I can understand that. I’ve felt that way before.”
“I’m not finished.” He paused for an instant before adding, “I want to leave, but I want you to come with me.”
I took a step backward and frowned. “What?”
“Run away with me,” he urged, speaking franticly. “Let’s just pack up and bail. You can call your office and say you’re taking a leave of absence or something. We can just go.”
“Where?”
“Anywhere! Everywhere! We can just start driving and see what happens. I have to leave, Alicia, but I don’t want to leave you. I can’t leave you. Not again.”
“Zane, it’s not that simple. I can’t just—”
“Yes, you can!” He took my hands in his. “Alicia, I love you so much. I’ve always been in love with you. These past few years without you have been awful. Even when I felt like I was doing exactly what I was meant to do, something was missing. I didn’t feel complete and that’s because you weren’t there. I need you with me. You’re the woman I’m supposed to be with. I knew the second I saw you again. Deep down, I’ve always known it.”
“Zane…”
“I know you feel it too. You can’t tell me you don’t. I know you love me.”
“Yes, I do,” I said quickly. “I love you, Zane. And I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions last night, I really am. But that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t just run away with you.”
“Why not? Give me one good reason why you can’t.”
“Work. I have a job that I love.”
“You can be a lawyer anywhere!”
“That’s not true. I’ve worked hard to get where I am now. You can’t ask me to give that up.”
“But I am,” he said. “I am because I love you and you love me. Our life together could be amazing—more than amazing. It could be everything we’ve always wanted it to be. I know it can.”
“I feel the same way, but…”
“Just stop. Stop thinking of reasons why you can’t do this and start listening to your heart.”
“I am…”
“No, you aren’t!” he half yelled. “If you were, you would know that our love is something that only happens once in a lifetime! We have to fight for it! There’s nothing more than important than us. Nothing.”
“Yes, there is,” I said firmly.
“Like what?” he demanded.
“Our daughter.”